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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
Delilah21D00LoT · 12/10/2017 14:19

I'm sorry that you have been taken advantage of OP, but you know yourself that you have to say NO - loudly, clearly and firmly.

People will only take advantage if they are allowed to.

I'm sure you know the saying 'Give them an inch and they'll take a mile'? It's very true.

Also, your friend, who only gave you £20 - she gave you that because, quite simply, she didn't want to pay you any more than that (slave labour and all that) and because 'No fixed Sum/agreement' was set up before the event. She's taken you for a ride and she does not value or appreciate you.

You have to say NO to these people. They are NOT your 'friends' and they 'using you' and you are enabling them to do that.

Are you afraid to say No to them? What would be the worst thing that could happen?

SAY NO.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/10/2017 14:20

They see how wonderful you are with kids and want to jump on the bandwagon? That’s quite a strange take on it... Far more likely that they see you as a soft touch, as indeed you’ve proven yourself to be.

eddielizzard · 12/10/2017 14:20

no.

no no no no no no no no nono nonononononononononon.

practice saying it all day long.

lalaloopyhead · 12/10/2017 14:24

I think your friend is the worst offender here, you looked after her 3 kids for a week and all she gave you was £20?? No gift from Paris, no wine/chocolates/bunch of flowers aswell?? Bloody hell, having someone's kids for an entire week deserves lifelong gratefulness if you ask me!!
I think I would be tempted to say something to her, I think I would be quite hurt in this scenario. Your friend needs to know this is not on, and lets face it do you want the friendship to continue if this is how she treats you?

The neighbour is a cheeky/lazy mare too, or may not realise her imposition - either way just say you are unable to do the pick ups anymore.

TeeBee · 12/10/2017 14:25

If your neighbour asks again and you are finding it difficult to tell her to do one, would it be easier to say ‘I’m afraid I’m not taking anyone’s children anymore. There were a few people taking advantage of my time/finances so I’ve instigated a blanket ban’. Personally, I’d just tell her no but if you find that difficult, this will get you out of it without having to blame her directly (but hopefully she would get the message).

DistanceCall · 12/10/2017 14:31

You're being taken advantage of. And you're allowing it.

Well I need to grow some balls and stop moaning but it's so hard

Something that works for me in these cases is thinking that I can feel whatever I like, but I need to do it. It doesn't matter that you find it hard - you're still allowed to feel bad - but do it nonetheless.

PersianCatLady · 12/10/2017 14:39

I thought that you weren't allowed to look after other people's children in your own home for money unless you were a registered CM??

2014newme · 12/10/2017 14:41

Persiancatlady you are correct. Another reason to 2nd this arrangement

PersianCatLady · 12/10/2017 14:44

Persiancatlady you are correct
Thank you.

If I were the OP I would say no going forward but not ask for any money for past favours.

The neighbour could pay the OP and then report her for CM'ing without registration and working whilst claiming benefits.

The neighbour isn't stupid, she has got the OP over a barrel.

AuntieFester · 12/10/2017 14:50

OP,
If you are good with kids, have you thought of registering as a childminder? You will have a house full of kids but at least you'll get paid for it.
Not sure about legislation re childminding but looking after someone else's kids for a whole week sounds a bit beyond the occasional babysitting/favour to friend.
You could also say to your CF friend, you are registering as a childminder and don't have time for her kids as you are doing a course or something. As soon as she hears you'll be childminding officially she'll realize you are going to charge and won't ask you again.
Best of luck

Majormanner · 12/10/2017 14:50

you are being used, but you are allowing it

dustarr73 · 12/10/2017 14:52

The first time you say No, is hard.But after that's it's liberati g.

I'd be more upset with the£ 20, she's supposed to be a friends

cherryontopp · 12/10/2017 14:56

They are taking the piss that's for sure.

If it's more the money issue rather than do the actual child minding, then start giving them am exact figure of you looking after them.
It could give you some extra cash if you are not working.
Give a figure for pick ups and taking them to yours. Then another figure per night. The moment they don't keep to this, You don't look after them again.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 12/10/2017 15:03

Send this:
I had your children for 7 days, day and night. The sitters rate is 7.5 pounds an hour or 180 pounds a day. While I was not expecting you to pay me 900 pounds, 20 was not what I had in mind either!!

I was beginning to feel put upon, picking your children up from school three days a week and looking after them for three hours, but I figured this is what neighbours do and maybe one day, when I need help, you will be there. When you mentioned paying me to have the children while you were away, I thought, great, I could do with the cash..

I hope you reconsider or things will be very awkward indeed..

category12 · 12/10/2017 15:04

Wow you're surrounded by CFs.

OhHolyJesus · 12/10/2017 15:05

Add up the cost of feeding her kids and invoice her, minus the £20 she has deposited. Include all the activities and your hourly amount (you can find out online what a childminder would charge in your area) and email and post a hard copy. Do the same with your neighbour. No apologies or further explanation, just make it all clear on the ‘invoice’.

Don’t be a walkover - I suspect these CFs recognise how hard you find confrontation and are taking advantage of that.

I heard it from MN and I love those phrase ‘No is a complete sentence’.

You have been treated outrageously but I’m afraid only you can stop it from happening again. At the very least you should be reimbursed for the much needed money you have spent on their children.

BanyanTree · 12/10/2017 15:07

I know lots of people who are lovely and end up being a mug and walked over by other people. I am also guilty of not being able to say no.

If it was me I would try and say something like "I'm really sorry but I've seem to have ended up looking after 8 children from 3 different friends and it is costing me a fortune and means I have no time with my own children. I can't carry on like this so I am going to have to say no. Sorry about that."

category12 · 12/10/2017 15:08

"Seriously, you've given me £20 for looking after your dc for a week?"

Lunde · 12/10/2017 15:10

Say no and mean it. This neighbour is a CF - enjoying childcare and a childfree luxury break without having to pay a penny in childcare. She is making you into an illegal childminder.

TakeMe2Insanity · 12/10/2017 15:11

Forgivenessisdivine's post, just copy and email/text.

To the neighbour: No.

troodiedoo · 12/10/2017 15:11

This has got to stop OP. Practice saying no politely but firmly and mean it. Visualise what's the worst that could happen? They won't ask again. They'll be upset? Anyone being upset by not being able to take advantage of you is not a friend, they are a CF.

The good news is, the more you say it, the easier it will get. Good luck.

pallisers · 12/10/2017 15:13

Text back to your friend saying "buy myself something nice! I'll be using it to replace some of the food your children ate. By the way, I'm planning a weekend away in the next month or so, presume it will be fine for you to take my kids"

That 20 is an insult. Even a present from PAris would be less insulting. Don't ever do that again for her.

Just say no to your neighbour. Next time you get a text say no can't do that. Just no - no explanations no apologies. Just no. She'll soon move onto some other mug.

Spudlet · 12/10/2017 15:14

£20 for a week?! I pay £20 for three hours - for one child!

Come on op, you are worth more than this. Stop letting people walk all over you! Saying no to this will be the most liberating thing you ever do, I tell you!

category12 · 12/10/2017 15:15

Your friend is not your friend - she's a user. Your neighbour too.

Since you're obviously really great with dc, how about actually taking up child-minding? Smile But you will need some assertiveness training to manage the parents.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/10/2017 15:20

tell your neighbour no and thats its illegal for yu to have them as you arent a registered cm

friend, big piss take !!! she isnt a friend

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