To not like how we're doing Christmas this year?

[BlueButTrue]

SIL (I think was the first time announce it, can't remember), has said we aren't getting each other's children presents this year (so nieces and nephews).

MIL announced that there will be no Christmas dinner, just 'picky bits'

I've never known a Christmas like it.

I told my own DM what's going on and she said "well aren't you a bit put out, you always spent a fortune on their children every year yet now you'll have your own baby this year, he won't be getting anything?"

My answer was no, I'm fine with it, because I hate tat and don't like clutter/things I dislike in my house

The Christmas dinner thing is always really bothering me.

AIBU to suggest to the family that instead of no presents for each other's children, we see a strict spending limit for each child and have to stick to it? So maybe £10 a child or something and that's strictly it so no one feels embarrassed?

The no present thing is more because BIL and wife, and SIL can't really afford to this year. But we aren't loaded either, and I always manage it easily - I buy well in advance and look out for offers.

Would you be happy with no Christmas dinner and no present sharing?

The OP has already said that she has not spent more Christmases with her in-laws so it's not as if her own mother never sees them.

Presumably you have done more Christmases with ILs as you have been able to get yourselves there?

Not true, in all honesty. But was handy just being 10 minutes away

OP, I'm glad that you have agreed to stay home next year because I know that is what your DH wants - his own family Christmas. I have a widowed step-relative who regrets never having their own family Christmas as their partner always wanted to go to their parents for the day.

grazie they've only known me for two Christmas times

As previously said, we can't really have anyone here with me/DH hosting since 1. We will have a tiny newborn and we don't know how things will be and 2. We honestly don't have anywhere near the room.

To be honest with a new born your going to be knackered but guess what your just going to have to get on with it! Your mum on law obvs has had enough of cooking Xmas dinner! Either go along with it or make other arrangements. Your a adult just bloody get on with it.

Boo You really don't come across as very nice

Yes of course I'm going to be tired. If you bothered reading my updates, we've made arrangements now

Sorry if i don't come across as "nice" at the end of the day why waste money on things you don't really need and if you want a Xmas dinner make it yourself!

So you've only actually previously bought two lots of gifts for dns? Hardly 'always' . If you've only known the two Christmases, and you've not spent more Christmases with them, then it's been once with ils and once with yours?

I'm wondering if ils decision RE the style of lunch was intended to make it easier for you with a newborn? A buffet means that if baby needs attention, you are not going to come back to a cold dinner or a dried up reheated one.

All I'm thinking is what crap christmas your mother is going to have with all that traveling, plus, I presume, cooking the dinner. If you live an hour away, she's going to be driving for 4 hours. Is there really no room for your family to come over just for the meal even???

I haven't RTFT but you could stay at home and your mum could come to YOU. She and your DH could cook you a lovely Christmas dinner and you can enjoy giving gifts to your little brothers and sisters.

If your home is too small, an hours drive away is nothing. I think your DH is using that as an excuse to go to his mums, who as you say already has 4 grandchildren. I also think that after just giving birth, you'll be happier and more comfortable at your own mums.

It won't be Christmas without a Christmas dinner and combined with not being allowed to give gifts to your nephews and nieces I think they're planning a more understated Christmas and you might regret spending your little boys first ever Christmas in such a bah humbug atmosphere.

Sorry, I've just read the updates.

I'm really happy you're seeing your mum, that's fantastic for her.

I do wonder though if you could find a way to stay over (air bed for DH maybe) just to allow your mum to split the driving.

But whether you stay or not, I'm happy for your mum and I know you'll feel more comfortable at her house - great choice. She sounds lovely

YellowMakesMeSmile

The no presents wouldn't bother me and I would still buy for my nieces and nephews as I don't give to receive

Yellow, OP has already explained that she doesn't want presents because she hates clutter ... She WANTS to give some to her nieces/nephews because she enjoys buying them! She doesn't give to receive either!

I don't want to sound terrible.
And maybe I'm just really lucky, but I've got a 10 week old and I don't think cooking a glorified Sunday dinner would be all that difficult tbh. It's just stuff you put in the oven and leave for a few hours.
I know you've now made plans, but it is a bit nasty to come online and spend days complaining about the prospect of picky bits when you are not (and it seems in the past was not) prepared to do anything to help. You say MIL and SIL cook and prepare the whole meal, they have it at SIL house so your MIL doesn't have to deal with the mess, that MIL pays for all the food. Seems like everyone's contributing in some way but you and your husband tbh, I'm not surprised they can't be arsed. If you want something in life, even something as unimportant as a Christmas dinner, you should be prepared to do it yourself, not expect everyone else to bend over to your demands.
It all sounds very self entitled to expect other people to cook something you want, when they don't want to, and you yourself have admitted you cba to cook. Again, take the fact you have a baby away from the scenario, it doesn't sound like you or your husband did a great deal to help out during previous years without a baby, it just sounds like youre using the LO as an excuse.

The presents thing is fair enough but I would stand up for the Christmas dinner! Could you host it? It sounds like money is an issue.

I just have to say, their struggling for cash and yours historic budget are not comparable. If they cannot afford gifts for others, they cannot. And please, if you want to continue to buy for their kids, do not burst in with the ‘look what Santa left at ours’ bollocks. Not unless you actually went to strain the relationship.

why can't you just ask taxi man to pull over whilst you pop out a boob?

Get yourself some good, discrete breast feeding tops and a sling and it will be a lot easier. I fed my DD walking around a shop and people didn't even notice.

When she was 6 weeks old we flew to visit my ILs and had a 5 hour drive from the airport. That was a hell of an experience and I wouldn't recommend it, DD was fed in a moving vehicle on several occasions. We never go for Christmas- mostly due to expense and weather and the fact that my DH didn't want to take small children anywhere near a busy airport at that time of year.
We stopped exchanging presents with them at Christmas because SILs all agreed it was getting too complicated. We had tried a £15 secret Santa for a couple of years as everyone was broke and it's a big family. Now we just exchange presents when we see each other, whatever time of year.

Definitely both learn to drive, even if you have to get a friend to take you out to practice, it makes life so much easier if you have that option.

Good luck, hope it all goes well.

why can't you just ask taxi man to pull over whilst you pop out a boob?

Get yourself some good, discrete breast feeding tops and a sling and it will be a lot easier. I fed my DD walking around a shop and people didn't even notice

That's great for you (really it is), but I may not be comfortable doing this at all at this stage, and that's okay too. I may well be, don't get me wrong, but if I'm not then I won't force it

Snork I so agree, DNan has even offered to have us at her house on Christmas Eve night and then my mum will pick us all up by DH is point blank refusing, which is annoying because it'd make life so much easier for my mum

littlenic
DD was fed in a moving vehicle on several occasions
Not sure if you mean breastfeeding but if you do, that's really dangerous.

Staying over Christmas Eve sounds like a good plan, your DH sounds quite selfish refusing. Your DM would have 4 hours driving Christmas Day, plus cooking dinner and looking after her own DC, etc.

BluButTrue
You are exhausting me just reading all your negative responses. Seriously, you cannot expect your mum to pick you up.....even from your Nans....on Xmas day. Get an Uber. Offer to take the Christmas pud, chocolates, wine. Ask for driving lessons for a xmas gift. Act like a grown up.

I hope my adult children don't still expect me to drive them round and cook for them when they have left home.

I suspect the baby will be used as an excuse for many things when it arrives and both grandparents will end up doing a whole lot of it.

I hope my adult children don't still expect me to drive them round and cook for them when they have left home

I suspect the baby will be used as an excuse for many things when it arrives and both grandparents will end up doing a whole lot of it

And

You are exhausting me just reading all your negative responses. Seriously, you cannot expect your mum to pick you up.....even from your Nans....on Xmas day. Get an Uber. Offer to take the Christmas pud, chocolates, wine. Ask for driving lessons for a xmas gift. Act like a grown up

Not sure how many times I've said this now, but my DM is jumping off of her feet trying to get me to agree to her driving me to and from so she can spend Christmas with us. No one expected or demanded. It wasn't even requested.

Furthermore, I have already said I can't drive and DH isn't going to ask for driving lessons for himself when his family can't even purchase each other's children a present and he wouldn't ask such a thing off of his mum. We as adults don't ask for expensive gifts ffs

Kardash I agree but not sure where to go from here. I think it's just too much (DM picking not only us up but my DNan).

But DH point blank refuses to stay over at my DNan Christmas Eve.

I suppose the best way forward would be to see them all Boxing Day. Not really ideal as I wanted to spend DS's 1st Christmas with her, but what can I do? I can't force DH

Explain to your husband you want to spend this Christmas with your family and next year you can spend it with his! Me and my oh have done this for the last 16 years my mum lives 250 miles away and sometimes thats the last thing he wants to do! Compromise or maybe go to your mum's next year when the baby is a bit more alert and will be more exciting.

I had this as well. I always gave generously to my SIL's 4 children and then one year a dictate went out that no one was to buy presents for the children, we were to buy for the adults instead!! This was most bizarre. I have had years when my children have asked if there's anything for them as they watch adults pass around presents and I've quietly told them that their presents are at home. To be honest, they weren't that bothered and tended to forget once the moment had passed but it was never a pleasant time. I would always get the nieces and nephews a chocolate selection box just so they would have something to open and surprisingly they enjoyed this well into their teens. This was never reciprocated to my children though.
On top of that, I was told I shouldn't bring my halal chicken along any more so I say eating vegetables. My fault for putting up with it for so long. Last year I vowed I'd never do it again and we did our own thing as a family- it was BLISS.

I can understand him not wanting to stay over but he has chosen not to learn to drive and everyone has to compromise sometimes.

If I was your DH, I would feel so embarrassed if I was putting my in laws out like this by refusing to stay over. I can't imagine my DH making my mum drive to pick him up because he wouldn't stay in order to make things easier for her.

Could you maybe get your mum to pick you up and get a taxi home? (You could put the money you save not buying presents towards it). I know you are worried about the feeding situation though with a taxi. You would have to decide if you feel it's worth the stress of a taxi to save your mum taking you both ways. Although it's obviously a shame your DH won't stay over to save you all this stress.

Your mum sounds lovely btw.

We've always had a buffet meal on Xmas day and it works great with small children. No interrupting their play, nobody stuck in kitchen. However that was when it was just our family home for Xmas. If we got together with more family we'd enjoy a proper Xmas dinner.