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Original poster

DD accused of being a bully

154 replies

Schoolgatemom · 09/10/2017 19:16

Recently got a text from a mum at school telling me that her DD (12) was being verbally abused by my DD (12), that it was going on for weeks, could I please talk to my DD. Of course I was horrified and spoke to my DD who was also horrified. She denied it and cried herself to sleep saying she couldn't believe her friend could accuse her of bullying. Anyway, I contacted the school, spoke to counsellor who spoke to my daughter and confirmed that my DD "does not fully understand what she is doing that is not syncing well' with this girl and that she would benefit from sitting down and talking to this other girl. Counsellor proposed a meeting with herself and 2 girls (neutral person, neutral setting) but other parents refused. They told the counsellor that my DD "is fully aware of what is going on and they just want it to stop". My DD approached the other girl herself and asked for clarification, she was told that the comment she made last week about this girl finishing her lunch quickly was made 'in a bullying way.' DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation. Since then nothing more has been mentioned but my DD has woken up at night with bad dreams about this girl and has developed physical ticks (which she does when she is stressed). The other parents obviously don't want to engage but I feel that my DD has been treated unfairly. They dropped a bombshell on our family and then walked away. My DD has been deprived of any chance to clear her name or refute the accusations. Any advice?

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 09/10/2017 20:24

Whilst many bullies deny bullying, it is also true that teenagers do make unfounded accusations too (as do adults, but teens at least have the mitigation of not fully comprehending how terrible it is). The OP's DD has a right to know what she is accused of and defend herself, or to be given space and have no blame attached. In what kind of adult setting would it be okay to drag someone's character through the mud without letting them question it?

fizzthecat1 · 09/10/2017 20:24

OP I knew a few bullies at school and if they were accused there is NO WAY they would admit it to their parents. They'd completely manipulate them. How do you know she's having night terrors etc. Are you in the room with her?

mogonfoxnight · 09/10/2017 20:25

She was just clever at doing it very discreetly. It was two girls who came forward (part of her entourage) who shopped her. They were sickened by their friend’s shitty behaviour

But here the OP's daughter is showing signs of extreme stress, crying, ticks, not sleeping, not really the behaviour of someone bullying on purpose.

I was part of a mediation at work once between 2 secretaries, and bullying was mentioned. It was apparent afterwards that both sides felt exactly the same, and were even using similar words to describe how they were feeling about what was going on. I think it happens a lot in life, if you feel really upset about how someone is acting to you, or something you think they have done, chances are they are upset too, unless they are doing it on purpose, and you can't assume they are. Here there are two young children and it appears neither are doing it on purpose and they need adults to help to unravel what is going on. OP I think you should say that in a letter to the other parents, and say it is their choice whether they want to take up the offer of the "mediation", but that if not, in future they should contact the school with exact specifics to allow the issues to be dealt with fairly. Then help your daughter de stress, talk about hurting people's feelings without meaning to, and put it behind you until something concrete comes up.

PaleAzureofSummer · 09/10/2017 20:31

Hmm why would the other family make false bullying accusations? They might be over sensitive weirdos but the more likely explanation is the simple one isn't it?

A child caught bullying will be minimising like mad - as she is doing

I'm another one who agrees with Kerala's post above.

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 20:33

mogon

I would not advise talking to the other parents. She can't control how they feel about it. This isn't a court of law and the OP doesn't have to clear her name. The aim is to stop whatever is going on, in order to help both parties.

I agree that what's going on between the girls needs to be unravelled.

Telling the parents how to tackle this would be construed very badly by them. It makes as large an assumption about what has happened as they have made.

SuperBeagle · 09/10/2017 20:34

I was accused of bullying a girl into an eating disorder at a similar age.

I was so horrified by it, and the atrocious way that the school handled it (getting 12 "neutral" students, including the girl's brother, to sit in on a meeting with the girl and me) that I never mentioned to my mother until a couple of years ago.

I unequivocally did not bully this girl, who clearly had a lot of underlying issues and issues in her home-life (which she was open about). Her accusations made the school situation so miserable that I ended up moving schools not long after.

Yes, most people accused of bullying probably are bullies, but for those who aren't, and the accusations are unfounded, it's a terrible accusation to make and can have a long-term impact on the accused person.

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 20:35

Super

Yes. That is terrible.

Worriedaboutboy · 09/10/2017 20:36

I was bullied at school. One of the girls tried to add me on FB a few years ago. Silly twat. She obviously had no idea that she'd done something wrong back then. She was blocked as were her gang of slappers. I spose my point is is that do bullies know they are bullying? Fine line between banter and bullying.

Armadillostoes · 09/10/2017 20:41

Someone really do have problems with logic. It is true that bullies deny being bullies but it doesn't follow that anyone who denies being a bully is a bully. Innocent people tens to deny it as well!

mogonfoxnight · 09/10/2017 20:42

notagainyoda the other parents have contacted the OP direct, so I think it is appropriate for the OP to respond to say that she has done what she can, there has been an offer of mediation (or whatever you want to call it) with the school and that if they don't want to go ahead with it, please contact the school in future (rather than the OP). I am not sure what a court of law has to do with it. I wouldn't contact another parent over this sort of thing, but I would respond to a parent if they contacted me first.

LaughingElliot · 09/10/2017 20:43

A great percentage of children (and adults) don’t understand what bullying is. Some children’s idea of being friendly can be construed by another as bullying.

Is the behaviour deliberately hurtful? Is it repeated? Then it is bullying.

It could be a misunderstanding on both sides here, after all they are still learning to communicate effectively.

But either way, the parents were foolish to go straight for the jugular by contacting you. Should have gone to school.

But so many schools don’t understand bullying either (or workplaces, or adults...)

Finland is onto it, they use a programme called Kiva which is so successful that bullying is almost non existent in high schools there now.

CoveredInFondant · 09/10/2017 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 20:44

mogon

The parents know there's been an offer of mediation.

I am pretty sure that they will have been told to contact the school in future, byt the school

Engaging further with them will just smack of defensiveness

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 20:48

... I mentioned court of law because I think that what the OP would hope for would be a clear cut 'not guilty' consensus and that might not happen

mogonfoxnight · 09/10/2017 20:51

notagainyoda why are you pretty sure they will have been asked to contact the school in future by the school? I don't think it is defensive at all to respond directly to someone who has contacted you.

FuckShitJackFairy · 09/10/2017 20:51

A friend of mine was accused of bullying as a teen. By her bully. Who was the sister of the boy who raped her. She turned an entire group of girls against my friend calling her a slut and whore and taunting her and threatening her. When my friend was found to be pregnant the whole thing came out, followed by this man being locked up for rape (for a 8 years, which is alot under our pitiful system). The girl bullied my friend much worse after the court case and finally made calulated accusations of bullying against my friend including a 'diary' she had been keeping of all the apparant incidents and 'witness' statements from her friends. My friend then tried to kill herself shortly after. Thankfully school/hcp/sw involved believed my friend. She has allways said that the bullying this girl did along with being accused of bullying by her had a much worse effect on her than the trauma of being raped at 14 (which was hugely traumatic ofcourse, including the heartbreak that her first ever kiss was forced on her by this man).

Not entirely relevant i know and not saying this is the case here but the comments that all bullies would say that remind me of my friends confusion and shock at being accused of bullying by her tormentor. (I first met her between the rape and this accusation).

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 20:52

mogon

Ok. That's fine. I wouldn't do it myself. They shouldn't have done it and she could be compounding that mistake.

Off to watch TV now

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 09/10/2017 20:53

A group of girls were caught bullying my daughter. One of the girl's blames my daughter for getting her into trouble. I was caught bullying you so it's your fault I'm in trouble was her initial mindset. Within a few weeks it changed into You lied to get me into trouble .

The girl's parents felt their daughter was being victimised by the school. Their daughter was very upset about her punishment. There was more bullying of other children. The parents have removed her from the school.

I can't believe the girl or her parents really believe it's everyone else's fault. The self-delusion is baffling.

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 20:53

... I work in a school.

mogonfoxnight · 09/10/2017 20:55

notagainyoda I had assumed that the OP wanted to help her daughter be happy, get on with others, manage feelings, etc. Not sure where "not guilty" comes in?

ZerbaPadnaTigre · 09/10/2017 21:00

I've seen grown adults willingly engaging in banter and it ending in tears when somebody takes it too far. It doesn't have to be either DD is a bully or the other girl is lying. It's possible for words to cause hurt without that being the intention. That's why OP really needs to find out exactly what's been said.

Ttbb · 09/10/2017 22:04

What a bunch of twats. You should advise your daughter that a lot of people of her generation and their parents are incredibly oversensitive so it is wise to just avoid these kinds of people and to mind one's manners (I.e. Don't make observations about people that you don't know intimately).

NotAgainYoda · 10/10/2017 06:31

Look at the last sentence of the OP

Pengggwn · 10/10/2017 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lelloteddy · 10/10/2017 07:11

The best way for your daughter to be able to refute these allegations is to stop any contact with the other child. I think you need to make it VERY clear to her that if she approaches her again, in an attempt to clear her name, she is adding weight to the accusations against her. Tell her to steer clear. And hopefully that will be the end of it.