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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

288 replies

Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 12:16

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

OP posts:
babyno5 · 11/10/2017 18:10

It’s a difficult one. My partners family are as dull as dishwater and we have always been the Christmas hosts (at the expense of a fun Christmas for the rest of us!). This year will be very different as FIL passed away suddenly 2 weeks ago and I find myself feeling very very sad as now both of us have lost both our parents. I’m glad I have welcomed them for the 14 years we have been together as you never know when it will be your last Christmas.
Your husband has already lost his Mum and you still have yours. Just balance it all up before making any decisions. If all else fails there’s always the gin!! xx

pam290358 · 11/10/2017 18:11

I’m recently widowed so maybe have a different perspective on this from the point of view of how awful Christmas may be for those alone.

This one will be my first since losing my husband and I’m dreading it. Have any of you confronted this man with how awful he’s being to everyone and maybe tried to find out why he’s like this ? There could be some underlying problem - maybe he’s never got over his grief at the loss of his wife and it has made him bitter, or it’s even possible that he’s so insensitive that he doesn’t actually realise what he’s doing. Whatever the problem I don’t think it’s morally right to just write someone off without finding out if the problem is one that can be fixed. If this doesn’t turn out to be the case and he refuses to accept your attempts to reconcile things then you may simply have to tell him he’s not welcome at your home until he learns that he can’t treat people like this and expect them to want to be in his company. As someone has previously posted, your own family are not related to him and I don’t see why they have to have their own holiday ruined. Talking is a start.

catsanddogsfightless · 11/10/2017 18:12

Why does his other son not have him to eat/visit at his house on Christmas Day?

Do not feel obliged. Your parents and your siblings don't deserve this idiot patronising them. I hate people who think they are better than me.

Personally I would just go to your parents on Christmas Day and leave FIL to sort/drive/arrange his own Christmas Day. It is no meaner than he appears to be towards other humans on a regular basis. He can mull over his behaviour on his own.

WitchesHatRim · 11/10/2017 18:13

Why does his other son not have him to eat/visit at his house on Christmas Day?

RTFT he often works.

Plus he is under no obligation to.

Shesaid · 11/10/2017 18:15

Am I the only one who thinks the things he has done are not really SO bad.. rude, sure, but not evil. Old men behaving badly - can you not take it in your stride? This is your partner's father, your children's Grandad. Learn how to stand up to him in a way that your kids learn something from it - otherwise all they will know is the one Christmas, he wasn't invited (despite being on his own) and you will be plagued with having to explain that. Your DP will also feel guilty and possibly resentful.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 11/10/2017 18:18

Option 5 tell DH your nan has said no and it's her house, you and DS are going, DH can come with you or he can spend the day with FIL but FIL will not be going to your nans.

Mamabear4180 · 11/10/2017 18:19

Option 5 as Sparkly said

Hissy · 11/10/2017 18:19

Why does his other son not have him to eat/visit at his house on Christmas Day?

RTFT he often works

I read it that BIL said he’d be working over Christmas. I got the impression that he didn’t actually work, that it was an excuse not to have the bloke in his house

User843022 · 11/10/2017 18:21

'I would invite him for part of Christmas day, not just Christmas eve -- until early afternoon, say. And then say you are going to your nan's without him because he doesn't seem to get on with your family very well.'

If you ever come back op why can't you do this ^ . Your dc love him, he's your dh father. Have him over for lunch then pop to nans later without him. It's not that hard really.

Hissy · 11/10/2017 18:22

Old men behaving badly...

We don’t have to sit by and watch old women and extended family members being upset just because someone can’t be grateful to be there in the first place or to remember his manners

Old men behaving badly are just men who behave badly who hve grown older. Had someone told them their fortune earlier in life perhaps they’d have more invitations, be more welcome...

KnowsStuff · 11/10/2017 18:23

It's his problem
Not yours

fluffiny31 · 11/10/2017 18:26

Sounds like my dp's dad. He is just plain rude he actually makes people cry. We came to heads at my daughters 1st birthday where i stood up to him after he offended everyone at the party in rude ways making comments about being orphans asking kids why their dad isnt on the scene the list is endless. He has never done it again to anyone i know since. But i won't be inviting him to my dd's 2nd birthday. Do what is right for you. He may learn if he is excluded at a special time.

paxillin · 11/10/2017 18:27

Now that your Dh finally believes how rude he was, will he speak to him about it?

pollymere · 11/10/2017 18:32

Option 5: Go away for Christmas and explain that unfortunately he won't be able to join in this year. Hopefully by the following Christmas, he'll have other plans. Or say you plan to go away...and then don't.

Fudgefase · 11/10/2017 18:34

Yes, he obviously has some redeeming qualities. It's possible he was just brought up to criticise everyone around him, but you must be firm and say it is not appropriate and if he wants to stay then he bides his wheesht. (That's holds his tongue for anyone not Scottish).
And if he starts, just cut in straight away and say, John, not now. And then have a range of topics ready to talk about. Then I'd send him out for a nice long walk with DH and the kids.
I'm afraid I would have him over for Xmas tho. My heart would win out over my head - but I would def have him there on my terms.

Leamington99 · 11/10/2017 18:41

Don’t feel bad for him, he doesn’t take your feelings into account when belittling your family. It’s their Christmas too.

He thinks he’s above your family, but doesn’t seem to have anyone else to tag along with for Christmas? What a surprise.

user1499419331 · 11/10/2017 18:42

Tell him he is invited to BIL, give him address and send him there.

Fishface77 · 11/10/2017 18:43

Redeeming qualities???
This old knob head CHOOSES to be obnoxious when OPs DH isn't around!
He's doing it deliberately.
No need to ruin everyone else's Christmas because he can't behave.
Option 5 spend Christmas Eve with him.
Let him come Christmas morning and do presents and breakfast with him then you and DC go to your nans and him and DH can do whatever they want.
If, for DH that means dropping fil home and coming to nans that's his choice but I would decide for myself and my kids.
Just because someone might die soon doesn't mean we all have to be miserable till they do.

Saj1988 · 11/10/2017 18:47

I don’t think you should feel compelled to have him at Christmas. Someone should tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and unless he is prepared to make an effort to be pleasant, he won’t be invited.

PashPash · 11/10/2017 18:49

In this situation I'm the BIL. (Not really but we have a similar situation on our hands) we have a bloody rude inlaw, we're the only ones out of 4 half siblings who don't host. Because we damnwell refuse to.

I ain't bowing to no pressure neither

If other relatives are too spineless to refuse to host, still doesn't make it my problem. We've gone away for Christmas just to ensure the point is fully made. I.am.not. Hosting. And I don't care what you do. I'm quite happy in my own conscience if the miserable git is alone for Christmas, if you want invites to family festivities it's easy, don't be that arsehole that everyone dreads. Simple.

Op done now to pressure, and don't push this back on the BIL either.

PashPash · 11/10/2017 18:50

*dont bow

Ffs

MotherofPearl · 11/10/2017 18:57

I'm appalled that he told your sister to be quiet because 'the men are talking'. Shock I totally understand why no-one wants him around, and frankly I hope this causes him to take a long, hard look at himself.

Textpectation · 11/10/2017 18:59

4 plus what Mabel said.

bringbacksideburns · 11/10/2017 19:06

So you have been going to someone else's house for several years for Christmas dinner, taking along someone you don't even like to inflict on you family?

Why is this your headache and not your husband's?
Do you ever host Christmas yourself?

It's simple. Get your dh to explain he's not invited because he offended them all, particularly the women. He's an adult not a child.
Compromise on inviting him around for a couple of hours on Christmas eve. Obviously you don't have to go to your nan's either. Sounds like she may need a break tbh.

Also if his own son makes excuses not to spend Christmas with him why on earth are you pandering to him?

Your dh should be talking to his brother about that too. If he's not working Boxing Day or day after etc then he should do his bit too.

Ohyesiam · 11/10/2017 19:06

He's brought this on himself, and I'm really surprised you are trying to support him in his appalling behaviour. I think option4 is very generous.
The only other realistic option is to flag it up every time he is out of order. So each time he is offensive, stop him with an explanation of what he is creating. Hard work, but worth doing. Possibly not on Christmas day.
Op, please don't make yourself the n unwilling recipient of his offensive behaviour . he only gets away with it because he been allowed to in the past.
Don't even contemplate spending Christmas without your wider family.

It's up to him how he chooses to behave, and all the consequences that go with it.