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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
Cookiesandcake · 12/10/2017 13:41

I'd message her back saying you do realise food alone cost more than £20

DancesWithOtters · 12/10/2017 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/10/2017 13:42

I get panic attacks at the thought of confronting others and hate disappointing people

As a people pleaser, you might find it easier to say no if you stop thinking about it as them taking from you and start thinking of it as them taking from your children.

When you take care of someone else's children you are choosing to take your time off your own children and give it to someone else.

When you pay for someone else's food out of your own pocket then you are taking money away from your children and giving it to someone else.

£20 friend can be easily handled, avoid confrontation with deliberate misunderstanding.

"Thanks for the £20 to tide me over until I get you the proper bill, much appreciated. We agreed £30 a day plus money for food and activities so that makes it £x. Would appreciate it by next week or I'll have trouble paying the bills. Glad you had such an amazing time, looked fantastic on FB! x"

Bubba1234 · 12/10/2017 13:43

You are letting people walk all over you just say no

Decemberqueen · 12/10/2017 13:47

Stop being a Brew I used to be one. Stand in front of the mirror and practise the word 'No' . It worked for me when I had to start being more assertive and I hope it works for you. Try it in different accents, say it slowly, quickly, but keep practising.
Excellent advice from above, especially Chevalier. It's disgusting that these CFs are taking advantage of someone on benefits ie low income and expecting you to pay for their children!

Do not give them room for negotiation when you say no. If a child does not get picked up from school it is their problem, their child is not your child. They are making their childcare issues, your issues. They are not.
she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.
Her views are immaterial. You are not her childcare, well not anymore, not now.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/10/2017 13:47

Next time they ask you? Say "no, sorry I can't babysit for you anymore. It's too much work to be a casual arrangement. You will need to find a babysitter or childminder from now on." Then shut the door in their entitled faces.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/10/2017 13:48

I think the friend is being absolutely awful, more than just cheeky. With the 20 quid and the 'treat yourself' comment she's saying that she expects that to be a lot to you. She's distributing largesse to her low-income friend - she doesn't consider you worth compensating for your time and outlay or even worth a decent thank you, as she believes you have nothing better to do and indeed almost that you should be grateful. Horrifically patronising, in a way that makes me, and should make you, really uncomfortable.

I'd say to her calmly (on the phone or in person, not by text) 'this comes nowhere close to even covering my costs, let alone providing me with a thank you. Do you think it's appropriate?' Either she will realise how she's come across, be ashamed and apologise, and be better in future, or she'll stammer and bluster and make it clear what she really thinks.

The neighbour is quite simply using you as much as she can get away with. Don't let her get away with it any more.

Theresamayscough · 12/10/2017 13:49

So what’s your plan going forward op?

washingmachinefastwash · 12/10/2017 13:50

Tell her she will need to organise a childminder as you’re not doing it anymore.

BlueSapp · 12/10/2017 13:51

What example are you showing your kids by letting others walk over you like this.

If you want control of your life back, bun these people off, when upstairs asks you next to take her kids ignore and take yours and go out and do something she’ll soon get the point. Tell your “friend” who’s not much of one by the way, to give you what you feel you are owed and then cut her out she’s a user

christinarossetti · 12/10/2017 13:52

You had her three children for a week and she gave you £20?

You can't let this go, not only for the principle, but actually that's taking money from your children, not to mention having to share their mum for a week.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/10/2017 13:53

"NDN, please do share your shopping tips with me as I am amazed you are able to feed three growing children on £20 a week?! How DO you do it?"

"Oh, you spend more than that? That's interesting..."

user1471596238 · 12/10/2017 13:54

That has to be one of the biggest piss takes ever. You sound way too nice.

JustDanceAddict · 12/10/2017 13:54

You had someone’s kids for a week and they gave you £20?!?! I occasionally (once a year) ask my childfree best friend to babysit but I do other favours/pay for tickets and I still don’t like to ask!

I think it’s time to say no. To neighbours, friends etc.

IdentityRequest1 · 12/10/2017 13:54

I'm sorry but the £20 followed by 'treat yourself' is ridiculous and patronising. Text her back! Say that treating yourself is off the cards for a long time as you're out of pocket from feeding and entertaining 3 extra kids. She must know how much her kids cost to feed. Break down the costs very clearly to her and say how disappointed you are that she'd take advantage like that.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 12/10/2017 13:54

You're a mug, OP.

You need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

Just say no.

EditionMama · 12/10/2017 13:55

Please start saying no OP.
I’ve been through it too, my SIL took advantage of me not working and assumed I’d have my DN during school holidays.. without even asking me. After 4 continuous days of DN sleeping at my house (yes, she didn’t even collect him in the evenings), I refused to do it anymore. Spent well over £40 on dinners, snacks and activities (SIL said DN wanted to do) for DN in those days, and didn’t get a penny back.

CheesyWeez · 12/10/2017 14:00

I agree with Mummyoflittledragon, why not look into training to be a real childminder? You seem to enjoy the actual work.
Then you can just decide that you only work on certain days, and you're not allowed to exceed a certain number of children, and you're not insured for ones who aren't paying etc.
You also will get used to people paying you for it and see that other people, (not CFs) pay up for their childcare.

HolyShet · 12/10/2017 14:02

Neighbour is easy to fix, just fob off the next 6 times or until she gets the message - ah - no can do, sorry got plans, no details, no explanation no apology.

I'd happily help neighbours or friends out on occasion, but not repeatedly

Re so-called friend. I'd call her and be upfront. Work out what it cost to feed them and entertainments costs - prep a breakdown if necessary. As you are on benefits I'd be careful about being paid for your time (nto sure you can legally be anyway if not a childminder) but just say sorry it cost X to look after your children please let me have the rest. It is kind of your fault for not agreeing a specific sum in advance. If she is any kind of friend she'll pay up. She knows she's taking the piss.

Nickmychocolate · 12/10/2017 14:05

so what you gonna do?

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 12/10/2017 14:12

They use you because you're a mug, you never say no or ask to be paid. The treat yourself comment shows how little respect she has got for you. It has nothing to do with "thinking you are amazing and wanting that for their children", son't be so naive.

I agree you should look into becoming a childminder if you enjoy looking after children.

StarUtopia · 12/10/2017 14:13

You must text her back. Plenty of good answers already suggested on here.

I would go with the haha £20, you must have missed off the zero. Seriously, when are you transferring the rest of the money to me please? It's going to be XX made up of blah blah blah.

I highly doubt you're going to get any more money out of this woman, but you MUST SAY NO. When she gets back, let her know in no uncertain terms you're not insured and you're not a childminder. Say that you're looking into becoming a childminder - it will be £40 per day per child. that's daytime. Nightime obviously more. Would she like to back date her payments?

Cheeky cow. I'm fuming on your behalf!

Gemini69 · 12/10/2017 14:17

stand in front of the mirror and start saying No I have other plans... and do not explain yourself.. no excuses... just a simple NO Flowers

KatharinaRosalie · 12/10/2017 14:18

OP stop being a mug. Text the pisstaker friend what RunRabbit said.

Topseyt · 12/10/2017 14:19

Another joining the chorus of "stop being a mug". Say no! Tell your neighbour that you can no longer collect her children. Mean it. They are her responsibility, not yours.

What is going to happen when your kids have something that they want to go to but you say no to them because you didn't have the backbone to say no to your piss taker of a neighbour? They would miss out due to you being such a doormat.

As for your "friend" who didn't pay you for caring for her three children for a week!!! Words fail me. Ask her where the rest of it is. Pronto. If she gives you no response or is arsey about it then cut her off because you will know for sure then that she is no friend really.

Of course it is good to be nice to people, but you are being nice to the extent of letting them walk all over you. Start drawing the line more. Say no and mean it.