DD accused of being a bully

[Schoolgatemom]

Recently got a text from a mum at school telling me that her DD (12) was being verbally abused by my DD (12), that it was going on for weeks, could I please talk to my DD. Of course I was horrified and spoke to my DD who was also horrified. She denied it and cried herself to sleep saying she couldn't believe her friend could accuse her of bullying. Anyway, I contacted the school, spoke to counsellor who spoke to my daughter and confirmed that my DD "does not fully understand what she is doing that is not syncing well' with this girl and that she would benefit from sitting down and talking to this other girl. Counsellor proposed a meeting with herself and 2 girls (neutral person, neutral setting) but other parents refused. They told the counsellor that my DD "is fully aware of what is going on and they just want it to stop". My DD approached the other girl herself and asked for clarification, she was told that the comment she made last week about this girl finishing her lunch quickly was made 'in a bullying way.' DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation. Since then nothing more has been mentioned but my DD has woken up at night with bad dreams about this girl and has developed physical ticks (which she does when she is stressed). The other parents obviously don't want to engage but I feel that my DD has been treated unfairly. They dropped a bombshell on our family and then walked away. My DD has been deprived of any chance to clear her name or refute the accusations. Any advice?

The situation here is not the same necessarily as your child's situation

Not necessarily?? This situation is 100% categorically NOTHING like my child's situation. Stop trying to discredit my opinion by inferring that I am projecting

The Op's child has tics when she's stressed. She's had them before if I understand the OP's first post.

Stress, anxiety and tiredness, embarrassment, excitement and other strong emotions cause tics. Anyone can have tics, although children can be bullied because of having them. Didn't Hitler have them?

(Not saying Op's child is like Hitler - just that anyone can have them!)

OP there are a few possible scenarios here.

a) Your dd is a bully and intentionally upset this girl. It's not nice to think about but I think the you need to come up with a plan to make sure it doesn't happen again.

b) Your dd wasn't intending to be mean but her choice of words isn't great. The school should be helping to resolve this, individually not with the other girl, as they've noticed the pattern and it's very difficult to sort out from home.

c) Your dd hasn't said anything upsetting and it's this girl who is misinterpreting what is said. You can't do anything about the other girl but if you find out what the comments are you can work with your dd to make sure similar doesn't occur.

d) the other girl is making it up in order to bully your dd. Before anyone scoffs, it does happen. It's just the next stage up from having two gorillas as back up. Instead using school staff to facilitate the bullying.

In any senario I think your dd should stay away from her. I'd put them in order of likelihood as b, a, c, d. B only came first because of what you said the school councillor said to you. I've seen all of these played it in real life. All things being equal the most likely is a.

My thought would be that there is clearly something going on between these two children that they need help resolving, they are still at the age where parents have to teach the right behaviour and correct missteps, this process starts when they are toddlers and continues into the teenage years and sometimes beyond. What can be learned from this situation and taught to both of these children so that it doesnt happen again either between them or with anyone else?

I think I would want to sit down with the school and understand as much as possible of what has been said or done that had upset the other child so that then at home I could sit down with my child and help her understand how to navigate forward so this upsetting situation didnt happen again. Both with taking responsibility for her actions and words and also understanding how things can be taken out of context and how to manage through that.

Things do go wrong and children can make bad decisions, the important thing is to learn from an experience and act in a better way in the future