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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

288 replies

Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 12:16

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

OP posts:
Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 14:41

MMm I wonder if those who feel any bad behaviour is okay as it’s christmas are guilty themselves?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2017 14:42

Keeping,

Re option 1:-
"1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)"

That also tells me that your DH is utterly mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his dad. His family unit are by default supposed to suck it up because your H is both unwilling and actually unable to stand up for himself and in turn his family when it comes to his dad. Your H on some level just wants this to all go away so that he does not have to deal with this.

Your H's inertia when it comes to his dad simply hurts him as well as you. This is also why option 4 will not work because your H is incapable of asking his dad to rein it in because he himself cannot and his father will not. His father honestly thinks he has done nothing wrong here; such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

BiddyPop · 10/10/2017 14:44

And in this case, following on from Kerala's argument, they are not even FIL's family in any event! So even less under an obligation than general "family" might be.

Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 14:46

That’s true, if your DH isn’t able to stand up to his father and protect his family from his abuse, then you will need to tell him that unless he does so, your FIL won’t be allowed back in your house.

NinonDeLenclos · 10/10/2017 15:09

Personally I would go for option 1 laugh at all the nonsense he comes out with. If you all regard him as comic rather than tragic it's not actually that big a deal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2017 15:19

Would you have someone like him in your house ruining what is supposed to be a nice family time?. Thought not.

I do not think that anyone feels like laughing at him or at all when this man is present and is in full flow rant mode. People should never feel obligated to have nasty relatives over for Christmas or any other time of year for that matter.

Breadwithgarlicon · 10/10/2017 15:23

I think I would get dh to tell him straight that you're spending Christmas with your family and that he hasn't been invited because he upset so many people last year. Tell him soon and let him think about it. Hopefully, he'll be able to arrange something else. If not, I would find it very difficult to leave him on his own and might invite him for the meal on Christmas Day, with instructions to be nice to everyone.

I probably wouldn't invite him for Xmas Eve but might see him Boxing Day or the day after for games or a walk with the kids.

19lottie82 · 10/10/2017 15:49

4, for sure. Why does your BIL get to refuse his horrible behaviour but you don't?
Basically your DH wants your family to put up with being disrespected so that he doesn't have to have an awkward conversation with his Father.

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 16:00

5 and then 4.

You absolutely cannot do 1, it is not your house to invite him to, and they have said they don't want him. Your DH is insane.

Littlepleasures · 10/10/2017 16:05

Start a new Christmas tradition just for fil. Eg bracing country walk Boxing Day morning, back to his for lunch which you may end up bringing with you exchange presents, play a game, , leave when he starts his shenanigans but be clear why he can no longer be included in your wider family celebrations. Suggest bil attends too. Familial duty done without ruining your family’s Christmas. You never know he might prefer a smaller, more intimate group where he is the main event. If he complains about being on his own Xmas day, explain again why and suggest DH drop by for an hour or two with his gc to exchange presents on the day.

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 16:07

Ninin

There is no option 1 the host hasn’t invited him.

Littlepleasures · 10/10/2017 16:09

Then back to your family late afternoon for a stiff drink and some fun..........

TheDayIBroke · 10/10/2017 16:27

Typed a long message and lost it!

You and your family are condoning and accepting his appalling behaviour by continuing to have him for Christmas. He is choosing to behave like this - he can be civil when your DH is around.

Imagine the groans and sighs when the other attendees to Christmas Day, Nan included, when they hear you are bringing FIL again.

Don't let him ruin Christmas this year.

Andylion · 10/10/2017 16:34

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then'

What do people say when he comes up with this? It's the perfect opportunity to tell him exactly why, then, being alone at Christmas wouldn't be a complete surprise.

Fishface77 · 10/10/2017 17:16

Option 1 isn't really an option is it?
If my family members bought an In law to the house at Christmas and they behaved like this and then continued to bring him even though they'd been asked not to then neither they nor the rude relative would be welcome.

NinonDeLenclos · 10/10/2017 17:18

Would you have someone like him in your house ruining what is supposed to be a nice family time? Thought not

It really wouldn't bother me at all. I can cope with people like that and so can my family.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2017 17:36

Option 4 but keep it short and busy. If he's good with the dc do an activity they can all enjoy like a panto or Christmas film.

Then meal in or out and make it festive but brisk and little alcohol. Out of interest does booze make him worse?

He sounds like a massive attention seeker. Ignore the bad behaviour or have a set response which you all use every time. 'Not ok, Aurthur.' Or whatever.

And be absolutely clear that he's not been invited to your family because he has upset them. He will bluster and make excuses but he has to see there are very real consequences for his actions.

mickeysminnie · 10/10/2017 17:51

As Andylion said, what did your mum respond.

What did your FIL say when your dad and brother confronted him?

Creampastry · 10/10/2017 17:59

Option 5 - BIl doesn’t work Christmas Day or does early turn

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/10/2017 18:00

His father honestly thinks he has done nothing wrong here; such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

His father does know it's wrong. He wouldn't be completely different in front of his son if he didn't.

Brutal, but I'm in the camp that says if he's alone for Christmas he's only got himself to blame. However I would tell him straight out that that's how you feel and see how he reacts. Would your DH back you up if you did? If not, just go for option whatever-it-was. You and the DC to your family, DH and has dad do their own thing.

Batteriesallgone · 10/10/2017 18:17

Well I suppose option 1 is possible if your DH stays glued to his side the whole time and chaperones all conversations. Preferably without drinking - either your DH or his dad.

Spangles1963 · 10/10/2017 18:18

Being old and alone is no excuse for being diabolically rude! I think you're heading for trouble if you do invite him.

CockacidalManiac · 10/10/2017 18:20

These horrible old people tend to be alone and isolated for a reason; it’s usually because they’ve been vile all their lives, and everyone eventually just has enough of it.

flippinada · 10/10/2017 18:25

Very true Cockacidal.

Also, it strikes me that he isn't half as clever as he believes himself to be if he can't make the correlation between his own awful behaviour and the fact his own family don't want to be around him.

Maelstrop · 10/10/2017 18:32

And it's would also tell him to stop bothering your do about no longer being invited to hers: just tell him why.