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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

288 replies

Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 12:16

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

OP posts:
BlueCows · 10/10/2017 18:35

If he never says anything in front of your dh then your dh needs to stick to him like glue at any family occasions, not let him out of sight. Then if he says anything call him out on it.

But option 4 sounds good.

BeachyKeen · 10/10/2017 19:11

He needs to be told straight. Has he ever apologized or acknowledged he was in the wrong?

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 19:15

ninon
So your whole family see a nasty guest as a challenge to be fought or a cross to bear?

Sounds like a bloody shit Christmas to me.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2017 19:58

These people who are outspoken to the point of rudeness "It's just my way") and who pride themselves on being "honest" and "blunt" (no you aren't you are rude and unkind) make me sick!

They expect everyone to be nice to them but aren't prepared to be pleasant in return, even when they know the comments they make are upsetting people. And other people - you know - people who have been brought up to consider the feelings of others and to have good manners - facilitate them by not just turning round and giving them like-for-like.

I don't blame them - it's really hard to cast aside your intrinsic humanity. However the day comes when you have to think "Do I want this for the next 20 years? Do I want my young children to become more and more aware of what a horrible old bugger their grandfather is? Do I want them to have a continuous lesson that they have to let themselves be upset ad humiliated and have all their family celebrations ruined if one person decides to act like a twat?

The answer is NO! So stop it now - tell him he's an arsehole and that nobody wants to spend time with him. It may hurt his feelings (I doubt it - I think he will be enraged rather than upset), but he will know why he isn't wanted and what he needs to do if he wants to be part of the family again.

DarthMaiden · 10/10/2017 20:15

Quite honestly I wouldn’t want to put my family through that and allow one miserable, rude person to dampen Christmas - Age might get you a bus pass for free, but it does confer freedom to act like a asshole.

However it’s hard - however justified, to leave someone home alone at Christmas and I understand it would be difficult for your DH.

By way of a compromise (and frankly a way to deal with the issue in such as way as to make it clear that FIL is accountable for what happens in the future) Would it be possible for DH to speak to him in no uncertain terms and be clear that this behaviour won’t be tolerated.

Say he gets one last chance and if he’s rude to his hosts then that’s game over. No discussion about attending any other events hosted by your family again ever.

Equally make sure it’s your DH’s responsibility to baby sit him all day - not wandering off to socialise and to pull him up immediately on any poor behaviour.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 10/10/2017 20:22

Christmas is at your Nans, she doesn't want him there, then you and your Dh have no right to invite him.
He sounds awful. If he asks why tell him the truth, why do you have to be respectful of his feelings when he has no respect for others.

NinonDeLenclos · 10/10/2017 20:56

So your whole family see a nasty guest as a challenge to be fought or a cross to bear?

Neither. I just wouldn't take it personally. There's ways of managing people like him, it's not that difficult.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 10/10/2017 21:00

At the end of the day, it's your nan hosting christmas dinner. If she doesn't want him there he aint coming.

ivykaty44 · 10/10/2017 21:01

Tell him he’s been rude to many times and has cooked his goose

Have him over Christmas Eve

senua · 10/10/2017 21:06

Sorted!
Option 6: he goes to Ninon's
Grin

Batteriesallgone · 10/10/2017 21:23

There's ways of managing people like him, it's not that difficult.

He's being deliberately nasty, he'd probably see you as a challenge! People like this are easy to ignore on one occasion. But over months....years....they grind you down. You'd get pissed off eventually.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2017 21:33

As a matter of interest, is Christmas always with your family?

justilou1 · 11/10/2017 07:12

I don't understand why nobody has told him that he's no longer invited to things because his rudeness is intolerable. Perhaps it's time to let him know that when you live by yourself for too long you forget how to interact with people.
Also - introduce him as Victor Meldrew.

KERALA1 · 11/10/2017 10:00

Our family could manage an unpleasant and rude person. But we wouldn't want to, especially not at Christmas.

My mother still harbours resentment about the people my kindly grandparents would invite to spend Christmas with them - lonely randoms my gps felt sorry for - often there were good reasons why they were on their own. My mum and her siblings weren't allowed to open their presents until the randoms had gone so as to spare their feelings about their own lack of presents. It has made my mum pretty hard nosed about who she spends Christmas with Grin

sleeponeday · 11/10/2017 17:34

The fact he doesn't do this when your DH is present is the deal-breaker to me. This isn't some socially challenged person who isn't aware that they are being awful. If that were so, he'd not rein it in around anyone. If he's pleasant when your DH is there and not when he isn't, then he's simply an arse who thinks your DH will ensure his inclusion so he can be as spiteful and dismissive as he likes.

The fact nobody else will have him speaks volumes. Your family are not responsible for him, and why should he be allowed to ruin their Christmas yet again?

Tell your DH that there is an Option 5: he goes to his father's and has Christmas there, and the rest of you have a nice time with your family. Interesting that your husband is prepared for him to wreck everyone else's day, but isn't considering sacrificing his own.

Minaktinga · 11/10/2017 17:35

This is really difficult because while he’s an idiot, he’s your idiot and Christmas is about charity and acceptance.

Has anyone spoken to him about it? Is it possible for your DH to have a serious talk with him and be honest about how people are feeling. Give him a chance to promise he’ll behave or not come. He won’t like it, he’ll get cross - no one likes to be told they’re a wanker. Hopefully he’ll have some time to think and decide his family are worth amending his behaviour for.

morningconstitutional2017 · 11/10/2017 17:37

Could you invite him for Christmas lunch only? DH to pick him up and take him home after? This is what my sister did with my difficult Dad after Mum died. He was the most argumentative and disagreeable man in the world who'd alienated almost every family member - nobody really wanted anything to do with him but this was a reasonable (but still worrying) compromise.

valeview · 11/10/2017 17:39

OK... here's your problem(s)...DH who obviously wants the easiest way out, and obviously never stands up for his family.... and ''you don't want to offend him''....... why not? He's offended everyone, he's rude, he's bigoted, he is a bully, tbh. Why does everyone pussy foot around him, and actually make him worse? You, sorry, your DP should say, without apology ''you make Christmas uncomfortable for everyone, and therefore, you are not invited this year... learn some manners and maybe next year you will be''.... HE IS AN ADULT WHO BEHAVES APPALLINGLY.... why not let him reap the benefit?

jessebuni · 11/10/2017 17:43

From the title I was all set to say it's Christmas don't be mean but after reading the whole OP post I then wanted to say eff off FIL.

For the sake of the fact that he's family then I would invite him over Christmas Eve or Boxing Day to see you and your kids etc. Since he's proven to be rather rude to your family Option 1 isn't really an option. We don't see both sets of parents on Christmas Day every year and that's without excessively rude relatives. We just make sure we get to see them at somepoint over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I also think a serious talk with your DH telling him that he really needs to talk to his dad about how rude he is to people needs to happen because you sound so stressed and upset trying to keep everyone happy.

manicmij · 11/10/2017 17:45

No invite whatsoever. If he makes comment just tell him it is obvious he doesn't enjoy your family's company and the food isn't up to his standard so you have taken the hint and having Christmas on your own. What a miserable ungrateful being he is!

Abbylee · 11/10/2017 17:54

Do something small with him but no way hurt your own family for him. My bil is obnoxious and we ignore him for dh sake but all of my family except dc and dh have passed, no way would i hurt them if i were lucky enough to have a holiday with them.

Btw, i am sure that he knows that he hurts your family. So he is a bully; is your husband also a bully? Do you want him influencing your dc? I hope not.

My mil hates me bc I'm neither wealthy nor her approved nationality. She's allowed to see our dc if she is not disrespectful to me in front of them.

Tell him that his gift is a trip. On Christmas day.

MiserableCowgirl · 11/10/2017 17:58

Get him to read a Christmas carol and highlight the bits with Scrooge

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/10/2017 17:58

OPTION 5 - you, your husband and your children go to visit HIM a few days before Christmas so that he can be the great grandfather you say he is.

If he won't have you then that tells you all you need to know and your conscience can be clear.

I wouldn't allow him to keep impacting on your family the way that he does. He'd never be lonely anyway, he loves the sound of his own voice from what you've said.

urkidding · 11/10/2017 18:02

Don't invite him and tell him clearly why. Do you have a daughter, and does he think a daughter is inferior to a son?

Don't put up with any crap without calling him to account. My father in law was like that, I eventually stopped bothering with him, and he spent Christmas with his brother, until they had enough of him too. None of his daughters invited him.

EllenMP · 11/10/2017 18:05

I think if your children are fond of him it's best not to ruin your relationship with him. I would invite him for part of Christmas day, not just Christmas eve -- until early afternoon, say. And then say you are going to your nan's without him because he doesn't seem to get on with your family very well. No need to make a blowup about it, or feel guilty he is spending all of Christmas alone.