To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

[Keepingthexmaspeace1]

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

The DBro has not said if he's working or not. But he needs to step up too - even if he's working part of the day, he's not working 24 hours?!

Go out for a meal with him on Christmas Eve. Hopefully, he's less likely to be insulting in public and there's less chance of him being insulting because you'll all be round the table most of the time.

There's also no chance of him being able to stay over at your place, with whatever excuse he finds.

"he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots"

It wasn't exactly an intelligent move to be so rude to your family last year!!

Life is too short for that crap, he sounds like a nasty man, I would not host him, and tell him a few home truths. why should other people's Christmas be ruined because of him. If nobody invites him, its because of his own doing, he makes his bed and lies in it!

My mum is similar, she has no filter and will impart her opinion despite it not being wanted. She is a cup half empty person who is very negative, so makes everybody feel that way. She sees the bad in everybody, and uses times like Christmas and Easter, to tell everybody what she thinks.

She has not come for Christmas at ours, her choice, as its full of commercialism and in her words 'does not like Christmas'. Thank goodness its only dh, me, and the kids. I have invited her again this year, but she does not want to come, she wants to come when kids are at school and dh is at work (she's not keen on him at all).

Don't pander to this nasty man, don't invite him!

Nobody wants a horrible person around, especially at Christmas, he's made his bed and now he lies in it. Tell dh noway is he coming, and to research places where people who are alone can go to at Christmas (community hall, or Salvation ARmy, Church thing for alone people). Noway should you all be miserable, because of him.

Really windowSong?

Oh you have just made me chuckle

Damn right I wouldn't be having him round ruining my families Christmas for the sake of being a knob!

Why should the whole family suffer?

He KNOWS he's doing it.

I can't believe people would accept this

He's very careful not to say anything rude in front of DH, for years DH thought I had some sort of vendetta as he had never heard it and made out like I was making it up! It was only when everyone noticed it a lot more last xmas and said to DH that he's starting to realise it properly. But no, never said anything with DH in earshot or I'm sure he would say something.

I have to admit that I'm not overly impressed by your DH, OP. He only believed you when others backed it up?

Why should your family forgo a pleasant Christmas, because FIL behaves in a rude contagorious manner?

You do realise that he does it because you have all been polite and have not pulled him up on his disgraceful behaviour don't you?

I'm also astounded at your DH....who would rather see his father offend your family and treat you appallingly (as has been the case for many years) again for another year (as it sounds like he doesn't just do this at Christmas).

I would tell your DH that enough is enough. You will no longer tolerate his bad behaviour and don't appreciate the fact that he expects these arrangements to continue. I would tell him, that you will see FIL on Boxing Day (I agree with PP, about Christmas Eve being used to guilt trip you) and that he is welcome to spend time with FIL on Xmas day (on his own).

OP, your dh really needs to get some respect for you, and grow a backbone, and start supporting you. You need to be assertive with your dh, and put your foot down on this. This is not just affecting you, but the whole family, why should everybody be miserable so as not to offend a nasty man, who does not give a toss about any of you.

Or...

Option 6 - "how about you host Xmas dinner this year FIL and we can all ruin it for you? "

No the BIL doesn't have to step up Biddy, why on earth should he?

Maybe he (and his DP?) knows exactly what FIL's like and has put his foot down about no longer having occasions ruined by a bully. Maybe he really like working Christmas.

Jesus, no one is owed Christmas with anyone else. And he knows it's coming and has still been pissing OP's family off recently.

Option 1. Is not an option. Your family have been far too nice, for far too long.

Option 5. He can come around on Boxing Day, but any 'attitude' or one word about your family not inviting him & he leaves. Your DH with him if he doesn't support you.

He's beyond rude. I would give him fair warning before any event he's invited to & tell him that if he's rude to anyone, it'll be the last time he's invited. Widowed or not, he can mind his manners.

I think you're really kind to have him over on Christmas Eve. I also have FIL issues. He's highly intelligent and is a hospital consultant (he's over 70 now and still working). He is on the autistic spectrum - not formally diagnosed though. He is unclean, smelly, blunt rude and has no relationship with my son who will be 3 in January. He has seen him 3 times in his entire life. I will NEVER have him in my house at Christmas as quite frankly he would ruin it for me. All he does is turn up, eat whatever food is on offer and then sits in an armchair doing sudoko or crosswords. He doesn't event try to interact with one of his 5 grandsons (my so has 4 older cousins). My parents rally round, help to cook and wash up and play with my son. They look after him 2 days a week so are really close.

It always puzzles me on threads like these, when some posters say something along the lines of "Oh, it's family, don't be rude you have to include him!"
So, according to them, it's perfectly all right for one person to be rude to everyone else but it's utterly unspeakable to not invite them so everyone else can have a pleasant day.
Nope, sorry. We also have a rude relative who has inflicted themselves on us at Christmas before now. "Oh, but I'm family and family comes first!" they'd say. Utterly ignoring the fact they'd treated myself and siblings with poorly disguised contempt as we were growing up.
We did host a few times but they were snide and disrespectful most of the time.
Last year we didn't host due to serious circumstances going on with other members of the family. They sulked and didn't contact us for months.
We're not planning on inviting them this year. They can inflict themselves on someone else.

Op, given your fil is perfectly able to control his tongue in front of his son, then he knows he's being rude and unpleasant. That gives me the impression he doesn't actually WANT to be there.

If your DH has siblings/cousins, they need to take him! The fact you have had him for 6 years is disgraceful! Someone else needs to step up!!!

Cousins 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣. Cousins should have him? On what bloody planet would that be reasonable?

The brother doesn't have to have him either. He's not some poor, frail, grandparent that needs caring for. He's an obnoxious wanker who is rude & nasty. He can spend Christmas Day on his own reflecting on his cunty attitude. Or go to a friend's - if he has any. Alternatively he could volunteer & do something nice for a change. If he can.

I'd tell him that if he writes a letter of apology to your sister, mother and Nan apologising for his previous behaviour and promising to not be rude this year he can come, and I'd tell him he will be straight in the car on his way home if he starts being rude to anyone. Tell him this is his absolute last chance, next year he will be on his own if he can't be nice. Treat him like the child he is behaving like. And he needs pulling up at the time "no you're not more intelligent, you've just got no manners!"

I very much doubt that he will! Tell your brother in law he's on standby for dad duty. He won't be working all Xmas, my ex was police and was frequently off - we always celebrated it at some point.

OP's BiL is under no obligation to host his dad ever. And certainly not because the OP tells him to.

Sorry, I phrased that last one badly.

I think I mean that DH should realise that it is not all up to him to look after his DF. He does have a DB, and his DF is capable of sorting himself out for Christmas.

I didn't mean to imply that DB HAD to have DFIL, more that DH should realise that he does NOT have to have DFIL.

Yes, you are right, it is not a RIGHT for anyone to have a Christmas (or any other time) in someone else's house. And there are reasons why others in the family may not want to look after or deal with the behavior of some.

Being family does not excuse anyone from the repercussions of bad behavior.

I couldn't put my dh in the position of leaving his df alone on Xmas day. I'd go for option 1 with a proviso of dh speaking to him first about reining himself in. Your nan obviously feels the same and doesn't want him alone on Xmas day.

"I couldn't put my dh in the position of leaving his df alone on Xmas day."

Perhaps your FIL isn't a complete and utter wankbag.

I would go with option 4.
Or option 5 which is what a lot of people do anyway. One Christmas with family an de one Christmas with IL. Or Christmas Day with family, Boxing Day with IL and the swap around the following year.

Option 1 just cannot happen. It's not your house or you (and your DH) who are doing the invites.

What is it with these horrible men and everyone tip toeing round them because they are "family". So what? If you are knowingly consciously rude and unpleasant no one is obliged to spend time with you least of all host you, just because you are a man and they are your family

No, you don't get to be a twat all year then expect me to play happy families just because it's Christmas.

Might be bringing my own issues to this particular party!

Why should other people suffer HOHO, because a nasty man cannot control himself, well he can for his son, but has no qualms about making other people miserable.

Actually, go for option 5) your dh go round to his house, and spend Christmas with him, or take him out, just the two of them, whilst you celebrate with your children and family.

I'm really interested in why he is rude to people, but only when DH can't hear.

What is that about, do you think, OP?