... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

Are you even going to take some of the advice on this thread, about making a life for yourself, with hobbies, friends etc? And getting some legal advice?

Please answer my question.

Motoko, I am very grateful for all the advice given. I compare it and evaluate it against what I feel my options are. I'm just not backed into a corner, yet. I start my research early and weigh up over time. Time itself has a weigh of solving problems.

Nevertheless, with all due respect, you are very wrong when you assume that I lack friends or hobbies. I'll take it as empathy, though.

Plus, I wish you all the best, sincerely.

ptumbi, "The FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) is keeping you there."

Interesting! I like a good acronym. However, I would replace the F - but not sure with what.

Shirley - do you actually want anything to change because I am getting the impression you’d rather stay than leave, give up a chunk of your money to moan about your life. You only get one life; a life without this joker would have to be better than your current situation. You dont have young children so the ONLY thing holding you from changing your life for the better is.... you.

Nevertheless, with all due respect, you are very wrong when you assume that I lack friends or hobbies.

I'm very glad to hear you have them. But people might think you haven't because you talk as if he is all there is. He isn't, and he's a shit.

This 'two years' is a stalling tactic. In two years' time you'll have another reason for it, and you'll have two fewer years left to enjoy your actual life, as you. If a doctor told you you had only two more years to live, what would you do?

Fear of the unknown, if all you’ve had is a life with him?

I'm glad to hear you do have friends or hobbies, but like Yorick said, you gave the impression that you had nothing else in your life.

I still think you should get some legal advice, just to see where you stand. Knowledge is power.

Why does everyone assume lawyers are the goto for every worry?

And, of course I haven't talked about my friends or hobbies because there is nothing wrong there (maybe could do with more time for both, but hey ho, I'm busy.)

There's also nothing wrong with my many pets so there's no point bringing them up - would you assume I have none because I haven't mentioned pets?

Back to lawyers - won't touch them with a barge pole.

I think you're being very foolish OP. You sound like a nice person but you seem bent on sticking your head deep in the sand and hoping everything will go away. It won't. The day may be coming and you need to be prepared. For heaven's sake, at least get some legal advice about the best way to protect your business, both for your long term financial sake and for the sake of your DC's inheritance.

Then you're a fool. Lawyers aren't all shysters. There are many who offer considered, professional advice. If you don't care enough about your business and all the hard work it took to build it, if you don't care that he may walk away with half of it at some point, then by all means, scoff at lawyers.

But if you want to preserve your independence and save your business, see a specialist business lawyer to be sure that that business is secure and protected.

And do realize that he is only there because he hasn't had a better offer. If some other woman came along who was willing to take care of him he'll be off like a shot. Luckily for them, it appears that the women he is around are too smart to fall for someone like him.

I wouldn't go to a lawyer for every worry. That would be silly.

When have a worry about the details of dissolving legally binding contracts like marriage or legal entities like a business then I think a lawyer would have something useful to offer me.

Why did you start this thread? Do you only post after you've started your evening's drinking?

Well, if he decides to divorce you, you won't have any choice but to go see a lawyer.

Why are you being so dismissive, and verging on rude, to people who have been trying to help you, after YOU posted this thread?

So proud of you all (hopefully not patronising) that so many have been supportive no one deserves to feel less than they are

Forgive me, OP, but you seem determined not to hear what anyone else is saying in response to your thread. You’ve shared a number of examples of how he treats you and the resounding response has been that this is not normal, not healthy. Advice aplenty has been offered - yet you say you haven’t had any worthwhile ideas and scorn all solicitors as spawn of the devil.

I can only assume you’ve been with him for so long you have forgotten what a normal relationship should be like and at the moment are unable to grasp the truth of what is being said to you. I hope, if this is the case, that the message will finally sink in: you can (and in my views should) leave this unpleasant man.

I’m also puzzled by your assertion that you need to stay in the marriage for another two years while your DC is at uni. Why? What benefit is there to anyone by your staying? How will it help your adult child if you insist on staying in an unhappy relationship for his sake? You are not being honest with yourself, I think, this is an excuse not to face up to things now.

As for dancing classes and cooking for colleagues? No, no, and thrice no! Why would you even want to entertain the thought?

I think the op has vented, and arrived at her own conclusion that she will wait the two years.

Problems with this are:
Perpetuating the status quo and creating further opportunities for shitty treatment
Not safeguarding the asset of her business
Leaving the possibility that he will seek to separate first, then scrambling to secure her asset
Uni aged children may return to the family home when they graduate, as is often the case
Another two years 'okaying' his behaviour will only consolidate her conditioned thinking that she is biding her time
Mistrusting ALL lawyers despite good reasons for seeking their advice (commercial, personal finances, separating)
I'm sure there are more ...

It’s as if she’s gleeful that she can say to other posters ‘you’re wrong- I have pets/friends/hobbies and so your advice is wrong and I shall ignore it. Anyway I’m out, I am busy turning my own life upside down to achieve my dreams cause you get only one go in life . Good luck with your two year plan - genuinely hope you get what you want.

maybe could do with more time for both, but hey ho, I'm busy

drinking too much wine and watching too much TV alone while letting yourself go is how you're busy

making dinner and ironing and all that for your husband while he entertains other women is also how you are busy

In years to come when op is a grandparent and she sits wringing her hands and her children perpetuate the stoic just another xxx years myth, she'll pour another glass of fino and switch channels with a sigh, wondering how it all came to this.

Well, the first post says it all really.
Sadly, ime and view is that the DCs will be being influenced by the home set up. I hdave adult DCs and now we can openly discuss failings and they say things like, 'I did this and now I can see it was copying your behaviour from the way you were when I was growing up' etc. I've had counselling, they've had counselling, it's a bit shrugging shoulders and carrying on but I hope they will be less likely to make my mistakes.
You have to know yourself and not be in denial about things (counselling). And then openly talking about awkward stuff is the answer.
Keeping an artificial gloss over a troubled marriage is not advisable imv.

Sadly, I think your responses are condescending to a point I think this whole thread is a wind up.

Why on earth would you not consider seeing a solicitor about your options, business/marriage ? other than spending some money isn't it good to be informed even if you decide not to make any changes.
Unless law is part of your academic field ?

But one last thought. How does you darling Husband talk to your DC ? does he belittle them too ? Or are they considered as equals? or do they all belittle you ? Maybe here lies the real reason, you worry if you leave the whole pack including your DC will also turn against you.

To be fair op there has been no suggestion in any of your posts that you have lots of friends and hobbies and your op says that you spend your evenings drinking waiting for him to come home so you can serve his dinner.

And even if the OP does have lots of friends, pets and hobbies she is still choosing to run around after a man who despises her and spends all his time with other women.

The main advice on this thread hasn’t been about lawyers, it has been about speaking to professionals to help you understand your situation - counselling!!!
Is this really the life you pictured for yourself? For all the years of study and hard work to become a maid to a man who doesn’t care about you (ironing board fell over with an almighty crash and he couldn’t pull himself away from watching porn?his room to see if you were okay?!!).
As I said, would you accept it for your daughter if it were her in your shoes?

Good points @Mix56

Maybe DCs will learn about duty, endurance, finding out about options, hard work and that there are many ways to live a life.