To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

[Keepingthexmaspeace1]

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

I wouldn't have him anywhere near tbh, but we have a simple day with just me dh and kids.
Have you ever done this it's brilliant and you don't have to please anyone else only yourselves.
Then spend Xmas eve and Boxing day with other family members.

Your DH wants option 1, it is not up to him if your nan is hosting and your family no longer welcome FIL!
He is not all bad he loves his grandchildren.
His behaviour towards your family the rest of the year is that of a child who can't decide whether he'd rather be the centre of attention or not be there and acts up accordingly.

GummyGoddess has a good option 6.
Why not let DH entertain his dad and you go with the DCs to your family after opening presents?

Option 5 - Inform him that as he's been so unspeakably rude to literally everyone, that nobody wants to have him.

Explain to him that you are sad that he will be alone, but that you won't put up with another second of being spoken to in the way he does with you, that your family don't have to lump it and have been very clear about why he is not welcome in their celebrations at christmas.

Ask HIM what HE is going to do about his behaviour....

Whoops posted too soon! I'd say there's your solution - his other son takes some responsibility.

I can't believe you have inflicted this horrible man on your poor family for years. Why on earth should you all out up with being insulted by this Pratt when you ate doing him a massive favour.

Tell your dh you have had enough and he is not welcome any more.

A quick Xmas eve buffet or something at your house and that's the most I would do. Why the hell should you be worried about him he thinks he is superior to everyone and not to mention the 'men are talking' bollocks.

No wonder neither his other son nor friends want him visiting. Why should you?

Yes BIL never hosts ever, he's a police officer and so always says he's working. He never invites FIL either, or us but FIL doesn't care about that but does massively when it's my family who don't.

This sums him up perfectly, honestly it is exactly how he is - His behaviour towards your family the rest of the year is that of a child who can't decide whether he'd rather be the centre of attention or not be there and acts up accordingly.

I think you should either tell him straight he's not invited because he's an obnoxious twat his comments cause offence, or go for option 3.

Option 4 has strong potential to come back and bite you in the arse when if he decides he won't budge and stays over for Christmas day as well.

Option 1 is not on. He is not welcome and your dh should tell him why.And your dh should be ashamed of himself - so he thinks your family should put up with your fil when he is so rude?!

I agree with Hissy. Tell him that he's not welcome due to his behaviour and put the onus on him to do something about it or eat alone.

I would do option 4.

You can’t take him as he hasn’t been asked this year!!!! You and your dh couldn’t possibly do this or you will find yourself off the guest list too. Beyond rude. If this is your dhs idea the apple hadn’t fallen far enough from the tree! Your nan as the host gets to do the invites not you or your dh!

Get your dh to tell him off and pull him up when he’s rude to you though it’s disgraceful behaviour.

Some people deserve to be on their own at Xmas

Your DH can "invite him anyway" if your DH is hosting and cooking and doing all the work.

If your DH intends going to have Christmas in your DNan's house, then he needs to recognize that HE is a guest there, and that SHE has the right to invite, or indeed decline to invite, whomsoever she wishes. Including your FIL. So option 1 is not an option.

Option 4 is a good compromise - as long as you could be sure that he wouldn't expect to stay at your house and then impose himself on your plans anyway.

I would do option 5, and let him sort himself out - after so many years and so many hurts. But then again, it sounds like DH would not be in favour of that. So option 4 really is the best option, and telling FIL well in advance so he has time to sort himself out for Christmas Day.

And I don't see why you wouldn't be truthful to him about it either. Tell him that he has been too rude and too hurtful on the many occasions when you and your family have invited him to join your family occasions, but that you cannot put up with that rudeness any longer and, as a result, he is no longer invited. Your family want to enjoy the festive season and not have another Christmas ruined by his behavior. But make it clear that it is as a result of his own behavior and actions that he is no longer welcome.

I think that it would be fairer to him to explain why he is not invited. And I think this would best come from your DH.
But it would be really unfair to let him spoil your family's Christmas
So I'd go for Christmas Eve dinner, and a polite but firm explanation that he has offended people and that's why they don't want to spend time with him.

The fact that he is careful not to say these things in front of his son is interesting. It suggests that he knows exactly what he is doing, and is very deliberately causing pain, while hoping to get off scot-free.

The really masterful way of handling this would be to invite him as usual, and record the entire conversation to play back to your DH.

Yep, option 4 is good, option 5 and 6 seem good too - but DH MUST talk to him, this is not ok.

He's very careful not to say anything rude in front of DH

Right, so it's an active choice to be rude, demeaning, superior, misogynistic, aggressive and unpleasant.

You describe him as intelligent, so he's capable of understanding why being nasty to people isn't the way to get xmas invites.

I'd tell DP you're spending Christmas with your family and if he's so worried about FIL being alone he can go there by himself.

nan said she doesn't want him to have to be alone

Your family sounds like decent kind people who deserve far more than to be insulted on Christmas Day!

Don't pander to this awful behaviour which he's clearly deciding to turn off and on when it suits him. No great shock his other son can't be bothered with him....

Have him over for lunch or tea and whichever he comes to then do the opposite with your family

I vote for this^^ option.

Though, I wouldn't blame you for option 4.

Option 1 or 3 are out of the question! Option 2 seems unlikely.

Option 1 is not a real option, and would be preying on your nan's kindness, even though you know she doesn't want him there. How rude! Why would you even consider that??

He's old and alone and the kids love him.

Suck it up.

Is he quite elderly? DGF 95 seems to have lost all his filters and just says what he thinks.

If your Nan is hosting Christmas then how is the guest list anything to do with you? Surely your Nan is 100% in charge of who is invited - and perhaps this can be helpful to you. How can your DH or your FiL hold you responsible? FiL is not invited because he has made it clear that he does not like the hosts or enjoy their company or their cooking.
With absolute patience (but no wavering) you should make this DH's problem. "My family will not be asking your father to join them for Christmas because of his repeated rudeness. You need to discuss his alternative plans with him". This is not on you. The solution you tried has repeatedly failed and is no longer an option. It's someone else's turn to find a solution.
Wishing you strength. These things always need bucketloads of it.

He knows exactly what he is doing if he only does it when your DH isn't in earshot. So, option 4 of those you have listed is the least worst option, but I would have option 5 and tell him bluntly exactly why he is not welcome.

Its still early for Christmas planning, so I would not invite him but tell him the reasons why not - his behaviour is often rude and obnoxious and upsets people. Don't wait for him to ask - be upfront about and tell him anyway that is the reason he is not going to be asked this Xmas. That gives him plenty of time to make other arrangements for himself for Xmas Day, or (possible but unlikely) ask what he can do to mend his ways, and be welcome in future. He need not spend the day alone - there are organisations that cater Christmas dinner for single older people. I think its really important to tell him why you won't be asking him this year, not leave him guessing.

Back to him being good with the DC, while that's nice, it's not good for them to see him being horrible to or about their other relatives. If you're teaching them to behave with kindness and consideration to others, it's undermined by spending time with someone so bloody rude.

But no, never said anything with DH in earshot or I'm sure he would say something.

It's completely unacceptable that your DH wouldn't believe how objectionable his father is being until other people backed you up. I would be having strong words about that fact alone, and making it clear that things are going to change from now on.