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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

288 replies

Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 12:16

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

OP posts:
Beckyb1 · 10/10/2017 12:49

Because your husband wants to keep the peace and invite him anyway, maybe he could stay at home with his dad and you go to your family. Job done.

PovertyPain · 10/10/2017 12:49

He sounds like a sexist wanker and age has nothing to do with that. It's only a matter of time before he starts making sure your children know where their place is in life, ie; boys are better than girls. Would it not be better to invite him for a Boxing Day dinner, as he'll probably spend all Xmas evening manipulating you and your DH into inviting him for Xmas. What are you going to say to him, when he asks why he can't go?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2017 12:50

Excellent approach @GetOffTheTableMabel

OP, do that ^

GrockleBocs · 10/10/2017 12:52

Sounds just like my FIL. Who DH hasn't seen in years.
Do you have children? If not I'd send DH to him and they can cook for themselves while you have fun. If you do have children then I'd suggest to DH that he figures out what to do because there is no invite to your parents. He could suggest FIL hosts and you can leave if when he's rude.

Justanothernameonthepage · 10/10/2017 12:52

Talk to him now. Say that his previous behaviour has been atrocious and currently he's not invited to your families celebration. If he starts to complain, point out that he could apologise to everyone he's insulted or upset and decide to behave in a more civilized way. But make it clear that it's his choice to be polite or not, but the whole family are only prepared to give him one last chance. Otherwise you'll visit over the Christmas period unless he makes plans to be away.

WitchesHatRim · 10/10/2017 12:53

and that SHE has the right to invite, or indeed decline to invite, whomsoever she wishes. Including your FIL.

SHE has said he is invited.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/10/2017 12:56

I'd put forward another option -
You (and your child(ren)) have Christmas day with your Nan and your family and your DH spends it with his DF. If DF asks where you are, his son can tell him that due to DF's behaviour in the past he is no longer welcome and your DH didn't like leaving his DF alone on Christmas day so this is what you've come up with.

Ceto · 10/10/2017 12:58

OP's nan has only said he can come if he has nowhere else to go to, it isn't exactly an invitation, is it? And there is no reason why she should effectively be guilt-tripped into inviting someone who will only spend the time making everyone else miserable.

Ropsleybunny · 10/10/2017 12:59

Why don't you want to offend him? Being old and alone is no excuse for being a rude twat. He has no problem with offending you!

This 100%

User843022 · 10/10/2017 13:01

'He's old and alone and the kids love him.'

Yes and not to excuse his sexist rude behaviour but he is your dh dad.

Why can't you split the day? We often have lunch in one place then head over to others rels for tea or the evening . It is shit when rels are badly behaved but for your kids and dh sake see him at some point on Xmas day. Elderly rels are often cantankerous.

Neolara · 10/10/2017 13:01

I agree with AnnesLoveGilbert. If he is only saying rude things when your dh can't hear, then he knows exactly what he is doing. I think it's fine to call him on it. I would probably go for option 4.

PressPaws · 10/10/2017 13:02

Option 1 isn't 'keeping the peace' though, because it will upset your family. Not fair to keep the peace with one person at the expense of everybody else.

I would go with option 4. And if you're seeing him before then and there are times when you're alone with him, where he would normally be horrible, I'd be recording it on my phone. Your DH can't deny it's happening if he hears it for himself.

heateallthebuns · 10/10/2017 13:02

Has your dh told his dad why no one invites him anymore. If not he should do and then maybe he will stop being so rude. Apart from that I'd go option 4 also. You can't invite him to someone else's house.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2017 13:03

Do Boxing Day - then if, as another poster suggested, he finds a way of not going home, at least your family's Christmas isn't ruined.

Ropsleybunny · 10/10/2017 13:03

I would refuse to have anything further to do with him.

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:05

Option 4 lunch not dinner with a cut off period of 4pm so you can enjoy christmas eve evening with your dh and dc (and have a bath and a soothing evening to recover if he is a nightmare again)

Or boxing day lunch and then you can go out walking (optional for him)

Focus either day on children's games as that is what he is best at, and limit the time you are prepared to have him by ensuring there is a cut off time.

Butterymuffin · 10/10/2017 13:06

Tell him calmly but firmly that he's pissed his chips with your family because he's been so rude in the past, so this year he will have to go elsewhere. DH will have to step up and stop relying on his in laws' goodwill. I too like GetOffMabel's suggested speech. If he doesn't do it in front of his son, he knows what he's doing.

Original poster
Keepingthexmaspeace1 · 10/10/2017 13:13

Thanks. He's fully aware that he's offended my family. My brother had words with him after last Christmas telling him that he's offended his wife (in a nice way)

My dad also called him out on something a few weeks ago and DH mentioned to him that he can't keep interrupting people so he's aware they're not happy with him.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/10/2017 13:15

I agree with Mabel

What outcome would you like though, Op?

When your husband realises that his dad isn't welcome at your family's christmas, will he expect (you?) to host at home?

windowSong · 10/10/2017 13:18

Option 1, because Christmas is about family. Though apparently kindness only extends to nice people if you’re a Mumsnetter.

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:18

Why is the fil old?? Is he op? What’s old? I am a gran and mil and dh is s grandad and fil. We are 50 so not old thankyou very much.

Anyway being old is no excuse being rude unless he has something like altzimers and clearly he hasn’t he’s just a nasty mysogynistic rude bloke.

My sister is rude and nasty too. She has 2 degrees and said to me last Christmas ‘oh dear stop trying to debate things you don’t understand and pour me a glass’ all said with a laugh. I had cooked a massive dinner and of course she’s a veggi so needed a special dinner to herself. My 18 year old dd told her ‘you know aunty... you really are a rude ungrateful bitch.’ Classic!

Guess whose not invited this year

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/10/2017 13:19

He's fully aware that he's offended my family

In that case, is there any chance that your DH will carefully explain, in front of you, exactly what will be expected if he hopes to come again - and also make it quite clear that if he doesn't agree willingly he won't be going?

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:21

window

So do you behave appallingly and expect everyone else to suck it up dear?

Holy fuck are you my sister? Wink

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/10/2017 13:21

Or, if your dh fails to step up, you have little to lose by using FiL's own tactic .....be forthright with your FiL when your dh is not around. "My family do not want to spend xmas with you because you are not pleasant to them. You have been rude over and over again and you have exhausted their goodwill. If you really want to be included, I could try to persuade them to give you one last chance but, if you are not Mr Sunshine all day, you will never be asked again. I know you can be lovely because I see how you are with the children. Let me know what you decide"
If he complains about you to your dh, you smile sweetly and say he must have got the wrong end of the stick. Two can play at that game!

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 10/10/2017 13:26

I think I luffs you @mabel Grin