DD accused of being a bully

[Schoolgatemom]

Recently got a text from a mum at school telling me that her DD (12) was being verbally abused by my DD (12), that it was going on for weeks, could I please talk to my DD. Of course I was horrified and spoke to my DD who was also horrified. She denied it and cried herself to sleep saying she couldn't believe her friend could accuse her of bullying. Anyway, I contacted the school, spoke to counsellor who spoke to my daughter and confirmed that my DD "does not fully understand what she is doing that is not syncing well' with this girl and that she would benefit from sitting down and talking to this other girl. Counsellor proposed a meeting with herself and 2 girls (neutral person, neutral setting) but other parents refused. They told the counsellor that my DD "is fully aware of what is going on and they just want it to stop". My DD approached the other girl herself and asked for clarification, she was told that the comment she made last week about this girl finishing her lunch quickly was made 'in a bullying way.' DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation. Since then nothing more has been mentioned but my DD has woken up at night with bad dreams about this girl and has developed physical ticks (which she does when she is stressed). The other parents obviously don't want to engage but I feel that my DD has been treated unfairly. They dropped a bombshell on our family and then walked away. My DD has been deprived of any chance to clear her name or refute the accusations. Any advice?

Keep contact with the girl to a minimum. Polite,but definitely not demanding more explanations.
If she is bullied,that would only make things worse.
If she wasn't, the constant questioning could become bullying/be seen as such by school/her parents.

If the counsellor knows that your DD doesn't understand fully what's going on then the counsellor knows what she's accused of. The other girl/her parents don't need to be involved for the counsellor to tell you/your DD what the other girl is saying she's said. Have you asked the school for examples?

The thing is no one on here as any idea of what has happened before.
No one knows if the OP dd is a bully or not and assuming she is isn't right IMO.

It could also be that the other girl has an issue with the dd for whatever reason, that she herself is a bully who lied or that she used the dd as a get out of jail card....

Hence the fact I think the best bet would be more session with the counsellor and avoiding in the girl in question.

We had something similar. But there were various different girls accused. Turned out the child concerned was going home and realising she could get attention from saying people were saying things etc.

It ended with me exploding when the child’s mother made a comment about another mother and I let rip about how these girls were constantly being pulled up yet they hadn’t done anything. I had to walk away as I was so upset. Next day mum was waiting for me at ballet and had talked to her husband and realised they had blown everything out of proportion as their Dd was playing up to it when she realised that she could get attention.

But it could have been a lot nastier.

I would engage with the school over it and support your Dd.

Actually the question of whether the parents have involved the school or if they have just contacted the OP is an interesting too.

Because if there is bullying going on, I would have expected the school to take more actions than just the counselling.

I think you need to speak to the school again. Clearly they know more and it’s more than one comment if it’s being said to go on for weeks. Because the girl did not want to engage and tell your daughter doesn’t mean it was limited to that one comment, or even that your daughter is telling you the whole story.

Speak to the school again and try to get a better picture on what’s been happening. The girl is saying she’s being bullied for a reason, and it could be a run of barbed comments that have upset her, but your daughter, as the school says doesn’t understand.

The action taking by the school suggests to me this isn't as cut and dried as some posters are claiming. There are lots of reasons to say you are being bullied. Being bullied is only one of those reasons.

The advice about avoiding the other girl could easily lead to more accusations of bullying through exclusion. This happened in my DD old friendship group, one girl accoused another of bullying, it left the others having to choose sides as the two in conflict could not be together, this led to more accusations of bullying by both girls.

I think the ops dd knows how bullied kids feel.

Hmm. There could be a lot going on here that you don't seem to acknowledge. Of course your dd is going to say she has no idea what other girl is talking about. Of course she is going to be mortified and devastated if she's accused of bullying. And chances are she genuinely believes she hasn't been bullying. But there's a lot of ways dcs can engage in bullying-type behaviour without actually openly saying anything nasty.

It all depends in the tone.
In private in a quiet gentle tone, sitting down Hey X. I'm really upset that you feel like I'm bullying you. Tell me what I said that upset you. I want to sort it out (Means I'm sorry. Lets fix this.)

Versus exactly the same words in front of a big group of friends in a confrontational tone of voice standing face to face means Dont you dare complain about this or I'll make life really unpleasant for you.

I can imagine that Oh my God did you see how quickly X ate that meal. said in a sneering tone to friends with sniggers and whispers would imply a lot.

I'd tell your dd to avoid other girl, not try to talk to her and be much more aware of how the way she's behaving can come across

We have been through similar and I totally agree with Groovee. When DD was (unjustly) accused of similar, we did two things:
Sought absolute clarity from School
Strongly advised DD to avoid contact with her accuser, wherever possible.

It was a horrible time. We got through it by being absolutely honest with everyone and supporting DD with love and understanding.

op, I would say to your dd this time (and this time only) that you will take her word about this, but there is to be absolutely no more comments at lunch and elsewhere to this girl from now on. You expect her to be kind and courteous and to keep her distance. I would discourage any kind of communication beyond greetings.

If the other girl has taken offence to your dd's comment then the right thing was to apologise and move on. I would be firm but kind and talk about why the other girl may have taken it badly and how a passing comment might trigger a reaction in some people, this is not necessarily your dd's fault, but happens in life. I would also make it clear how you would feel if these comments were intended unkindly.

Your dd doesn't need to clear her name, don't allow this to become bigger than it is. If she is usually a kind and well like girl it won't change over a small incident like this.

I would reassure your dd that you trust her to handle this gently for the next few weeks and to keep away from the other girl. The other parents will be relieved it has been resolved and this will blow over is my guess.

MargaretTwatyer you've no evidence that the OP's daughter has bullied anyone. What a crap comment.

Wolfiefan "I can't believe an 11 year old can't understand that words can hurt and that hers did to this child. Really?!" Just because we all know words can hurt doesn't mean we would know that an innocent comment may hurt someone's feelings. Maybe it was not an innocent comment, but either way it was not something going on for weeks and the OP's dd's experience sounds dreadful.

OP please encourage your dd to avoid this girl, not to attempt to make friends etc or be nice as anything could be misconstrued.

I think House4 has excellent advice.

RubyWinterstorm "Think about it. Why would they make this up? why?"

There may be all kinds of reasons why the OP's daughter or the other girl would lie. However, I really do not think the *OP's daughter could be putting on the response her end, so either she genuinely did not realise she was doing anything wrong or she was not doing something wrong. The idea that teenagers don't ever lie is just bizarre. I think teenagers do lie sometimes.

Good luck OP.

You seem to be taking the counsellor’s observation that your dd doesn’t fully understand what she’s doing that isn’t syncing as proof that the other girl is seeing something that isn’t there; rather than your dd just not understanding the effect of her actions, op?

I would talk to the counsellor again, your dds reaction shows she doesn't know what she's done. Either she is making comments that are upsetting this girl without her meaning to, or the girl is exaggerating or even making things up. Either way your dd is stressed and worried. The counsellor must know more, as pp have said, and should be able to help your dd.
I would advise her not to completely ignore the other girl but not to instigate conversation either, that way she can't be accused of being mean by ignoring her but she can't be accused of confronting her either

Hmm why would the other family make false bullying accusations? They might be over sensitive weirdos but the more likely explanation is the simple one isn't it? Who knows? It happened to one of my GC, mother got phone call telling her DGC had been bullying and they were going to the school with it. Mother very upset, I talked to child and it was clear the other child had been, well shall we say inappropriate, and there was clear evidence of this on social media. Mother calmed down. School investigated and child who was supposedly being bullied got a detention. Parents were mortified as they obviously believed their child.

RebelRogue and Lewis excellent points.

Just as an aside we all know people who are in relationships with blokes where the bloke makes out he is the victim, she doesn't understand me, etc etc, only to find out he bad behavior is coming from the guy. I once had a boyfriend tell me all his relationships had ended badly or whatever, I felt very sorry for him. Until I discovered it was he who had dumped the girlfriends. We know people do not always tell the truth.

As a parent you want to believe your child and the OP has to decide if her dd is telling the truth. But as said above, OP you do not need to clear her name, this is an accusation that came direct to you by text, the very fact the other parent did not go via school channels would make me a little suspicious to be honest.

Please try and be open-minded to the idea that she has been bullying this girl. You don't have to believe that she is a bully, but you may have to accept that she has been bullying.

I've been on both sides of this, and both sides are just horrible
Your aim is to support your daughter whilst calling out any hurtful behaviour.

The family should absolutely not have texted you

I would try to seek more clarity and tell your DD to avoid the other girl.
I would also suggest your DD talks to the counsellor to ensure her feelings on this are heard.

You may never gain the understanding of the other parents, no matter whether your DD is blameless or not .I think you may have to face that.

DD apologised and explained that she had not meant anything by the comment, it was just an observation

I'm a bit at this. I was bullied and the girl was told to apologise and would say ''I was only saying what I saw.'', ''I was just telling the truth''. ''I was just telling it how I see it''.

My son was bullied so badly by a girl at his secondary school. She was a pretty girl, clever, popular and utterly oblivious to the effect she was having on him.

We had to move him in the end. Her family couldn’t believe that their daughter was capable of such unkindness. She was. She was just clever at doing it very discreetly. It was two girls who came forward (part of her entourage) who shopped her. They were sickened by their friend’s shitty behaviour.

I also agree with KERALA, on page 1

Why was your DD making any comments at all to the girl, after she had already been told to stop engaging with her as the girl felt she was being bullied? I don't think your DD is telling you the truth tbh.

PS. I deal with bullying. Children who have been bullying rarely put their hands up to it straight away. They minimise and say that they were just pointing out the truth, or that the other person didn't seem to mind, or that the other person was annoying them. They sometimes cry because they feel sorry for themselves, or because they feel desperately ashamed, but they continue to deny. My own child did that.

My other child's bully denied what he was doing was bullying. Cried desperately when confronted. But did stop.

Cheby she made the comment' before the complaint, after the complaint she tried to talk to the girl. None of us, including the OP know what she said exactly or how she said it.