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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 13/10/2017 10:24

Using fake concern is an appalling tactic to try and make you doubt yourself and back down, the fact that she would do this over something that is so blatantly "she is trying to take the piss" up to and including trying to leverage your mum and gran into is as well shows her to be a horrific woman and someone you should not hesitate to tell "pay up and then go to hell".

That said, there is a bit of a "rescue me" martyr undertone coming through in a lot of your messages
"The friend is a bit harder. I think I'm going to write off about £100. And think hard about how that could have gone on my kids Xmas present. And look at her Facebook on Xmas day and see her boasting about what she's given each child and let it remind me to never be so blinking stupid again. Serves me right. While their having turkey, lobster or whatever I should be having dry crackers. £100 could really have given my kids a good Xmas, but I've blown it all on her kids."

That kind of attitude and thinking attracts "rescuers" like your ex and possibly your friend as well, and they tend to only be happy when the person to be rescued is weak and "needs rescuing". These people will often sabotage any progress towards becoming more confident and independent because that doesnt allow them to be the white knight they want to be, a knight needs a pitiable princess to rescue, they dont want the princess to just sort it all herself!

I think its worth reading the post above and thinking about whether if someone else said that, you wouldnt think "err, just ask for the money you are owed and then your kids wont be sad then!"

Mix56 · 13/10/2017 10:27

don't look after other people's children for money especially as you are on benefits as you could find yourself with more hassle than just being out of pocket a few quid.
The money involved here is repayment for food/tickets, OP has not said she does any of this for a benefit, on the contrary the benefit is for the others.
Family & friends are always looking after, & helping each other out reciprocally that's the theory , this is not a child minding business

HanutaQueen · 13/10/2017 10:49

Just RTFT. I think that you did awesomely.

This woman isn't a friend.

Friends don't treat each other like that. They just don't. What you are mourning is the loss of what you thought it was, not what it really was. You have seen what she's really like and you have said 'enough'. That takes courage and if you didn't have it in you, you wouldn't have done it even with 100 pages of mumsnetters sending you texts to send her.

It takes guts to stand up to people. They get away with it because they think that you will continue being polite and not wanting to cause a fuss.

Bunkai · 13/10/2017 11:16

There's one more thing to do Clueless. Contact your mutual friends and explain what has happened. Don't gloss over it and send them the texts if need be.

From my own experience it's highly likely that your 'friend ' will go round your mutual friends with her version of the story. The aim will be to isolate you and bring you back to heel. So go contact them now, don't put off, the drama is still unfolding around you.

Flowers
StormTreader · 13/10/2017 11:23

I agree with Bunkai, and do it quickly. Studies have shown that people tend to believe the first version they hear of an event, you want that to be yours.

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2017 11:39

Tbh I think she's done you a favour by ending the "friendship" cheeky cow!

Atleast you don't have to worry about anymore child care :)

Well done OP!

Jux · 13/10/2017 12:05

Yes, indeed. Do what Bunkai suggests. You need to get your pov known and out there.

dustarr73 · 13/10/2017 12:56

Did you get the cheque op?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2017 13:11

If she's done this to you, she's no doubt been a CF with other people. Get the word out. People will easily believe you. In fact finding those who take your side is a good way to make new non-CF friends.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2017 13:14

Have you managed to avoid the CF neighbour too?

You are on the way back to being your old strong self.

These CF will fade away as you grow back to full strength. Their space will be filled with the kinds of people you would want to be friends with.

Appuskidu · 13/10/2017 13:44

Have they given you a cheque?

BlueSapp · 13/10/2017 14:46

Bumping in antisipation of an update

Gemini69 · 13/10/2017 15:56

You've found your inner Strength.. YOU found that with the support of this page.. it's doesn't disappear .. it's always there when you need it.. just like this page... Flowers unless you asked for it to be deleted of course.. Grin

Clueless1315 · 13/10/2017 18:52

My neighbour was cool to me when she saw me this morning, we still exchanged greetings but at nursery pick up I noticed she had an older man and woman pick up her child. I'm glad she didn't ask me as it probably would have been the straw that broke the camels back.

I did text her husband and provided him with receipt screenshots. I haven't heard from him yet but he does work long hours.

I'm feeling so much better now. The thing is without these cheeky ppl in my life I'll have more money, a cleaner home, less running around and more time for my kids. They were the ones who needed me. They can find someone else to use and sadly I'm sure they will.

Your support has been great! What a great bunch you guys are! X

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 13/10/2017 19:06

So your brass neck neighbour is being cool.. she has taken the utter piss.. so let her strop all she likes OP.. Grin

this is about YOU now.. you do whatever you need to do to keep your MH in tip top condition ... you fought your own Corner... and stood your ground... keep at it Flowers

KenBarlow · 13/10/2017 19:17

I’m SO happy for you OP. You’ve stood up for yourself and shown these people you’re not a door mat.

I hope he sends you pledge money, plus a little extra for your hassle! It’d be nice Grin

TheQueenOfWands · 13/10/2017 19:19
YouTheCat · 13/10/2017 19:29

Never again will you be blighted by cheeky fuckers.

hollie11 · 13/10/2017 19:54

Congratulations, it's hard standing up for yourself when you are the sort of person who likes doesn't like confrontation and wants to keep the peace. You are now showing these people that you will not let people mug you off.....good for you! Stay strong op

chickenowner · 13/10/2017 19:57

I am speechless at your 'friend's' reaction. How dare she suggest that you have MH problems just because you won't let her walk all over you!!

I agree about letting any mutual friends know asap.

And well done!!

diddl · 13/10/2017 19:58

I had to laugh at "Nan being deployed"

OP if your friend really is a friend she'll realise that she's totally wrong & apologise.

£100 sounds OK. to me-£50 for food, £50 for trips?

I wouldn't charge for actually looking after the kids-that would be the favour iyswim, but I wouldn't expect have to pay to feed/entertain them.

MidniteScribbler · 13/10/2017 20:48

I'm feeling so much better now. The thing is without these cheeky ppl in my life I'll have more money, a cleaner home, less running around and more time for my kids. They were the ones who needed me. They can find someone else to use and sadly I'm sure they will.

And this is how you have to think about it. I'm in the process of having a life clean out, and anyone who doesn't add value to my life in some way is being gradually cut out. The further I go, the better I feel. These people aren't your friends, they are using you, and as you have seen, the minute you stop being useful to them, they quickly start to show their true colours. Better off without them.

soothers · 13/10/2017 21:13

Outrageous behaviour! She sounds pretty callous. SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

soothers · 13/10/2017 21:25

The 'friend' sounds unhinged and a gas lighter....

Glad you're free of the freeloaders now!

Dannygirl · 13/10/2017 21:44

OP you were awesome! Your ex friend is a disgrace. I can tell you for a fact a nanny would charge £200+ per 24 hours PLUS expenses to look after 2 kids. Your ex friend is massively taking the p*. You're SO much better off without them in your life xx