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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

424 replies

ShirleyValentineTwo · 12/10/2017 23:17

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 13/10/2017 00:08

Your DC must be at least 19. Stop living for them and look after yourself.

BlondeB83 · 13/10/2017 00:09

He is an absolute arsehole.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/10/2017 00:11

I see why you don’t want to leave now. I’m not sure that you really need to stay, but I understand your reasoning and it’s your decision to make. But there’s plenty you can do now to set things up for the future. Get out more, make friends, develop the ones you have. Consult a lawyer about what divorce will look like in a couple of years time. Develop a plan. Create a mental countdown of the days if it will help. Look for sensible ways to use your capital that will leave you in a strong position when you leave. Stop drinking so much. If you are unfit, start taking more care of yourself. Get counselling. If you can, stop caring about what he thinks.

He’s chosen to take a well trod path. You don’t have to be the gravel under his feet.

happyinthehaze · 13/10/2017 00:14

Be brave OP. Time for you now.

I'm just guessing on some of this, so please correct me. I reckon you've owned a home together for years, meaning there are assets to divide, giving you some stability. DCs must be older and no doubt not as clueless as you might think. Point being, time for you to leave, start a new life, and be happy.

And when you're happy and settled you can enjoy hearty exchanges of views with the mumsnet crew :-)

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 13/10/2017 00:15

You need to be ready to leave and no matter what anyone says won't make a difference - you've took a big step though in posting and getting it off your chest. Ignore the posts saying you need to leave now (mine included) - You'll only do it when you're ready no matter what anyone says.

I can only reiterate what I posted - you will feel a massive weight off your shoulders tip toeing around this loser - your children will too - please listen to those of us who have been there xx

GabsAlot · 13/10/2017 00:16

you cant just chang th locks 5foot

id leave sooner op-your dc already know somthing isnt right they always do

Moanranger · 13/10/2017 00:17

Why wait 2years? Both of mine were at uni when we split & they coped very well. At that age they are at least half way out the door already, & you will find that at least half of their friends parents have split.
Not an excuse. Move on.

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 00:18

I've never been a job snob and I feel quite ashamed to realise DH is not only a job snob but actually looks down on me and how I live my life. This is even though I have more academic qualifications than him and achieved more in research than he did before I gave it up and turned my hands to other thing. By luck and hard work these brought in more money and allowed me to look after DC and our home.

I don't expect praise or anything other than to not be compared unfavourably to some of the women he works with. Invariably, they either have no DC or have childcare so that they can have a civilised working day with lunches, meetings and drinks and a chat after work.

OP posts:
Lunde · 13/10/2017 00:18

The kids are grown and at Uni - you don't need to subject yourself to more of this abusive treatment

CakesRUs · 13/10/2017 00:21

If you've made up your mind - 2 years is a long time to live this way. Have you spoken to your children about this as they're grown up? They must see how he treats you and know it is not right?

Middleoftheroad · 13/10/2017 00:22

Don't wait two years. You're bright, you're an academic (you are) remember that - he can't take that away! Be the strong woman you are and mive on to a happy life Please don't waste any more time. You deserve more than him.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 13/10/2017 00:24

don't expect praise or anything other than to not be compared unfavourably to some of the women he works with

I don't understand what you mean by this?

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 00:25

Reading back over your comments, dear mumsnetters, I am overwhelmed by how sensible you all sound. And to have taken the time to talk these things through with me, thank you.

Yes, I Ned to stop filling the empty hours in the evening with wine. I'm trying to hurry the time along, I guess.

OP posts:
ladybird69 · 13/10/2017 00:30

My exH and I used to holiday with his family every single holiday. One holiday the children were talking to hotel entertainer and he said exH and his (single) sis was mum and dad and that I was the 'nanny' it kind of defined the relationship quite well as I was treated as an unpaid skivvy! Out of date clothing and no makeup (I didn't need any according to my exH)
Get out now before they (your children) start to treat you like 'the help' as mine did! I left but much too late, the damage had been done and he'd brainwashed the children that I was a worthless piece of shit. He had brought them up single handily whilst running a multi million pound business (that I used to run behind the scenes) he was the flashy monster who took the credit for everything. I was head hunted a couple of times but each time he got his opinion in ie my wife doesn't need a 'real' job. By putting myself last I lost everything please please don't end up like me. Flowersbe strong x

UpnAbout · 13/10/2017 00:30

So what age are the kids? Really sounds as though you are an amazing lady, you have provided for the family for years, maybe time he left the family, he isn't doing anything for you and life is too short x

yhis might sound more flippant than it is x

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 00:31

Cinder, as an example he recently said one of his female colleagues stated that we shouldn't help our DC over a problem he had. I exclaimed my shock that he could entertain such a thing and he proceeded to praise this female colleague as knowing better than me as she deals with student problems all the time. It was therefore her learned opinion that we should leave DC to suffer.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 13/10/2017 00:33

Why would he be even sharing the problem with a female colleague.

You need to be making escape plans - you are a long time dead !

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 00:34

Ladybird69 Flowers

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 13/10/2017 00:35

There is absolutely no reason to wait 2 years. He clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore, and is probably treating you badly so that you'll be the one to finish it. You could sit him down and just say, "Look, we both know this isn't working anymore. Isn't it time we went our separate ways?"

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 00:36

Notapizzaeater - exactly. He seems chatty enough with his colleagues (mostly uni administrators and fellow academics) but reluctant to engage in any talk at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 00:41

Kelly I have brought up going our separate ways before but he doesn't agree.
I know he loves our house and he still gets everything done for him.

OP posts:
Libby75 · 13/10/2017 00:42

I came on here at my GP's advice after she diagnosed me with depression today secondary to the way my husband has behaved over the last few months, and the first thing I see is someone being completely taken for a ride by OH but too scared to do do anything about it and unsure if it's true - it's karma! Please don't refer to him as DH, nothing D about it. Your child(ren) will not be immune to what's going on, and I hope at university age they will be able to appreciate complex situations lie behind adult decisions to separate. Do you want to set them an example of staying with someone who makes you unhappy? You don't have to keep putting up with this for the sake of someone else, whether that's your husband or your child. I know it's terrifying to contemplate confrontation, I feel the same way. Be brave.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 13/10/2017 00:47

Shirley nobody can make you do something you don't want to do - I've been there and the thought of being on my own even without a 'partner' who supposedly worshipped me and would do absolutely anything for me scared me to hell - errr no, he had such an ego he couldn't bare to think of me with anyone else and that's the reason he claimed to 'love me'

Now? I vowed never to let a man treat me that way again - and they haven't. As hard as it is to hear - it's true in that you're only treat the way you allow it

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/10/2017 00:48

"Look, we both know this isn't working anymore. Isn't it time we went our separate ways?"

I disagree. Take the power back

"I dont love you anymore, you treat me appallingly and I want a divorce, shall we sell the house or do you want to buy me out?"

that'll take the wind out of the nasty bastards sails, men like him hate being rejected. However.....and I am sorry to say this.....but be prepared for a new girlfriend to appear almost immediately as I have to be honest and say that I would be very very surprised if he hasnt been cheating on you over the years. The distancing, late nights, contempt and unfavourable comparisons would suggest so. Flowers

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2017 00:49

Why are you doing things for him when he doesn't respect you? You owe him nothing. Stop now. Do not run around after him anymore. Don't cook, wash, iron etc. If he is too good to help you, you are too good to skivvy for him.

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