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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
Deemail · 12/10/2017 18:59

Why's the friend harder? Why should you do without because of her greed and more importantly why should you have less money to spend on your kids.
Message her with detailed break downs on what it cost you to do her a favour. Also send her what it would've cost her to pay some one to do the service you provided and point out that saving of not having to either paying someone for child minding or bring her daughter's along meant she could afford to go herself.
Tell her you're out of pocket and wouldn't care if you had the money but you don't and that your helping out has left you short.

category12 · 12/10/2017 19:00

Come on Clueless, ask friend for the £100 - the worst that can happen is she ends the friendship and then you won't see her posts on FB at Xmas any way. Win/win.

thatdearoctopus · 12/10/2017 19:00

I don't think it is too late to text friend and pick her up on the £20. Just say, "£20?! But I had your three children for a whole week! Are you serious? I'm out of pocket by quite substantially more than that."
And see what comes back. Seriously, what have you got to lose? A cheeky fucker friend. At the very least, it means you won't get put upon again by her.

Pumpkinnose · 12/10/2017 19:00

This has got to be a hoax!!

Jux · 12/10/2017 19:11

Please text her. Please tell her.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/10/2017 19:12

You stand at a crossroads.

Follow one path and on Christmas Day you will look at her Facebook and think to yourself about how £100 could really have given my kids a good Xmas and feel utterly shit and defeated by the world.

Follow the other and at Christmas you can spend £100 on giving the children a really good Christmas. As they tuck into the turkey you will be feeling happy, strong and proud of yourself.

Which future do you want?

You only have to get the nerve up to send a text.

What about drafting a text, don't send it, post it here and we'll make suggestions on how to improve it. Then when she replies post her reply here too and we will help you respond.

We've got your back. We want your children to have a bloody good Christmas.

Jux · 12/10/2017 19:12

You could send her a simple text which acts on her conscience. "£20? Is that how you value me?"

Original poster
Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 19:13

I wish it was a hoax. Nah Pumpkin it's just a demonstration of me being the biggest muppet England has ever known.

I've been getting a weird feeling with her. Last year around Xmas went to hers with my kids, promised to take me out, I spent the majority of the time in her house. Was bored out of my little head. But the icing on the cake was when she had bought special food for her youngest child and wouldn't share them with mine. Instead my lot got the value range. I kid you not. I was majorly pissed and did say, the value pack didn't look as appealing and that her child was kinda teasing mine with look what I have and she said she was on a special diet and refused to eat certain foods. My nan calls her an uppidy bitch. Why I can't stand up for me and my kids I'll never know.

OP posts:
seven201 · 12/10/2017 19:15

Well done for ignoring the neighbour. 1 (sort of) down, 1 to go. It's harder as she's your friend and you don't want to offend (even though she's taken the piss). How about:
"Thanks for the £20 and I find this really awkward as you are my good friend. As you said to take the kids to the cinema and aquarium I did. Their tickets (excluding mine) came to £x plus feeding them for the week came to £y. I really can't afford to lose money from their staying with me as that would mean my dc wouldn't get many present for christmas and I'll struggle with bills this month. Please can you transfer x + y? As I said, I feel really awkward and I wouldn't be asking if I didn't need to".

I personally think you should be asking for more and less apologetic but I'm hoping this might get you something without needing to worry too much. Be strong!

DamsonGin · 12/10/2017 19:18

I think this friendship is probably doomed, either through resentment or you texting to ask for more to cover your expenses. Only one of those will have any chance of a better Christmas for you.

Original poster
Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 19:22

How does this sound:

The children had a fun week, I took them to the aquarium and cinema as you requested and had to buy some extra food. I think £20 is a bit low as this doesn't even cover the aquarium. I really don't want money to come between our friendship. I think £100 is fair as if you had to pay childcare for the week for three children, it would be a lot more. Hope to hear from you soon x

OP posts:
Sunnyx · 12/10/2017 19:22

Really OP, you will feel so much better when you stick up for yourself. They are not real friends...they will be the ones losing out, not you. The £20 is very insulting. What are you actually afraid of? That you have to see her everyday at the school run? Or that she'll turn other mums against you?

DamsonGin · 12/10/2017 19:23

Sounds good.

Lovetunnocks · 12/10/2017 19:23

Re your 'friend' - I am the most non-confrontational person ever so would send something like this... "Thanks for advice re my cf neighbour, you'll be pleased to know I'm not watching her kids for free anymore! When we spoke you also mentioned how I should be charging her £30 a day which reminded me that we still haven't settled up for me watching your three for a week while you were in Paris. If you could transfer the extra cash asap that would be great. See you soon!'. If she comes back and says 'I gave you twenty quid' then you text her back with 'Yes but you said that was to get a treat for myself - which I have, thank you. But I still need the money for aquarium (££) and other activity (££) plus their food for the week. I know you wouldn't want me to be out of pocket for doing you a favour. :) :)'.

Re the neighbour the excuse that someone has reported you as a childminder is perfect.

Lovetunnocks · 12/10/2017 19:24

Sorry OP - cross posted there - yes, send your one.

DamsonGin · 12/10/2017 19:24

In fact, sounds good but low. It's up to you though how much you ask for.

marfisa · 12/10/2017 19:26

My therapist once said to me that every time I was said 'yes' to other people, I was effectively saying 'no' to my family and to myself. Seeing things in this light somehow made it easier to start saying no more often.

Save your time and energy to lavish on yourself, your children and real friends (people who give back instead of just taking).

Tell your CFN you can't look after her children any more, you need to focus on your own children.

Tell your CF Paris friend that £20 is not what you agreed, tell her to pay you x amount -- £20 a day would be entirely reasonable.

These people won't be happy but deep down they will respect you for looking after yourself. And they don't add anything positive to your life, so you have nothing to lose by distancing yourself from them!

Good luck OP, you and your family are worth it.

marfisa · 12/10/2017 19:27

Also x posted! Your message is excellent but £100 is still quite low.

Miloarmadillo1 · 12/10/2017 19:28

Don't for pity's sake go in all apologetic to your so called friend - she is majorly taking the piss. I pay more than £100 a week for a friend to look after my dog, and she goes complete with food, treats etc so no outlay - and I'm aware that's a mate's rate and cheaper than kennels so I'm grateful!
"You owe me a minimum of £x for food and activities during the week I cared for your children, please transfer immediately" I doubt you will get anything for your time as she clearly doesn't value it, but at least you won't be out of pocket. Get mad! How very dare she deprive your children of Christmas presents while she swans about on a child-free holiday?! And then say 'No' to every future request. No clarification, no excuses, just 'No, that doesn't work for me".

SpiritedLondon · 12/10/2017 19:34

Please please send the text.... what's the worse thing that could happen. She doesn't speak to you again?. She says no? The sky would not fall in and you could feel like you stood up for yourself and your children. If you need an incentive head over to the Christmas thread and check out all the lovely bargains those mumsnetters have uncovered and how you might be able to get for your kids this Christmas. Please do it x

eddielizzard · 12/10/2017 19:36

no no no.

'i took your kids out on your request and fed them for a week. i'm £100 out of pocket. is this really how you repay a friend who's doing you a massive favour?'

type in the text, think of your kids and press send. what a crap friend she is. i hope she never speaks to you again because you deserve better.

zoomiee · 12/10/2017 19:37

Nothing to add, please do send the text to ‘friend’. I leave a tenner per kid when family / friends are taking them out for the day to cover bits and bobs- and always ask if they will give me any additional costs- it’s so important that you stand firm and consider your own worth.

PastaOfMuppets · 12/10/2017 19:38

Clueless I'd toughen your 2nd sentence to "Given you told me I should charge Neighbour £30 per day and I had your kids for X days, we both know £20 isn't right, and it doesn't even cover the aquarium you asked me to take them to", then absolutely request a more appropriate amount than £100.

If you're worried about confrontation with a friend, think of it this way: she clearly knows she's taken advantage of you, so isn't being a friend to you, therefore no need to be worried about confrontation with a friend.

Your benefits are meant for your DCs and you, not to pay for food and activities for other people's DCs while they go out earning money for themselves (and not paying for their DCs' CM costs) or spending up on holiday in Paris.

Inertia · 12/10/2017 19:38

I agree that you need to make it clear to your friend that she needs to repay the money you spent on her children's food / visitor attractions. Don't be apologetic about it, you're in the right.

LucieLucie · 12/10/2017 19:38

...the aquarium and cinema as you requested and had to buy some extra food. I think £20 is a bit low as this doesn't even cover the aquarium. I really don't want money to come between our friendship. I think £100 is fair as if you had to pay childcare for the week for three children, it would be a lot more. Hope to hear from you soon x

If I were you I’d find out exactly** how much the childcare alone for her 3 children would have cost her elsewhere then add on itemised food and activities.

Do you have anything in writing asking you to take them saying she’d pay for their activities and food?

Bill her. The friendship is not real anyway so you have absolutely nothing to lose here. She has behaved appallingly and needs telling.

Tell her you only provided the expensive activities because she specifically told you she’d pay you for them and on that basis alone, she’s ripped you off.

Shame on her! Angry