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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD accused of being a bully

154 replies

Schoolgatemom · 09/10/2017 19:16

Recently got a text from a mum at school telling me that her DD (12) was being verbally abused by my DD (12), that it was going on for weeks, could I please talk to my DD. Of course I was horrified and spoke to my DD who was also horrified. She denied it and cried herself to sleep saying she couldn't believe her friend could accuse her of bullying. Anyway, I contacted the school, spoke to counsellor who spoke to my daughter and confirmed that my DD "does not fully understand what she is doing that is not syncing well' with this girl and that she would benefit from sitting down and talking to this other girl. Counsellor proposed a meeting with herself and 2 girls (neutral person, neutral setting) but other parents refused. They told the counsellor that my DD "is fully aware of what is going on and they just want it to stop". My DD approached the other girl herself and asked for clarification, she was told that the comment she made last week about this girl finishing her lunch quickly was made 'in a bullying way.' DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation. Since then nothing more has been mentioned but my DD has woken up at night with bad dreams about this girl and has developed physical ticks (which she does when she is stressed). The other parents obviously don't want to engage but I feel that my DD has been treated unfairly. They dropped a bombshell on our family and then walked away. My DD has been deprived of any chance to clear her name or refute the accusations. Any advice?

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 09/10/2017 19:19

Well that sucks. I can see why you are so upset.
I think I would try and let it go though. You aren't going to get anywhere with the other parent and from a teens pov it's probably a case of least said, soonest mended.

MargaretTwatyer · 09/10/2017 19:20

I imagine your daughter somewhat 'dropped a bomb' on their family with the bullying.

TeenTimesTwo · 09/10/2017 19:20

Tell your DD to avoid the other girl.
Not being pointed and rude, but don't search her out or make any unnecessary conversation.

Sandsunsea · 09/10/2017 19:21

You could maybe counterattack the family with an accusation of defamation.

Subtlecheese · 09/10/2017 19:22

They sound very alarmist don't they. It's been going on for weeks turned out to be a comment about lunch.
I'd give them a wide berth.

Wolfiefan · 09/10/2017 19:23

They shouldn't be texting you. It's at school. Let the school deal.
Your DD shouldn't be approaching the other girl. This child feels bullied. So your DD needs to leave her alone.
I can't believe an 11 year old can't understand that words can hurt and that hers did to this child. Really?!

Teawithtoast · 09/10/2017 19:24

The parents say it's been going on for weeks. If the girl is being bullied by your DD, she's obviously going to play it down if confronted by her.

user1488397844 · 09/10/2017 19:25

I can see it from both sides, you as a parent are horrified this could have been going on and rightly have spoken to your child about this. However, if your child has made comments that are unkind towards this girl, and repeatedly, then it's unlikely she would want to sit in the same room and discuss it. The fact the other child has spoken to their parent suggests it's more than just an unintentional comment so either your child has done more than shes willing to admit to, or the other child for whatever reason is trying to get your child into trouble for no reason. Regardless I think its best left now and not brought up again unless there are further issues. Nobody wants to think their child has been a bully but teenage girls are horrible to eachother.

StepAwayFromCake · 09/10/2017 19:25

I am in no way making any kind of 'diagnosis', but this sort of social difficulty and the subsequent stress-reactions made me think immediately of ASD.

Birdsgottafly · 09/10/2017 19:26

"DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation"

Have you talked that bit through with your DD?

I think it's awful that schools make a victim of bullying engage with the bully. We wouldn't do it with Adults.

The only thing that you can say to your DD is that she doesn't have to speak to everyone and there is no reason from now on to engage with this girl.

TabbyMumz · 09/10/2017 19:27

Perhaps the comment about her finishing her lunch quickly was one of a number of comments that had been going on for weeks, like the other child said. Do you know what the comment actually was? Perhaps it wasn't as innocent as you think. I don't really understand your Aibu. Your daughter has allegedly been bullying a child /children for weeks, but doesn't understand she is doing it? If I was one of the other parents, think I too would refuse the meeting. If she is bullying then, it does just need to stop. Just because she doesnt understand she is doing it, does not mean it isn't happening? My daughter was also bullied for weeks / months and surprise surprise, that girl didn't think she was a bully either.

Dustbunny1900 · 09/10/2017 19:27

Finishing lunch quickly?? I don't get it. Did your daughter or the counselor tell you about anything else that was supposedly said in a bullying way?
You've made the effort and your dd has apologized and asked for clarification and there's nothing more you can do it seems. Just try and avoid this other girl and move on. Trust me I know how hurtful it can be with you feel you've been falsely accused, but I dont see any other option than to just move past. The counselor backs up that your dds "bullying" was unintentional. Kids talk before they really think everything through

Birdsgottafly · 09/10/2017 19:28

"They sound very alarmist don't they. It's been going on for weeks turned out to be a comment about lunch. "

Of course it isn't a comment about lunch, as said if you are approached by your abuser, you play it down.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 19:29

One of life's little harsh lessons

I would advise DD to keep her distance and stay polite but keep verbal interactions to a minimum

If she does that the dust can settle

Maybe the girl is has issues , maybe she is insecure - we just don't know

Tell your DD this too shall pass and to ensure she had you to listen to her Flowers

I'd leave it with the schu for now and see what unfurls

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 19:29

Don't automatically believe either your DD or the girl for now . Watch and wait ...

House4 · 09/10/2017 19:30

I agree with Notthernlurker. It's sometimes the hardest thing to do but try to leave it.
From your end you can

  1. Explain to your daughter life isn't fair sometimes, just get on with the next day.
  2. Sometimes things we say can get misenterpreted
  3. Stay well clear of the girl until it settles down.
  4. This one is for you - they will prob be best friends again in a month!!
Had this with my son and you can only guide them. It was all ok in the end because he IS a NICE BOY! Time will even it out. The schools have a way of interpreting things and dealing with them that seem so unjust!
Teawithtoast · 09/10/2017 19:31

I think the counsellor has only sought to arrange a meeting, not commented on the matter one way or another.

KERALA1 · 09/10/2017 19:32

Hmm why would the other family make false bullying accusations? They might be over sensitive weirdos but the more likely explanation is the simple one isn't it?

A child caught bullying will be minimising like mad - as she is doing.

FuckShitJackFairy · 09/10/2017 19:35

Your dd can't stop doing something she doesn't know she's been doing. School need to address this as it's during their time. I agree that making the victim sit down with the perpetrator isn't right but school should be finding out what and when your dd has been doing. Either it's made up lies, unintensional on your dd's part or it's intensional but school clarifying with the victim what exactly has been said will shine light on which is more likely.

sonjadog · 09/10/2017 19:35

One comment at lunch does not equal it going on for weeks. There is more to this than you are being told. The lunch comment might have been the final straw in a long line of personal comments. In any case, all your daughter needs to do now is leave this girl alone. No more personal comments about her at all.

Jeezimacasalinga · 09/10/2017 19:36

Agree wholeheartedly with Kerala

LewisThere · 09/10/2017 19:36

Is it possible for her to go and see the counsellor at school a few more times so she can talk to someone about this big worry?

Agree about just avoiding the girl too.

bridgetreilly · 09/10/2017 19:36

I do think it would help for you to get some more information. I would talk to your daughter's form teacher/head of year and ask for some specifics about what the bullying behaviour has consisted of. Then you need to talk to your daughter and explain what she's been doing that has upset the other girl.

RubyWinterstorm · 09/10/2017 19:37

a simple observation about finishing lunch quickly?

Now if the girl in question is sensitive about her weight, and has had her weight , looks and eating habits pointed out by other girls, such as your DD, this would not be "just a simple observation"...

I don't buy it, and neither should you. Most people don't make a bullying accusation lightly. Think about it. Why would they make this up? why?

Boulshired · 09/10/2017 19:37

I do think that if I child is accused of bullying then the family should at least give the school an explanation and examples of the actions. How can your DD understand what she has done.