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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD accused of being a bully

154 replies

Schoolgatemom · 09/10/2017 19:16

Recently got a text from a mum at school telling me that her DD (12) was being verbally abused by my DD (12), that it was going on for weeks, could I please talk to my DD. Of course I was horrified and spoke to my DD who was also horrified. She denied it and cried herself to sleep saying she couldn't believe her friend could accuse her of bullying. Anyway, I contacted the school, spoke to counsellor who spoke to my daughter and confirmed that my DD "does not fully understand what she is doing that is not syncing well' with this girl and that she would benefit from sitting down and talking to this other girl. Counsellor proposed a meeting with herself and 2 girls (neutral person, neutral setting) but other parents refused. They told the counsellor that my DD "is fully aware of what is going on and they just want it to stop". My DD approached the other girl herself and asked for clarification, she was told that the comment she made last week about this girl finishing her lunch quickly was made 'in a bullying way.' DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation. Since then nothing more has been mentioned but my DD has woken up at night with bad dreams about this girl and has developed physical ticks (which she does when she is stressed). The other parents obviously don't want to engage but I feel that my DD has been treated unfairly. They dropped a bombshell on our family and then walked away. My DD has been deprived of any chance to clear her name or refute the accusations. Any advice?

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2017 22:59

Tea I did not say I believed the daughter.

Although it is my understanding that children who suffer from tics are more likely to be a target of bullies than the bully.

I cannot know from the OP's post whether her dd is doing any bullying however...

Mumsnet is for support and the OP (and not the other family) are posting here

The other parent approached the OP direct, not really advisable IMHO

The OP and her dd were willing to do as school advised

I am furiously anti bullying. I hate it.

But I am not daft enough to assume everyone who claims to be the victim of bullying is actually the target of that bullying.

Lots of people who have been bullied or whose children have been bullied are rightly upset. But that doesn't mean we can know the OP's dd is a bully.

OP posted for support. Some responses here are shameful, IMHO, assuming the 'guilt' of this girl based on an accusation.

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2017 23:02

bluebird puts it more eloquently than me.

mogonfoxnight · 12/10/2017 08:24

I get the feeling that some of the posters on this thread know the OP because of what they are saying (you have to leave the other girl alone now, don't expect them to engage, any contact will be seen as harrasment etc) and because the OP hasn't come back to the thread. Or maybe there had been a previous thread which other people recognised.

Whatever the situation is, I hope that people are getting the right help in real life.

By the way, it is all very well saying "leave the girl alone" but that could also be construed as exclusion and bullying.

DressedCrab · 12/10/2017 08:41

By the way, it is all very well saying "leave the girl alone" but that could also be construed as exclusion and bullying.

This happened my niece. A girl in her class decided she didn't like her and tried to get the others to turn against her. When they didn't she claimed DN was a bully. Her mother was up nearly every day with imagined slights. In the end DN's mum told her to just keep away from the girl and to leave any game she joined in with to avoid conflict. The mother complained about that as well but this time the teachers backed DN.

Italiangreyhound · 12/10/2017 17:53

mogonfoxnight I don' think there is any suggestion people know the OP, just that they are advising her.

Some are assuming her dd has done what she is accused of.

I don't blame the OP for not coming back, she's had some horrible comments on here.

mogonfoxnight · 12/10/2017 21:51

Italian do you not? You may or may not be right!

Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2017 02:26

mogonfoxnight indeed. I am always willing to admit I may be wrong. I just think the OP has had some mean comments so don't blame her not coming back.

MinervaSaidThar · 13/10/2017 05:11

The parents of the other girl seem very keen to brush it all side given they think this has been going on 'for weeks'.

And given your DD's reaction, I would be imclined to believe her that it was just this one comment.

Probably not the right thing to do, but I would be tempted to text the mum and say 'as you don't want the children to meet to discuss this, I can only conclude that you realise that my dd did not bully your child. Next tim I would appreciate it if you contact the school directly with any issues and not contact me.'

teenage girls are horrible to eachother.

Can we stop with the generalisations please? Me and friends were never horrible to anyone as teens. We did receive some mild sexual abuse from some boys. Why don't you generalise about that.

MinervaSaidThar · 13/10/2017 05:22

OP, that fact is that your dd did not deny what she has said.

So she should accept that regardless of her intent, she has hurt someone's feelings and needs to think before she speaks.

believeitornot why should DD deny it? It sounds like there has been a misunderstanding between the girls. OP's DD was quite mature and approached the other girl to apologise that her remark coud have caused hurt feelings.

It would be worse for OP's DD to become so afraid of being misconstrued all the time and go into her shell.

JonSnowsWife · 13/10/2017 06:14

If you are still reading. Do not do this OP.

Schools deal with conflicts every day.

Leave them to do their job!

mogonfoxnight · 13/10/2017 08:02

Italian you say I just think the OP has had some mean comments so don't blame her not coming back I agree with you, that some of the comments were accusatory and judgemental, though many have been supportive. I would not have been at all happy to receive some of these comments for sure. But as you may have seen I was also supportive of the OP because she had come on for support.

I am curious though - Isetan and Megabus, are you involved in this situation in RL?

Isetan · 13/10/2017 08:30

Why would you think I was involved in this issue in RL? If the OP’s DD struggles with social interaction, then focusing on the other child or the alleged ‘injustice’ will not help her and surely helping her DD is the priority.

The focus should be on the children involved, not the egos and hurt feelings of the adults. The parents of the girl were wrong to contact the OP directly and the OP and her DD would be equally in the wrong, by pursuing this further without the schools involvement

Focussing on the negatives of this situation makes it harder to profit from the positives, namely supporting a young girl’s journey in navigating relationships.

mogonfoxnight · 13/10/2017 09:09

Thanks for the reply. It was because I thought that there was a certainty in your belief that the OP's dd needed help with social interaction, rather than both children needing help, even though the school had suggested discussion. And also that contact would be construed as harassment.

I think i have read the OP differently from you. I didn't see the OP as wanting justice for her hurt feelings, I saw it more that her dd was now in an awkward situation at school and she wanted advice about how to move things forward. I didn't think the primary focus was on the justice element, but it is quite serious to be accused of bullying and it could affect the OP's dd at school quite significantly. The school had indicated that talking would be good, and from that I took that both girls would benefit from help with navigating relationships and seeing other points of view, rather than there being a classic bullying situation, where talking would not have helped at all.

In relation to harassment, I think it would depend on how the OP replied, not whether she replied. But I agree that it should be the school dealing with any future things.

Anyway, thanks again for the reply!

MinervaSaidThar · 13/10/2017 11:07

Leave them to do their job!

Well, they're not doing a very good job if OP's DD has developed a tick due to stress and is having bad dreams.

JonSnowsWife · 13/10/2017 12:25

@Minerva please read some of my posts on this thread. My DD had severe bullying problems. The bully would always say that my Dd was bullying them.

I am not saying that is what is happening here but the school have been doing their job - they do seem to be on top of it re the counsellors and everything and it wasn't a one-off comment.

Going direct to the parents just causes more issues, we all love our children very much (okay most of us who aren't shitbags) and are naturally protective. This is why it is immediately confrontational to do this, which is why the schools don't encourage it. My DD was put some through horrendous shit. I never once approached the parent.

The other girls parents are in the wrong for doing that here, and that should be an issue the OP brings up with the school. But texting back will just make it snowball even further.

Italiangreyhound · 14/10/2017 22:16

mogonfoxnight it's great you are being supportive. I don't think I was passing any comments on people who were being supportive.

What I find interesting is what people extrapolate from what is said. Eg the other girl, or her parents said it was going for a while, implying definitely more than one comment; yet some posters are assuming it was definitely not just a one-off comment.

sukitea · 14/10/2017 22:39

Obviously no one at this stage knows what has gone on during school. I will say though we had a terrible year with a child in dd's class whose mother seemed to have serious issues concerning the obsession she had with her daughter being not just bullied, but persecuted. This (poor) child had been led to believe that everyone not pandering to her wants was bullying. Examples were things like not playing the game she wanted every time, not getting the class bear when she wanted, not being chosen in PE. The teachers were bullying her too Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when she left.

Megabus · 15/10/2017 09:05

The girl in this situation hasn't said everyone is bullying her though. Only that OPs daughter is

Someone commented up thread that we should support OP and her dd, as it is her that has posted, not the other mother. Bullying has had a horrific effect on our family. I absolutely will not support a bully. IME the bullies and their parents ALWAYS present as wide-eyed and shocked at the accusations of bullying. Because it is normal behaviour for them.

Megabus · 15/10/2017 09:08

Plus, in this instance the family aren't even asking for punishment or investigation. They just want OPs dd to leave theirs alone. For whatever reason, if someone wants you to leave them alone, then leave them alone

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2017 09:59

It' terrible your family has been affected by bullying Megabus.

I also expect most bullies do protest they are not guilty.

But it does not mean everyone who is accused of bullying is a bully.

People upthread have said his they were bullied by being accused of being bullies!

sukitea · 15/10/2017 10:09

Megabus I used my example to show that some parents are hypersensitive to the concept of what bullying constitutes and are labelling/accusing children of being bullies, when they are not. We don't have any idea if that is the OP's case though.

Megabus · 15/10/2017 10:36

Yes, it is ALWAYS..'Sorry, sympathy, that's awful, blah blah, BUT.....'

People upthread have said his they were bullied by being accused of being bullies!*

Yawn....Yes it's a perfect come back, isn't it. It's VERY common for bullies to say this

We don't have any idea if that is the OP's case though

No we don't. We don't know if 'bully' is an accurate descriptor. The other girls has ONLY asked to be left alone, so it's irrelevant.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 15/10/2017 11:22

It's a bit like all the 'fake' rape cases. Just because it can't be proved then the victim is lying and making it all up. It's possible the bullied girl is lying - but it's much, much more likely she isn't.

Some people don't seem to recognise that repeatedly making someone upset by teasing/banter isn't nice behaviour. Constantly making jokes at someone else's expense isn't nice. Bullying doesn't have to be physical. I think this is what might have happened with the OP's child,

It's similar to the emotional aspect of domestic abuse. It is still abuse.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 15/10/2017 11:38

Some of the children that bullied my daughter had to be taught at school that what they were doing was bullying. They didn't identify themselves as bullies. They had to be taught to think about how they would feel if someone did the same thing to them.

In their eyes - my daughter getting upset was her fault. She got upset to get them into trouble; she was a crybaby making a fuss. They were just having fun - whilst my daughter was hysterically upset with tears streaming down her face!

I can't really believe they were that unaware of what they were doing. I think their parents would prefer to believe my daughter is oversensitive rather than how horrible their children were. Luckily it was witnessed by other children and staff. It couldn't be brushed under the carpet.

The ringleader was moved to a different school after getting in more trouble for bullying other children; her parents believe she has been victimised by staff and other children trying to get her into trouble. The bullying of my daughter seems to have stopped and the school seems more vigilant.

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2017 11:45

Megabus no one is defending bullying, that I can see. The OP's dd has tics, these are very rare and I do 't think are associated with people being bullies. More likely with people being bullied.

The situation here is not the same necessarily as your child's situation.

OP I wish you and your dd all the best as you navigate this minefield.

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