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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

288 replies

Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 12:16

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 10/10/2017 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 10/10/2017 13:26

Your DH doesn't get to invite anybody to your nan's house

I'd do Christmas Eve (or boxing day) lunch with FIL at your house, not your nan's, so that the rest of your family don't have to put up with him upsetting everyone. Being old doesn't mean that you never have to face the consequences of your actions, or that you get free rein to be utterly obnoxious to people who are trying their best to be kind to you.

diddl · 10/10/2017 13:28

I wouldn't go for 1-seems to me that Op's family have done enough.

I'd probably be thinking of seeing him Christmas Eve &/or Boxing day.

TrickOrRuddyTreat · 10/10/2017 13:29

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I wouldn't go with any of those options, escpecially if he's been told he's being a twat!

If it's feasible based on the logistics of where you all live etc I would take the kids to see him on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for lunch and gifts etc but I wouldn't inflict him on my family at all. Don't offer him any other options and if he mentions Christmas Day say you're going to see your family. When he mentions going with you/asks if he's invited etc explain that is not an option as he has made it plain he dislikes them and they find his behaviour offensive so it's better for everyone if you see them separately.

If you get the whol 'woe is me, I'll be all alone' point out he has other family and he should make plans with them.

Neoflex · 10/10/2017 13:30

Why doesn't your dh put his father in his place? That is what everyone would say if it were a mil.

Why is everyone enabling this man?

If you take option 1, you might find it is you OP who is not invited to Christmas next year. I think your family have been pretty tolerant so far :(

TheMaddHugger · 10/10/2017 13:31

windowSong Tue 10-Oct-17 13:18:13
Option 1, because Christmas is about family. Though apparently kindness only extends to nice people if you’re a Mumsnetter.

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?
Butterymuffin · 10/10/2017 13:31

Kindness is a two way street, so FIL can do his bit by keeping his unpleasant remarks to himself.

Honeycombcrunch · 10/10/2017 13:32

Does he live near enough to your family that DH can pop in for a visit during Christmas afternoon? If not, stick with option 4 in your original list. Tell DH that you and your family are not prepared to have another Christmas spoilt by a rude old man.

You have my sympathy because I have a rude family member who everyone has stopped inviting. The final straw was last year when she told my brother he was getting fat and poked his tummy. He told her that while he can lose weight she will always be horrible!

AngelsSins · 10/10/2017 13:34

Women are not duty bound to bend over backwards for misogynistic old men who can't even manage to be polite and hide their contempt for a few hours. If he spends Christmas alone this year, it will be through his own fault. Your husband should explain to him why he is no longer welcome, and that women don't owe him their company, or a full Christmas dinner.

CountessOfStrathearn · 10/10/2017 13:36

"Option 1, because Christmas is about family. Though apparently kindness only extends to nice people if you’re a Mumsnetter."

And the OP's family have had a miserable time of it for the last 6-7 years because the FIL persists in being rude and badly behaved! They have been kind for 15 years, yet the FIL has been unkind and unpleasant throughout. That's a pretty good chance they have given him!

Can the OP's family not have a nice day for once? After all, windowsong, "Christmas is about family."

BiddyPop · 10/10/2017 13:37

Witches Nan saying he can come if he really has nowhere else to go, after expressing her upset and that of the wider family be expressed, is not exactly Nan "inviting" FIL. THat is Nan being a nice lady who doesn't want to see someone on their own at Christmas no matter how badly behaved they are and how much he has upset not only her DGD!!!! (many times) but others in her family too.

So no, Nan has not really "invited" him. More expressed a sentiment that she wouldn't leave him out in the cold on his own, but also expressed a desire not to have him there this year. That's what I read anyway. That it is the DH, as in son of FIL and and grandson-in-law of the Nan, who wants to invite him to Nan's house. When the DH has never actually heard the nastiness and never believed his DW about the nastiness she experienced.

I second the people saying "GetoffMabel's" wording is good - make it DH's problem, and make it clear that you will not be sorting it nor do you want to have yet another Christmas spoiled by HIS DF.

Ttbb · 10/10/2017 13:37

Your DH is being unreasonable. You have no right to impose him on your family like that so don't. Try to see if you can find somewhere else to spend Christmas for him, if not then do it alone.

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:39

Hear hear Angels

Loving the cat Hugger my cat has just scratched me and now wants food which of course I will provide.Wink

Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 13:39

I would advise option 4. He gets to visit on Christmas Eve; he gets on famously with his grandkids so that way they don’t miss out and you get him in a small dose. You shouldn’t inflict him on your nan and the rest of your extended family, that’s not fair.

I used to make my DH and DDs put up with having my DB to stay; he has MH problems and I felt duty bound to maintain some form of relationship with him. But he was rude and unpleasant to my DDs so I no longer invite him. I’m much happier as a result and family gatherings are much more enjoyable.

flippinada · 10/10/2017 13:40

It sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing if he's canny enough to keep his nasty comments under wraps around your DH.

I would say option 4 but be very clear about boundaries. For example, any hint of nastiness and he has to leave, no excuses.

Also agree your DH should be the one to tell him and set the boundaries, it's not fair that this all fails on you.

LovelyFriend · 10/10/2017 13:41

Option 5 - Inform him that as he's been so unspeakably rude to literally everyone, that nobody wants to have him.

Try and get over knot wanting to offend him OP - he sets out to offend everyone.

Tis the season to be jolly and all, but this works both ways and he has taken the piss and been pandered too long enough.

Agree this is your H's problem

NannyRed · 10/10/2017 13:42

If you offer him option 4 can you be sure he won't stay at yours way too long?

I'd be tempted to get your husband to tell him that you are all going to your parents/siblings/friends, even if you don't go anywhere. Christmas can be stress enough without having to walk on eggshells because your FIL is a rude and obnoxious man.

tistheseason2bjolly · 10/10/2017 13:42

If your DH has siblings/cousins, they need to take him! The fact you have had him for 6 years is disgraceful! Someone else needs to step up!!!

JungleExplorer · 10/10/2017 13:45

Option 4.

When we were children we had a lovely Grandma who we saw on Christmas eve and an awful/insulting/nasty Grandma, we saw her on boxing day.

My Mum told us it was so nasty Grandma couldn't ruin Christmas by upsetting us either just before or on the day Grin

CorbynsBumFlannel · 10/10/2017 13:45

Surely it's up to your nan whether or not she invites him if she's hosting?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/10/2017 13:46

If your DH has siblings/cousins, they need to take him! The fact you have had him for 6 years is disgraceful! Someone else needs to step up!!!

The DH DBro is working.

The cousins are under no obligation to have a rude Uncle come for Christmas.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2017 13:48

OP already said BIL wants nothing to do with FIL and either works or pretends he's working so he doesn't have to see him!

Madonna9 · 10/10/2017 13:51

I agree with gamerchick.
Let DH figure it out with his dad. I don't see why this is your families problem or why your FIL would assume he will get invited to his DIL family every Christmas.

Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 13:51

I agree that your DH should be the one to set boundaries with your FIL. He is not to say anything rude or insulting otherwise he will have to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2017 13:52

No to option 4. Option 4 will likely have him turning up at yours on Christmas Day as well.

You invoke Option 5 which is along the lines of what Mabel suggested earlier on. Tell him straight that due to his behaviours he can make other arrangements.

He may be "nice" to your children now because they seem to be quite young; when they have more of an opinion of their own he won't like it at all. Your children as well receive mixed messages in his presence because they see him being horrible to you as their parents.

Stop being such a doormat also and invoke higher boundaries; bullying miserable people like your DPs father rely on nice people like you not to say anything. They really do see kindness as weakness. Both of you, particularly his son here, need to do this for your family's sake as well.