To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

[Keepingthexmaspeace1]

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

I bet BIL takes the Christmas shifts at work very happily because he knows he won't have to have FIL!

It’s very difficult to omit a parent from festivities. I have the same dilemma with my mother. I wish I were stronger and could tell her to eff off. Problem with her is that she lives too far away for her just to come for the day. She is rude to me, mostly not in earshot of my dh.

I agree with others, best bet this year is to try and split your day. Have him round for an early lunch then drop him home on the way to your family get together. If he asks why he's not invited tell him because he was a pain in the arse last time but don't labour the point unless he asks.

My FIL is also a pain who unintentionally offends people left right and centre and gets more socially inept by the day, I am always relieved when he falls asleep after meals as I never know what he'll say next. My poor MIL is often mortified and has to tell him off, I do wonder if it's the start of some kind of dementia. This will sound awful but I hope to god she doesn't die before him because he'd be useless alone and we'd be stuck with him. That said, the kids adore him and he's my husband's dad. There's no way on earth I would let him (or any other relative) be alone on Christmas Day.

I bet BIL takes the Christmas shifts at work very happily because he knows he won't have to have FIL!

Apart from the fact he is in the police and OP says he often does the shifts so that those with DC can have the to.e off.

*time off

Why not just talk to FIL and explain in polite but firm terms that you find his words cutting and upsetting and you’d love to have him for Christmas if he wants to be there, but he has to embrace the Christmas spirit and be kind and respectful to your other guests - and if he can’t do that it’s unlikely he’ll get an invitation next year.
I wouldn’t tell him others have complained because he’ll think that the whole world is against him, but tell him that you’ve overheard what he’s said to them and if someone said those things to you you’d be really upset....and it embarrasses you.

TBH if my dad hadn’t died 8 years ago I’d have thought you were MY SIL!
My dad was a brilliant father, granddad and great grandad, but not everyone got his ‘humour’ and he’d have said most of those things out of love for his departed wife, my mum, and his loyalty to his own brood, and expected people to chuckle.
I’d rope the DH in on the conversation too, he must accept some responsibility that it’s gone on so long.

None of the above - just don't invite him.

Also, if I was a member of your family and had to endure this for 7 years, I would start to resent YOU for allowing this to happen and enabling his behaviour

Look, his is old and alone and he is actually good with children. You obviously don't want him to be alone at Christmas (the same as some of your family), so invite him for the meal which has the most children and nothing else.

There is noway you have to do anything to accommodate this nasty man, he deserves being alone, mabey it will do him good. If your dh is so concerned about him being alone, he can go for lunch with him or visit his house by himself.

Do you ALWAYS spend Christmas at your extended family's house? It reads as if you have always done that and it is non-negotiable.
Have you ever hosted or had a Christmas just with your own family i.e. your husband and children.
Why not have Christmas day at home and invite FIL to yours and then go to your parents/grandparents on Boxing day.

Mother-in-law is the same. Bloody rude and says things with no thought for others. My mum cooked a roast lamb dinner one visit and MIL said ‘I don’t eat lamb’ in a hoity toity way (she is by no means posh). No previous knowledge of this. She said my daughter was not pretty and when I made it clear this was offensive for ever after calls her ‘gorgeous’ some older people are just bloody horrible and rude and don’t mind being overt about it.

Ps she said this about the roast dinner just as it was being served . We no longer see her often and when we do she still manages a few unpleasantries.

But it's christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!............... He's faaaamily!!!!!!!!!!!.......... you should suck it up as he's old, and the kids adoooooooooooooooore him and he'll be allllllllllllll aloooooooooooooooone!!!!!!!!

And I wonder why people fucking HATE christmas. Why is it any different to any other day?

I think you're taking him far too seriously. Look, you know he is going to come out with this shit - laugh at him. Maybe it's a crude attempt at banter, answer him back! This is your husband's father and I don't think it's fair to expect him to leave his dad all alone on Christmas Day. Why don't you host Christmas dinner some year actually instead of your nan having to do it every time?

We had a neighbour/family friend who would have argued a black crow was white. My mum invited him for Christmas every year, until he got older and couldn't tolerate the noise of the children, so we plated up his dinner and delivered it to him. It was just his way though - he thought the world of all of us really.

It sounds like your children would enjoy his company for the big day though. Surely to god the adults could suck it up for one day? And detail your DH not to leave his side, so he can intervene if he says anything that offends.

Will you feel ok about it if you don't invite him - or will doubt trouble your day?

I would feel like this. It is difficult.

The solution might be to have an agreement with everyone else that he is never allowed to get away with any nasty comment. If you all chime in and pick up on every time he is nasty - he will start to behave as if your DH is around!

It can even be a sort of family joke - not to take anything he says seriously and but just to laugh him down.

If he's getting more difficult over time, it could be the beginning of dementia or Alzheimer's disease. It happened to my dad and we didn't realize at the time.

The man is rude. What's more, he clearly knows he's being rude, as he won't do it around the OP's DH. Why does everyone else have to tolerate this and ruin their Christmas? It's supposed to be a fun holiday, not an endurance test. If he's not invited this year, maybe he'll learn some manners for next year.

And the OP's DH should have a word with his brother. He needs to share the burden.

Window Song, are you on glue?

Age and gender are not some carte blanche to be so rude and nasty to others without consequences. If Christmas is such a special family event than it should be spent with people you love and cherish. I would not bother with any of the options and stop all contact with this bully and not just at Christmas. OP’s DH can deal with him and keep in contact if he feels obliged. Neither the OP nor her family have that obligation though. That nasty old git is well aware of what he is doing and it makes him all the more loathsome because he does it so calculating. Let his son deal with him alone then. I am constantly bemused just how much people put up with! Life is too short to pander to toxic shitgibbons!

Sounds like my DHs family !! When I met my DH I was a single parent family. When they found out about me they told him “ either dump her or lose us, your blood, we don’t go out with council house, dole dossing single parent.” ( their words,not mine ) I told my DH not to disown his family when I found out about it and he felt he was left with no other option but to choose. He chose ME and my DH has NEVER seen his family for 22 yrs which upsets me but as he quite rightly says, he shouldn’t have been made to choose. Some of his family have come around but he still refuses to acknowledge them. Your DH needs to have a word with his dad WELL BEFORE the time arrives and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated any more. Let him come THIS time and see how he behaves AFTER your DH has had words. If it continues then NEXT time he’ll know why.

I think the fourth option. There is a world of difference in my view with putting up with a difficult relative the year or two after bereavement, and fifteen years on.

Since he gets on so well with the children, one option would be to have him come to yours on Christmas Day, as has been suggested. Then he can entertain the children whilst you get the meal ready.

I find that to be a way to cope with having my DM at our house, and stop her trying to take over in the kitchen, she entertains the DDs and that really makes the day manageable

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Touchymum are you serious! Just because he is family, does not give him carts Blanche to behave like a nasty git. People have been pandering around and being miserable for years because of him, Mabey want a nice happy quiet Christmas, without having to tread on egg shells. Sorry he knows what he is doing, he is sneaky and manipulative! Yiu reap what you sow, Mabey it will do him the world of good for him to be alone this Christmas. Why does Christmas be the day that people have to put up with crap because it's family!

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