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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not like how we're doing Christmas this year?

384 replies

BlueButTrue · 11/10/2017 20:38

SIL (I think was the first time announce it, can't remember), has said we aren't getting each other's children presents this year (so nieces and nephews).

MIL announced that there will be no Christmas dinner, just 'picky bits' Confused

I've never known a Christmas like it.

I told my own DM what's going on and she said "well aren't you a bit put out, you always spent a fortune on their children every year yet now you'll have your own baby this year, he won't be getting anything?"

My answer was no, I'm fine with it, because I hate tat and don't like clutter/things I dislike in my house Grin

The Christmas dinner thing is always really bothering me.

AIBU to suggest to the family that instead of no presents for each other's children, we see a strict spending limit for each child and have to stick to it? So maybe £10 a child or something and that's strictly it so no one feels embarrassed?

The no present thing is more because BIL and wife, and SIL can't really afford to this year. But we aren't loaded either, and I always manage it easily - I buy well in advance and look out for offers.

Would you be happy with no Christmas dinner and no present sharing?

OP posts:
WritingHome · 14/10/2017 12:12

I have only read the first couple of pages but just wanted to suggest what we have done on the years we have been invited to travel is have our own full christmas dinner the day after at home, in our own house. Just the 3 of us and it is BLISS! I get through the visit with a smile on my face because in my mind it is not 'real' christmas - that is waiting for us at home.

We set the table properly, have starters, turkey (small one) baked ham, all the sides and sherry trifle for dessert. And we have loads of leftovers for sandwiches etc which we LOVE.

It's win win and a very relaxed way to do it...

MexicanBob · 14/10/2017 13:28

Sounds great to me. I hate the traditional Xmas dinner.

Laserbird16 · 14/10/2017 14:19

Your DH is refusing to stay over? That's very selfish. Does he realise your mum will have a 4 hour drive and cook dinner on Christmas Day? Plus that's a lot of travel for a small baby. If he won't compromise by staying maybe he just gets an uber home and you stay with your family and come back the following day? Not ideal for baby's first Christmas but if he is causing the problem he should be the one who suffers the consequences of his rather rigid demands.

PissedOffNeighbour · 14/10/2017 15:37

Wow you sound so entitled Hmm. I hope you help out at your mum's and take some of the food/wine with you. What a selfish twat your DH is being by not staying at your grandmother's and thus making your mum drive for 4 hours on Christmas Day.

Witsender · 14/10/2017 16:00

Seriously, by the way you speak you have been press ganged into going to the In Laws for years, forced to buy presents while they cook for you.

Yet on discussion it has only been two years?! 😂 You are making a massive deal out of nothing.

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 16:37

"Wow you sound so entitled hmm. I hope you help out at your mum's and take some of the food/wine with you."

Everyone is entitled to the Christmas dinner that they want.

I don't know a Nan that wouldn't love their Newborn Grandchild to spend it with them and would be happy to ask nothing of their DD, who has just had a baby. That is in families that work as they should, that is, not the dysfunctional set ups you see on here, though.

OP, as said your DH is being incredibly selfish. You can't allow your Mum to do that drive, if she doesn't have to. However, personally there have been Christmases when I would have killed for a two hour break from everyone.

You need to tell your DH that you need to make time for both families, once your baby is here and he will just have to get over it not being what he wants all of the time.

If not, go on your own. This year is the perfect time to go to your Mums because your baby is portable and doesn't need presents hauling with you.

PissedOffNeighbour · 14/10/2017 17:01

Agree that everyone is entitled to the Christmas dinner they want, but not to expect everyone else to do all of the work and go to all of the expense!

Since having DC we have spent 14 out of the last 15 christmases at home hosting friends and family. That way we can ensure that we have the Christmas we want with the best Christmas dinner how we like it 🎄🎄

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:36

But the OP cannot do that, so is going were she is wanted,at her Mums, who is happy for her to just turn up(as I am with my Adult DDs).

If anything the OP is complaining because she is being told to not spend money on others.

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 14/10/2017 19:42

there should be Xmas presents for a children and a Xmas dinner!! no presents for adults as it's not about us it's about the kids

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 14/10/2017 21:46

I don't understand why so many are saying the husband is being selfish for not wanting to stay over. He has been clear that his preferred Christmas is in his own home, not at his family OR at his ILs. The fact that he has agreed to go to his MIL is a compromise. I also dont understand why he should be embarrassed at not driving. OP has already indicated that a reason for this could be the expense. Driving lessons are expensive and it's entirely possible that as a family they couldn't afford it before. Not everybody learns as a teenager - I was in my thirties before I could do it and both dcs had to wait until they could afford it.
Instead of keeping on making excuses, the op should just come right out and admit that she doesn't care what her husband wants, or her ILs, SHE wants to go to her mum's and as far as she is concerned, her wishes are the only ones that count.

Samesituation · 14/10/2017 22:08

OP why don't you consider spending Christmas Eve with DH family, and going to your mum's Christmas Day. With the money you save on presents can you not stay overnight in a hotel or something near your mum's. That way you and DH have a retreat if it's too much for your DH. Your mum doesnt spend all Christmas Day driving and she can take you home on boxing day - where you can be just the 3 of you. Or vice versa have a family day on Christmas eve and go to DH family on boxing day.

Daddystepdaddy · 15/10/2017 00:01

If you don't like it you don't have to be there, remember that.

Not buying pressies for kids is odd and a bit mean. My family have run a 'secret Santa' for the adults to keep costs down but we always buy all the kids presents.

caringcarer · 15/10/2017 01:12

Why not suggest them coming to you for Xmas dinner and have picky bits buffet on Boxing day at mil house.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2017 01:21

But DH point blank refuses to stay over at my DNan Christmas Eve.I suppose the best way forward would be to see them all Boxing Day. Not really ideal as I wanted to spend DS's 1st Christmas with her, but what can I do? I can't force DH

Yet he is forcing you into doing things his way or not at all Hmm
Why the fuck can't your husband make a bloody effort for you?

You're married to a selfish and manipulative fucker op.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2017 01:23

I suggest you spend xmas day with your mum and leave him to it.
Stop pandering to this man-child....you'll end up in an abusive dynamic if you're not already.....

Original poster
BlueButTrue · 15/10/2017 10:25

Yet he is forcing you into doing things his way or not at all **
Why the fuck can't your husband make a bloody effort for you?

You're married to a selfish and manipulative fucker op

But in the same way, why should he go along with what I want and not have his Christmas at home where he's most comfortable/thinks it'll be most relaxed?

I'm desolate to get DS round my mum's on the day because they make a huge deal of Christmas and I like that sort of thing.

But that's all about what I want, not DH

Why does he have to do everything I want?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueButTrue · 15/10/2017 10:26

*desperate

OP posts:
DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 11:06

I vote for Christmas at your mum's and for you to stay over (on Christmas night) in order to spare her the chore of having two long drives in one day. Your mother drives you home on Boxing day and you scoot to MIL for Boxing day lunch time or early tea time.
I think your DH should suck it up because you've just had a baby and it would be better for you at your own mother's at Christmas. And because for him to have his own way (not staying over) then your DM has 2 mammoth drives on top of hosting Christmas.
Your wishes trump his IMO because:

  1. You've just had a baby
  2. He hasn't be bothered to learn to drive (deeply unattractive trait in an otherwise capable adult male imo- expect to be flamed but don't care)
  3. Not staying over is unreasonably burdensome on your mother.

I believe it's likely I would die from cringing at the thought of my DH expecting my DM to ferry him and back and forth such a distance twice on Christmas day when that could be avoided by him just agreeing to stay over.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 11:10

And I've lunched on Boxing day with people who think it's OK to eat picnic food on Christmas day and then have a "Christmas Dinner" the next day at a pub. It was the most disappointing and miserable Christmas lunch I've ever had, and that includes all the hospital canteen ones I've had.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 15/10/2017 11:11

Since DS we always spend Christmas Day just us, my family Boxing Day and DH family NYE. Seems to stop any arguments. I think once you have kids it's really important to work out what both partners are happy with (which will prob mean compromises both side) establish a pattern and stick to it

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 11:16

Iwanttobe8stoneagain
Yes good point.
and great username

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 11:28

OK, just RTFT and I think your DH is behaving badly
If, at the front end he had suggested a CHristmas at home with the three of you and him trying his hand at the festive fare then that would be reasonable but it sounds like he's just being stubborn about going to your mums.
Exactly how terrible are these siblings of yours?

gamerchick · 15/10/2017 11:34

But in the same way, why should he go along with what I want and not have his Christmas at home where he's most comfortable/thinks it'll be most relaxed?

I haven’t gone back through the thread but I’m sure it’s your turn though. Or am I misremembering and you got to choose last year?

Tbh I don’t see why you can’t just split up for the day and go to your respective families. Do your own thing on Boxing Day. But it’s up to you, it’s your Christmas.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 11:36

yes I think it's OP's mum's turn Gamerchick (I did go back though the thread Blush

Booie09 · 15/10/2017 14:21

Changing my opinion having read your replies! Say to him you are going to be staying over at your mum's Christmas and it's up to him to choose if he wants to spend your baby's 1st Christmas together.

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