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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
ambereeree · 12/10/2017 17:01

I hope the neighbour and friend are reading this thread. Yes you are both cfs.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/10/2017 17:02

Where do you live?!? I will come round and write the texts for you. What your ‘friend’ did was obscene and you cannot just leave it. The neighbour is just a chancer just start saying no. ‘Sorry I don’t feel well’ if you don’t want to confront.

OhHolyJesus · 12/10/2017 17:04

Ignoring calls and requests is fine too OP - you have your own kids and a job so are busy, but I agree that you have to say no and get your money back (and some on top ideally).
A horrid position but you can take control. Set an example for your kids and stand up for yourself.

YouTheCat · 12/10/2017 17:10

I'd continue with the ignoring the neighbour. If she pops round just say you won't be having her kids anymore and she needs to sort something else out.

As to the other cheeky fucker - send her an itemised bill and then never do another favour for her.

Oxcheeks · 12/10/2017 17:12

You really need to put your friend straight, why should you be out if pocket for looking after her children for a week while she swans off to Paris, it's shocking! Provide her with a figure for food, activities and 'your time' even if she'd left a 0 off the end I still think that's not enough, I'm getting really pissed off for you.

lookingbeyond40 · 12/10/2017 17:16

Text back this:

“Did you forget the 0 on the end when you transferred the money? I understand if you spent all your money shopping in Paris, so you can pay me the rest I next week”

Jux · 12/10/2017 17:17

Text your friend that she herself had said the going rate was £30 a day, and then that the cinema and aquarium as per her instructions cost £xx, adn that makes a total of £xx.

You might lose a friend but doyou want a friend who values your time at a rate of £20 a week? Not really.

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/10/2017 17:21

What a CF!

myusernamewastaken · 12/10/2017 17:25

Why in gods name did you agree to looking after someone elses 3 children for a week...a weekend maybe....but a week !!!

Raven69351 · 12/10/2017 17:33

I agree with the poster who said you need to know how to say no OP.

Do not agree to childcare again.

Deemail · 12/10/2017 17:35

What's holding you back from speaking up for yourself? What's the worst you think will happen.

Your neighbour up stairs may not be friendly with you any more, so what she's a user and you don't need her.
Your friend will fall out with you? So what you'll never be able to respect or feel the same way about her again for the way she's used you and taken advantage of your good nature.

Sometimes we tie ourselves up in knots about what the fallout will be when really the fallout will matter very little.
You can communicate by text without anger or hostility. How they choose to react is their own doing. You're not responsible for how they choose to take your very valid points

But it is your responsibility to put an end to been used and move on or accept you haven't the voice to speak up and this type of scenario will be common in your life. Speaking up will initially feel uncomfortable and upsetting but it'll be dealt with and moved on from. Staying quiet will mean you harbour feelings of been used and resentment. That's not good for your mental well being.

Next time your neighbours texts either off paid services or say you aren't interested in child minding.

With your friend, bite the bullet. Say you won't be able to treat yourself, state how much extra having her little one added to your grocery shopping and cost of day out. Say there's obviously crossed wires as you'd been assured of payment and £20 isn't adequate.

Most importantly never allow yourself to be put in this position again.

KenBarlow · 12/10/2017 17:40

You absolutely need to send these messages people are suggesting for you OP.
This needs to end NOW.

You aren’t going to lose anything from telling them, and you’ll gain more free time to enjoy your children instead of entertaining theirs.

DamsonGin · 12/10/2017 17:47

You sound really nice, but arseholes tend to use and shit on nice people Flowers Even if you don't say anything about what's happened in the past (which you totally can, that really wouldn't be unreasonable), focus on time spent with your own children and putting your own needs first.

Schtinkay · 12/10/2017 18:16

Why don't you work instead of being on benefits OP? They couldn't take advantage then

Schtinkay · 12/10/2017 18:18

Sorry OP - cross posted with your update.

BlueThesaurusRex · 12/10/2017 18:30

What’s your accent OP?

Because if you’re not going to do it PLEASE let one of us ring her pretending to be you and tell her what needs to be said.

These CF threads break my heart sometimes cos I just want to jump in there and sort it!!

Gemini69 · 12/10/2017 18:34

your friend is Disgusting for doing this to you.. WTAF Flowers

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 18:46

Neighbour is texting offering to pick up my son tomorrow, I declined saying I wanted to talk to his teacher, now she's texting offering to pick up groceries from asda and if I'd like to be her running partner, think she's realising the gravy train is running dry by me ignoring most of her calls and texts today. I thought I'd feel a lot worse. Still shitting myself about bumping into her as I know I'll have less courage in person but feeling a tad bit better.

OP posts:
Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 18:50

The friend is a bit harder. I think I'm going to write off about £100. And think hard about how that could have gone on my kids Xmas present. And look at her Facebook on Xmas day and see her boasting about what she's given each child and let it remind me to never be so blinking stupid again. Serves me right. While their having turkey, lobster or whatever I should be having dry crackers. £100 could really have given my kids a good Xmas, but I've blown it all on her kids.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 18:51

She's a user, and she knows your too nice to say no. Start growing a pair and saying no.

category12 · 12/10/2017 18:51

You can do this. You're not doing anything wrong. It's OK to say no.

southeastlondonmum · 12/10/2017 18:56

Honestly you just need to text your friend now and say
'Thanks for money but I was a bit surprised. This doesn't even cover expenses which was x but if was a big ask and I was hoping for x for having them'. She's no friend if she gives you 20 quid

mintinbox · 12/10/2017 18:56

Awful behaviour.

If you can't get the confidence to tell them no for you then what about your own children?

These extra children and taking time away from your children with their mother and food out of their mouths.

Think of this when you tell them no and hopefully it will give you the encouragement you need to get rid of the leeches.

ZippyCameBack · 12/10/2017 18:57

You don't have to let it ruin your kids' Christmas if you tackle her about it. Use the fear of disappointing your own children to make you challenge her about her shitty behaviour.
If you don't then you will just end up feeling worse for letting her get away with it.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/10/2017 18:57

Why is the friend harder? What is the worst that would happen? I mean the friendship is a write off anyway. Who thinks £20 is reasonable for looking after children for a whole week. She knows she's being cheeky. I don't think you have anything to lose by sending a text. Especially if it's going to make such a difference to your kids Christmas. Use that as your motivation!

Stay strong with the cf neighbour. Repeat over and over what you'll say when you see her. Flowers