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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
Katedotness1963 · 12/10/2017 15:21

The friend who told you to charge your neighbour "at least £30 a day" gave you £20 for looking after her three children for a week?? i just don't know what to say to that...

christinarossetti · 12/10/2017 15:28

Yes, my friend's own reckoning she owes you £90 per day for each of the days that you had her children.

And there's food and outings on top, of course.

DesignedForLife · 12/10/2017 15:32

Are you the same poster who had drama because she hadn't told you of food allergies and you fed the kid a sausage and she picked kid up and said they needed to go to hospital?

Either way tell her no more childcare. Full stop. She needs to pay a CM. No paying you to do it as she's taking the mick.

RestingBitchFaced · 12/10/2017 15:36

£20 for a week? That is outrageous! 😵

c3pu · 12/10/2017 15:43

"Hi, looking after your kids isn't working out for me. I won't be having them any more."

Then don't be around when you usually were for a week!

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 16:20

I'm an early years teacher, so I have lots of experience with children. After having the children I got really depressed and large crowds overwhelmed me. I will be looking for work in the new year. I'm a lot better now. My sister used to use me merciless for childcare and my mum spoke to her, so it stopped and my aunt did too and my nan flew off the handle with her and told her what she should pay me, she's as good as gold now and she buys the largest amount of grocery and includes nappies and wipes for my daughter too. But I can't keep expecting everyone to fight my battles.

When I say I'm wonderful with kids it's not meant to be a boast, as since my depression I don't really enjoy their company anymore (looking for a career change) but when I have them I'm all there, I use opportunities to give them experiences, help with homework, plan trips based on their interests, have endless patience with them on the outside but in my head I'm thinking how many times am I going to ask you not to please jump on the bed.

I make one to one time for each child every day and do a hot meal and puddings, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and so unappreciated.

When she left for a week she said take the kids to the cinema I'll sort money and the aquarium and now all I have to show for that is £20.

My neighbour has been calling all the day but the wuss that I am I've ignored the calls, voicemails and messages waiting for me. I hate how weak I am sometimes.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 12/10/2017 16:23

Seriously - make an actual itemised list of what they cost you. I understand the temptation to back down on "it wasnt that hard, I guess I dont deserve to be paid for my time" (you do), but list the trips costs and food costs and tell her you need at least that. Dont end up paying HER for your time!

Ttbb · 12/10/2017 16:26

You are enabling the CFs

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 16:27

She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful

I'm trying to be sympathetic but it's hard to when you are so much the agent of your own problem. You need to learn the word no, and fast. You are extremely unreasonable by giving free childcare to cheeky fuckers.
you have to take some responsibility for yourself here.

ThedementedPenguin · 12/10/2017 16:28

Wow I’m shocked your friend only gave you £20 even after telling you to stop the other arrangement as it was a piss take.

Please don’t let this go, message her saying £20 is a joke & tell her you need £xxx to cover the full week.

MissMisery · 12/10/2017 16:32

Whenever I read one of these posts I always think of a conversation I had years ago with a friend of mine (who was ahead of me in the 'having kids' thing) with regards going back to work once you've had children:

Me "I just don't understand how people manage it if they don't have family they can rely on or can't afford/don't want to pay for childminders??"

Her "Oh they just take the piss out of other people. I see it all the time outside school".

I didn't believe it at the time, but years on I see it myself. Sad but true.
People are way too happy to take advantage..

greendale17 · 12/10/2017 16:32

I hate threads like this.

You are an adult. Why is it so hard to say no???

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/10/2017 16:33

Sorry to hear of your depression Flowers

That can make everything feel overwhelming. And it's hard enough saying no to people at the best of times.

For your own sanity I think you already know you have to get this all to stop. It's just a question of how, when you don't feel up to what feels like a confrontation.

I'm afraid I've read enough threads on here to recognise a cheeky fucker. And your neighbour and 'friend' fall into that category.

Practice saying no to yourself in the mirror. I find also writing out what I want to say on a notepad so I can just read it helps too.

And keep in mind you're doing this for your own sake. You can't keep doing this. Take care Flowers

DancesWithOtters · 12/10/2017 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topbananaa · 12/10/2017 16:40

I really feel for you.
I know it sounds stupid but honestly, practising what you're going to say, and a few possible responses to what they might reply will help you.
Or just write a text, then send without thinking about it too much, then it's done.
You can't continue like this.
Good luck!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/10/2017 16:43

"While I would rather not fall out with you x I have to tell you I am surprised and insulted at the £20 and "treat yourself" comment. We agreed £30 a day and money for food, you told me to do the cinema/aquarium. Last week cost me a fortune, to be be honest I feel used, unappreciated and insulted. I hate confrontation and almost let this go and said nothing but I just had to get it off my chest"

Neighbour:
"You wouldn't believe the amount of friends taking advantage of me for free childcare so I am going to use my qualifications again and register so charging £30 a day from now on, effective immediately, no exceptions as I am treating all friends the same" - she will never pay so never ask you again, guaranteed!

Op you have to speak you now, text them, that way you can avoid an awkward chat. Letting them away with it is the same as saying it's ok to treat me like this and so it will continue

FatBottomedGal · 12/10/2017 16:44

I'm also a bit of a people pleaser but I wouldn't have someone walk over me that blatantly, especially someone I consider a friend. The issue is although you can avoid doing something like this again in the future, you won't be able to forget how that payment made you feel.

I would probably text her and say 'I'm really sorry but £20 doesn't really cover the cost of having the kids for the week. I gave them 3 meals a day, plus snacks, plus xyz activities and it took up a lot of energy! Would you be ok to send me an extra £xx?'

ItWentInMyEye · 12/10/2017 16:49

Please don't let her get away with only giving you £20. If you asking for what you are owed and deserve is a friendship breaker for her then you know to just stay away. Flowers

KinkyAfro · 12/10/2017 16:50

Don't ask her if she's ok to send x amount, TELL her she needs to send x amount

babba2014 · 12/10/2017 16:51

Easy
Friend: You're funny. You told me to charge £30 a day to neighbour so I was expecting that from you or I would have said no as I had another opportunity to child mind and earn some much needed cash but I said no as friends come first. Although I don't expect £30 a day from you but £20 a day as I had to buy their food and tickets (or whatever activity) too. Please send the rest as you advised me this yourself.

I say £20 so she thinks you're being cool. Then wash your hands off her completely and never offer to babysit again or agree to it.

Neighbour: Someone's reported me for childminding and apparently you can't do it even for relatives unless registered so I can't do it anymore as I'm under watch. If anything changes I'll let you know.

Use this same reason for everyone else when they ask you in the future.

Don't answer her calls. Ignore texts. Clearly it's not for conversation but only for babysitting anyway.

It's really easy this one.

muthasquigle · 12/10/2017 16:52

OP, your neighbour and friend are absolutely using you, and they bloody know it.

In this situation the word “no” is your friend. As daft as it might sound, practice saying it. You’re not a bad person for saying no.

Therealjudgejudy · 12/10/2017 16:52

Seriously...people don't respect you and use you because you are a total mug and walkover. Your kids will see this and that's not ok. Teach Your kids that self respect is important.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2017 16:55

You MUST stand up for yourself with your £20 "friend". You MUST. You'll feel so much better when you have.

Either she'll never speak to you again (so no friend of yours in the first place) or she'll huff & puff but pay up and not take the piss e etc again.

And you'll learn to get cash upfront.

FFS I leave my family with some cash for my 2 if they're providing childcare, even though they always try to refuse.

A week, for 3 kids, for £20 in your bank account. Fucking insulting.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/10/2017 16:58

I pay £35 a night for someone to have my dog

Hope this helps. Beyond angry for you Flowers

ptumbi · 12/10/2017 17:01

Seriously OP - get some more moeny out of 'friend' right now! She is no friend, and will probably take the huff and never see you again anyway, so do it before she does.

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