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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

288 replies

Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 12:16

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

OP posts:
DivaBeliever · 11/10/2017 20:59

Ok - reality check required- Who is your priority here OP? Not your long suffering family, not your lovely Nan.

Stop getting caught up on not being "the bad guy". Grow a pair and free your kind family from this stress of a Christmas.

If you "D"H doesn't like it, tough.

HelenaDove · 11/10/2017 21:01

Re. the posters who are saying OP should suck it up........would you be saying it if he was a couple of decades younger or would you be calling it out as abuse. Because thats what it is.

Is there some sort of age cut off point where it stops being abuse and becomes funny cutesy Victor Meldewesque type cantankerousness? What is the age cutoff point where this metamorphosis takes place? 60? 65? 75? 80? Id love to know Hmm

kazlau · 11/10/2017 21:09

Option 4 and may I say it’s very reasonable of you to offer this!

User843022 · 11/10/2017 21:18

'Re. the posters who are saying OP should suck it up.'
I have suggested she manages the situation by keeping him away from her extended family, as many do with pils. Her dc like him, her dh obviously does. There is no need for this situation of everyone going to nans for the entire day, just see him at their house go to nans later without him.
There is no excuse for cantankerous behaviour you're right, but as her dh will no doubt want to see his df a compromise doesn't seem that unworkable really.

BewareOfDragons · 11/10/2017 21:29

Your DH should be thanking you profusely for even agreeing to offer a compromise and having him around by himself on Christmas Eve. If he won't go for the compromise, then FIL is on his own or let's his other son deal with him.

Your DH is unreasonable to expect your Christmas and your entire family's Christmas to be ruined by his rude, obnoxious behaviour. He's had his chances. You have a right to be done.

Tell your DH to grow a backbone and lay it out like it is: Christmas Eve or nothing.

JanKind · 11/10/2017 21:35

Option 6 tell him everyone hates and to f**k off - maybe he'll get the message?

Daphne22 · 11/10/2017 22:09

There are so many of you against him and he's alone, why don't you all be the bigger ones and take no notice of him, let him say what he likes and just grin, he'll soon get fed up with no response. Let him play with the Grandchildren as he's so good with them? Play board games etc to prevent him having too much to say? Don't leave him alone, he's a silly old bugger but don't bite!

kateryan · 11/10/2017 23:04

I would pop round for breakfast with your hubby and family, then leave him to get on with it. What does he do the rest of the year. Why should xmas day be any different if he is happy in his own skin. Don't feel guilty, don't think you have to invite someone who frankly has no regard for any one else. Difficult I know. Do not let any feelings of guilt sway you. Someone else should take their turn at picking up their end of the log.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2017 23:12

daphne why shoukd they be the bigger person. So what if he's alone, he's brought it on himself. Op and her family has put up with it for years, time to make a stand. Woukd you put up with this if he was much younger, no!

TitaniasCloset · 11/10/2017 23:18

I agree with telling him straight.

HelenaDove · 11/10/2017 23:25

But Myrtle it is always women who have to " manage" these situations.

Iwanttogetitright · 11/10/2017 23:39

For me - grit yr teeth & go for number 4.

Or, get yr local church to invite him for dinner.

Or meals on wheels.

We are all accountable. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Absolve yrself as it's not you.
Good luck. 👍

Coastalcommand · 11/10/2017 23:58

Honestly? I'd invite him. Play 'insulting comments' bingo secretly with your family. Have a laugh about it.
Life is short, your husband may not have his dad forever.
You could tell him it's a last chance. He may respond to that. But it's sad to think of him alone.

StaplesCorner · 12/10/2017 00:27

Coastal he doesn't like the OP's family, her nan is elderly why should this man's needs trump that woman's? Why not tell the FiL life is short and he may not be with his son forever. Its sad to think how he's behaved that has led to this.

SweetCrustPastry · 12/10/2017 00:38

My FIL was like this - racist and sexist and just outright bloody rude. I didn't think he knew any better, but it turned out he did. It got to the point where I just had to say stop now. It was when DCs were young. I didn't want them to grow up listening to someone they loved and respected being racist, sexist etc. I didn't think it would make any difference but he stopped immediately!!! So maybe tell him why your family don't want to spend Christmas with him and see what happens...

Butterymuffin · 12/10/2017 01:54

Coastal OP won't have her nan forever either. Apparently that's different though and nan should spend her last Christmases nodding and smiling at some rude man she's not even related to.

RhiWrites · 12/10/2017 02:01

Disinvited him. He's been a terrible guest. Maybe one Xmas along will deScrooge him. Anything else is enabling.

Sparklyglitter · 12/10/2017 06:56

Please don't be bullied by anyone to have your fil when he is so rude. Definitely have him at another time. Personally two lots of events on xmas day would wipe me out. I would go for having him xmas eve or boxing day. Make sure you make it short! Very sorry but I think your DH is incredibly rude if he thinks you should invite a very rude person to someone else's house, when they have said no! Would be interesting to see how he'd feel if someone did that to him!

larrygrylls · 12/10/2017 07:03

Christmas is one day and annoying people are easier if diluted. Doing the right thing is often hard but makes you the better the person.

Take it in turns to talk to him and don’t take what he says too seriously.

CakesRUs · 12/10/2017 07:06

He sounds obnoxious and I feel for you. I really don't like the idea of family members being alone at Christmas, especially as his grandchildren love him and he them. Honesty is needed here, DH needs tell him that his behaviour is offensive and makes family situations uncomfortable.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 07:39

lArgryls obviously not, as op is on here worrying 2 months in advance. Why shoukd his feelings trump everyone else's, especially op poor man who also has limited time. Life too short for this kind of rubbish. No christmass is not alwYs easy to manage feelings, with alcohol and too much to eat, some people like op FIL get worse. My goodness, I am shocked at some of the responses on here. He sounds like a nasty man who just ruins the day. Why shoukd people tip toe round him trying to placate him Hmm, just because it's Christmas!

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 07:41

Mabey op dh and tge grandkids can visit him some point at Christmas and bring presents and gave tea with him.

User843022 · 12/10/2017 07:45

'But Myrtle it is always women who have to " manage" these situations'
It's the ops family her fil doesn't get on with, so yes by saying don't take him there and have him at her home with her dc and dh who the fil is fine with before nans does seem like she is 'managing' it. Irl its what people do every year with any difficult rels.

ptumbi · 12/10/2017 08:02

There are so many of you against him and he's alone, = wonder why?

His DILs family is under NO obligation to invite him. They did so with the kindness of their hearts, and get insulted and disrespected in return. His OWN family don't want to host him.

It is just one day,like any other. Better TV (sometimes) and a big meal. Manage the situation? Remove the problem.

SemolinaSilkpaws · 12/10/2017 08:31

When FIL comes out with one of his comments, wait until DP returns to earshot and ask FIL to repeat what he has said. If he doesn’t, and he won’t for sure, repeat it for him.

I have similar problems with my DSis which I am currently dealing with.

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