... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

Beware the Greeks when bearing gifts..quote from Virgil's Aeneid

I think he's blindsiding you.

I was treated to meals out, cinema, days out etc while my exh was screwing the other woman.
Even if he's not gone that far, he's trying to keep you sweeet.

Meanwhile keep on with plan a

1 counselling
2 replacing alcohol with a hobby/ gym
3 solicitor

More likely either throwing you a bone or throwing you off the scent with the dance lessons. One thing I've found with men like your 'd'H is that they're very canny at picking up the least little change or shift in their partner's behaviour. Sometimes when the partner doesn't even realize they've changed themselves!

As far as having his colleague to dinner, to what purpose? She's 'devoted to educational matters' and he's hoping you'll want to resume your career in the field? To make you feel inferior with her brilliance? Or just because he wants his slavey to cook a nice dinner for him and his colleague?

OP please please take the advice from here. MN's are a fantastic bunch sometimes. YOU DESERVE MORE.
And don't slave over a hot stove cooking for him and his colleague. He will spend money on a nice restaurant instead and you can treat yourself to a new outfit, hair done, make-up whatever, just because it's about time you thought of yourself for once. SERIOUSLY. xxx

So - he's returned from a meal out with '2' others and has mentionitis? Wants '1' of them over for a meal to show you how lovely/intelligent/sparky she is.

He suddenly wants t do a 'coupley' thing (which he def needs you for) totally randomly and co-incidentally ? Think the '2' women were talking about Strictly and how they she would love to be able to do that.....

You are taking it as an interest in you. Nope. Nope Nope NOPE!

He's come back from his night out entertaining two women with an interest in taking up dancing. Hmm. I think I know who he is trying to impress and sorry to say, it's not you.

Not a ray of hope OP, just trying to Confuse you. I think he’s getting ready to leave and isn’t following your 2 year plan .. protect yourself now while you can.

When my sister was 8 she told my mum to leave my dad. My mum didn't listen. My sister now lives with someone she's not happy with out of loyalty and duty. Living the exact same life. It's sad. But I truly believe you mirror what you see. And I wonder if you would be happy for your DC to settle the way you have.

My mum is still with my dad and the dynamics are far from healthy. But at least she lives her own life. He cooks, washes for himself cause he has to. That's the very least your H should be doing .

He may well have picked up a slight change in you.

What's the worst to happen if you go to dance classes? You hopefully will have fun. It is exercise. It is something to do out of the house.

You're still on your two year plan. If he's planning to leave and he wants to learn to dance for someone else he's still planning to leave.

I think you either take control back. Or you continue to allow him to dictate the rules. You have the answers and only you can decide.

But please don't be disrespected. Please take up some hobbies of your own. See a lawyer about the company assets and how to protect yourself and your DC.

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this.

Academia can be such a horrible place sometimes. It's competitive, ego-driven, and there are pathways that basically reward selfish and anti-social behaviour, which can easily lead weak-minded people (generally men) to believe that they possess god-like powers of interpretation and intelligence.

You deserve better than this. You are NOT less intelligent than your partner. You've just not had the same opportunities as he has because you've sacrificed your own intellectual career for a practical one that served your family. Basically, your husband has only been able to get on the way he has because you have undertaken all of the work of social reproduction - the housework, cleaning, childcare. Without that organisation, there is no way he could have been so singlemindedly focused on his career. Some of his credit - and quite a bit of his wage - has always depended on you. He clearly hasn't read his Marxist theory nearly well enough.

I understand your fear about these female colleagues around him - I think you probably need to look at that in more detail. Do you really think he's cheating? Or is it a lingering doubt that he might? If he did cheat, how would you feel? To be honest, he doesn't sound like much of a prize anyway- the way he is behaving is disgraceful. You are in your 50s, but you speak a little like you are in your 80s - as if life is winding down, and you'll just have to settle. That is NOT true! You potentially have 30-40 years of good life ahead of you. Are you really going to waste it in this miserable marriage? Don't you deserve so much better?

Please recognise that while academia probably does have a higher proportion of selfish arses than other professions, it is still a choice that those individuals are making. I am married to a man who is 5 years older than me, and who was made a professor at 40, and is currently head of a world-leading department at 45. He is sweet, kind, and generous, and makes a huge effort to ask my opinion of everything from practicalities to intellectual arguments. The first thing he will say to anyone we meet is that I'm the intelligent one in the partnership (this is not true, but it means I'm not relegated to the realm of the "little wife"!!). When he goes to conferences, I come along (obviously, I pay for my own ticket) and I sometimes give a paper (adjacent fields); he does the same in my field to support me, even though he's terribly busy and tired. When either of us flies anywhere, we generally try to take a couple of days of annual leave so we can see the world together. When he goes for drinks after work, I'm invited along (I know many of his colleagues very well as I used to work with them in a different job).

It's possible to do this life in a companionable way, and it is also a choice not to do that - your husband has engineered this life.

He is doing what H is doing.
Having felt that this are getting slippery and you are thinking that enough is enough, he is trying to reign your u back in.

Tbh I can see my self in you, a few years ago. Oh he did something nice maybe he finally has seen the light and will give me a bit of attention/respect. my experience is that no actually it doesn't last

Last time that H did that I just thought 'Fuck off. If you are able to do that NOW, why haven't yu being doing it all those years ago? If yu can show some attention, do xxx with me, why is it that yu cando it now but you couldn't do it 5 years ago when I asked you?'

And TBH I think it's a good question to ask yourself.
Why is it ok for him to be nice NOW but not before?
My answer has been that before that there was no need to treat me well because I was just accepting all the crap. And also because actually what he cares about isn't me, it's him (and having a wife at home etc etc, not ME as a person, because he loves and cares about me)

So what do you think? Why is he acting like this?

So much good advice on here, OP, I hope you follow it!

The first thing you have to do is deal with how miserable you are, so stop drowning your sorrows indoors of an evening and get out and do stuff. See friends/family, join a book club, a gym, go to the movies, start an evening class (or even teach an evening class!) do some voluntary work, anything to keep you away from the wine bottle. And make your escape plan, for which you will need to see a lawyer.

The day I told my emotionally and financially abusive ex that our marriage was over and that I wanted him to leave was one of the best days of my life. The relief was immediate and palpable. It was like a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders, I felt elated.

Look forward to the day when you can enjoy that feeling. Start trying to imagine it, and hopefully you'll want to sort this sooner than 2 years hence. Two years is a long time when you're miserable.

And definitely go for his pension. It's no more than you deserve, and it will hurt the fucker. For the rest of his life, every month when he gets paid half what he expected, he'll hurt, like he's hurting you now.

So you will be sieving through your thoughts:
Maybe female colleague decided she wasn't invested in this older man & told him so? Maybe she told him to respect & be thankfull for his wife?

I think the reality is he is covering his tracks.
Do not cook for this woman, he has already taken her out to dinner. He could have taken you too.... why didn't he ?

I wondered that.
He sounds vile, op
I haven't found one redeeming feature in anything you've written about him.
Sounds like a supercilious , condescending bell end to me who hasn't invested one iota of himself in family life.

He's whittling away at your self esteem like MichaelAngelo creating David.
I could mentally tie my exh up in a half nelson and I suspect you can do the same.
It's time to play him at his own game Shirley.
You're on to him now and I suspect he knows it...hence the sweeteners.

Like I said earlier
Beware the Greeks when bearing gifts.
What's his game and do you want to play it? Or will you play along until you get where you want to be?

a ray of hope? no. A play by him. Refer to an earlier posters link to “the script”, you’ll find that technique in there it’s scarily accurate

You say you want to care? Change your career to care then, or get a dog - this way the care will be at least rewarding for you and appreciated infinitely more than this tosser does.
Do you think he would care for you? You could develop a ‘mystery’ virus - feeling crap where you can’t do anything you usually do subscribe to Netflix to weather this one and see if he steps up to the mark, and if he does, how long it lasts.

You’re being treated like dirt and deserve better. I agree with speaking to a counsellor.

One last thing... re-read everything you’ve written, re-think everything you’ve thought about the situation and take everything you know and have experienced: now what would you say if it was your daughter saying all that to you? Would you advise her to stay? Part of what guides me in life is knowing that the standards we set ourselves are the standards we accept for our daughters, because they’ll see what we’re doing and think it’s okay

Dowser - I think he’s taken Michealangelos David and it’s trying to whittle it down to a worthless lump of rock.
The OP needs to understand that she is an amazing being, like the statue of David, and deserves to appreciated as such, not be chipped at because someone didn’t want to risk being in their shadow

so he's throwing you a crumb because he's clocked your attitude shift. is it enough?

I admit I’m a pessimist but this would be my take on dinner.
Lady dinner partner 1- wasn’t your wife an expert in blah at Distinguished University.
DH—. Yes, she was, she’s a very clever lady.
LadyDP2- so what does she do now Jack.?
DH- well she keeps herself busy at home, it’s sad really, I’ve tried my best to encourage her but she’s lost her way, to be honest, depression ,I think, and a bit too fond of the wine . It’s. .... difficult.
LDP1- oh I’m so sorry to hear that, such wasted talent.
LDP2– that’s so sad , and difficult for you..........
DH- I do what I can..... but don’t laugh ... I’m taking her to ballroom dancing classes starting next week!! I’m no twinkle toes but it’s something she used to enjoy so I’ll give it a go!
LDP1— hahaha, what fun , good for you.
LLDP2 - that’s very kind Jack, you are thoughtful.

Melony, I sensed this scenario but you actually wrote it down.....

I have a friend who stayed with her husband - he cheated on a very regular basis. After a quarter of a century of being treated like shit she kicked him out.
He didn't want too leave.
Why should he ? Slave at home, then he could just do what he wanted.
He got his own place. Both his mistresses were pissed off, they had both been promised he would leave her - for them.
I don't think your H wants to loose his home, or his slave.
Like they say when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
Stop the drinking. Get fit. Your DC will actually only think you are a mug if you stay.
Don't waste another 2 years on this waste of space.

melony - could well be that scenario.

Or
LDP1(there probably is only 1) I love strictly, do you watch it?
DH Oh yes I love it.

LDP1 - me too, I'd love to be able to do that. Those dancers are so lithe and supple (tinkly laugh)
DH - oh me too. In fact I've always wanted to learn dancing/'I used to dance a long time ago (bit rusty you see)'. Maybe we could go sometime?
LDP1 - Love to. You are so talented....

DH quickly signs up for dancing lessons.

No, he's throwing you crumbs because he's noticed a shift in you and is trying to reel you back in.

When was the last time he took you out for dinner? Tell him you're not cooking for the other woman, that you can all go out to dinner instead.

I also don't believe there was another woman there last night. I reckon he was just saying that to make it sound better.

Just had a moment to check out a few posts on MN and, I must say, there are some great sit-com scriptwriters here! Thank you, you have made me laugh.

Seriously? You think that what people are writing is 'funny'?

I don't.

Funny?

Have you been possessed?!

Funny? Not the general advice and people's own experiences, no. Those are not funny (except in the strangeness of human nature way). I'll read those at length when I have more time tonight.

As I said, I found the scripts funny.

They are funny because they are not real but mimic dialogue that is from someone's imagination. Rich imagination. The key to unlocking mysteries etc. So they stimulate a reaction - humour, even in tragedy (and my situation, no matter how painful and dramatic, is far from 'tragic').