Re ex and DDs periods

[HadloxB]

Name changed for this one.

DD 12 (nearly 13) is suffering with her periods. She’s had them about a year and they’re getting worse each month. Bleeding through clothing, awful cramps, she’s given up dance and swimming.

We’ve tried everything in the san pro aisle, tampons hurt her, moonvup she can’t put in, atm she is using thick pads and changing them all the time. Her mattress/bedding is ruined. I’ve had to pick her up from school twice due to soaking through her clothes/pain.

She has asked to go on the pill or have a coil fitted. I spoke to her dad about it and he has absolutely said no way. She’s too young and it’s dangerous. I’ve been bombarded with dodgy links about it causing cancer and death and infertility . He can be very stubborn and is refusing to shift on it. I’ve told him ultimately it isn’t his decision. He said fine but I’ll be responsible for her future health and I “can’t be bothered” to research it or read his links.

AIBU to agree to her going on the pill? Would a GP fit a coil for a 12 year old? Mirena not the copper obviously

I was about to post almost the same story as mummy2pickle. I went on the pill at 13 due to awful heavy periods and had not a scrap of trouble or a single side effect. It worked. My periods were still heavy but manageable and manageable is what your poor daughter needs. Please take her to the doctor. Tranexamic acid is also brilliant (went on this later in life and only needed half a tablet twice a day for a couple of days a month to manage the worst of it).

I had horrendous, painful and irregular periods in my teens which were pretty much instantly eased when I went on the pill. I was on the pill until I was 33, but it took me two years to conceive... because it turned out that I had polycystic ovary syndrome and a wonky thyroid.

Get her checked out by the doctor, because what she's suffering from doesn't sound normal.

Tell your daft twatbadger of an ex that until he grows a womb and a set of ovaries, he's the uninformed one in this case.

Get her to the gp and getadvice. My dd was put on the pill age 14 for clots and heavy bleeding and has nad no bother since

Oh god Heebie, not going to engage. If you can't see what I'm trying to get at, no problem.

Your ex is not being unreasonable to be concerned about the possible risks of a girl of 12 going on hormonal contraception, that's being a caring dad, but he is unreasonable if he thinks he has a veto. See what the GP says and if the gp is unhelpful push to see a gynaecologist.

No real advice but wanted to add my story to others

Went on the pill at 12/13

Im 48 now , no pill related medical conditions and three children (actually they might count as a medical condition give me heart problems at least)

Some answers to the replies, sorry but thread has got huge so I will try and cover it all

1. Why did I tell him anything? He likes to be informed about all aspects of their lives and is very involved in everything. Both times she came home from school he got a text from the school on the “your child was not here for x,y,z lesson” system. He phoned and asked me where she was and I had to tell him. Just unwell wouldn’t have statisfied him. Two weeks ago I had to run a fresh skirt up to her and he noticed she had her old skirt on that night, at that point I said it was getting ridiculous and I would take her to the GP to sort something out ie the pill or something else. The row has been rumbling on since, the links today about periods/hormones/the pill reminded me to ask on here!

1. Why have I left it this long? She’s had maybe 11 periods, first 2 quite light and they’ve got progressively worse. She wasn’t here for two of them and the last two have been particularly bad and made me think it wasn’t normal flow. She’s only given up swimming and dance on return to school last month.

1. Why mention a coil? I have one and she knows I do. They were also covered in sex Ed at school, she knew it was an option and the mirena could stop periods full stop. She mentioned it along with the pill.

1. I don’t think he is worried about anything to do with sex or it making it likely she’ll have sex. He’s just very wary of “big pharma” pushing drugs on society and genuinely believes it can be solved by food and exercise.

I’ve made a GP appt for her but there is nothing until Nov so it won’t be soon. I’ve told him and told him she is gillick competent. His reply was “well I’m sure she is but she is 12 and our daughter so it isn’t just up to her”.

I’ve never heard of T acid before, will google now and look into it and also the san pro everyone has recommended. We literally have half of Tesco san pro aisle in our cupboard so it’s worth a shot

Thank you for all the replies

and genuinely believes it can be solved by food and exercise

Would go someway to explaining why he is your ex

I’ve told him and told him she is gillick competent. His reply was “well I’m sure she is but she is 12 and our daughter so it isn’t just up to her

Maybe he should google what “Gilliam competent” means while he’s at it

Argh, Gillick! Bloody autocorrect

I have not rtft so apologies. A friend's daughter has an injection every three months which stops her periods completely because hers were so bad and causing distress.

In the meantime would it be worth trying Diary Doll pants (or similar) in addition to the sanpro if she isn't already? Reducing the stress of leakage might help make the whole thing easier to bear. Poor love.

And stupid stupid ex.

I personally think he is right re 'Big Pharma' but this doesn't mean that anything can be solved by diet and exercise.
I believe a lot of it but not such heavy periods with clots.

Eg Ive had endometriosis and have controlled the pain with diet (lots and lots of oily fish). However, this did nothing for the heaviness of the period iyswim.
Issues with anaemia from the heavy period can again be controlled with diet.
But that doesn't solve the very big issue your dd has re the leaking onto her clothes.

I would be interested to see what sort of links he is coming up with to control the FLOW with diet and exercise TBH (esp as your dd seems to be active anyway and the exercise she has been doing clearly hasn't made a difference!).
Nothing is stopping you from trying that approach whilst you wait for the appointment with the GP

I was about to post Gillick competent, it's good that you know about this OP. Your DD's father needs to step right away from this issue.

I don't see how he could stop her going to her GP to receive medical advice especially if the GP judges her to be Gillick competent.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Periods-heavy/Pages/Treatment.aspx

This page may be useful. Has info on tranexamic acid NSAIDs etc.

Tranexamic acid is my saviour every month.

When you see the doc tho, please don’t just accept being given the pill as a ‘cure’. Ask for a gynae referral to get to the bottom of it all (another endometriosis sufferer here).

Good luck,

Sorry haven't RTFT but my DC was exactly the same (although she started at 9) and was referred to adolescent gynae clinic. Paediatrician told us that they would probably stop her periods hormonally as she was very young and had LD's so was very distressed.

Gynae consultant said they are extremely reluctant to use hormones with a growing girl and said the best thing was the tranexamic (so) acid. It did reduce the flow over several months although she still needs to wear an adult nappy at night.

I've ended up having pro-stap treatment after several surgeries and other medical treatments. Basically a false temp menopause which kinda 'rebooted' things. I'm also on the mini pill. If men suffered from these conditions there would be way more research and possibly effective treatment

Try reflexology helped my daughter immensely, She has virtually pain free periods now with normal flow had reflexology
Weekly for a month at first now just monthly x

Echo other posters thoughts re a coil. If she finds tampons painful that would be absolutely excruciating and i imagine really quite traumatic. Please don't put her through that!

Your ex is a bellend btw. Periods can be debilitating. Take him with you to the gp and see how far he gets with his diet and exercise crap!

OP how your DD is with her periods is exactly how I was as a teenager and my mum refused to let me go on the pill, she thought i was secretly having sex and this was my way of protecting myself (i wasn’t) so said no. So, firstly I think it’s great that you’re suggesting it! Until I was 16 I lived absolute hell for 2 weeks of the month and like your DD has to wear night pads I changed every hour. Do whatever it takes to make her periods less heavy, it’s awful and she’ll have a miserable few years ahead of her if nothing changes. Your ex is a man and will never understand and I honestly don’t think he should have his say on her ‘female’ issues

My periods were like that and I was put on the pill at 11. It made quite a difference.

Was she at her dad's for the periods when she wasn't at home?

I have the utmost sympathy for you as you deal with this difficult man and try to re-establish yourself as an individual after the experience of living with someone who likes to dominate.

My comments here are based on the experience of dealing with my own exH - please don't think I am having a go at you:
He likes to be informed about all aspects of their lives and is very involved in everything.
Normally society would pat a man on the back for such a level of involvement with children after separation or divorce.
However, in this case, it seems clear he is doing it in order to maintain the level of control he had while the family was a unit, and it is not healthy. You need to get stubborn here and try to break old habits, both his and yours.

You do not have to inform him about all aspects of his DCs' lives. If you have a court-ordered custody agreement, does it stipulate what matters he needs to be consulted on? If yes, then stick to that.
If not, learn to play your cards close to your chest.

Just because he wants the information doesn't mean you have to give it.

Both times she came home from school he got a text from the school on the “your child was not here for x,y,z lesson” system. He phoned and asked me where she was and I had to tell him. Just unwell wouldn’t have statisfied him.
So invent a plausible illness like vomiting or diarrhoea? You did not have to tell him exactly what happened.

Also, why is he getting texts from the school about absences? Who is the resident parent here? Did he insist on the school sending him every notification they send you? Is there any way you can quietly tell the school to stop notifying him if a DC has to go home for illness, or at least to stop notifying him if DD has to go home because of menstrual issues? Please approach the school and put your case to them that your DD has a right to a say in who gets to know about her periods.

Two weeks ago I had to run a fresh skirt up to her and he noticed she had her old skirt on that night, at that point I said it was getting ridiculous and I would take her to the GP to sort something out ie the pill or something else. The row has been rumbling on since, the links today about periods/hormones/the pill reminded me to ask on here!
You do not need to engage with him at all, on any topic. Don't let rows rumble on.
Say, 'Thank you for your thoughts,' after his first shot from the lip, and do not try to get his permission or agreement after that.

If you have a set idea in mind about how to tackle some issue, and it's not a life or death situation, he does not need to know and you do not need to speak.

I gather that DD was with him at the time he noticed her old skirt. This level of noticing details about DD is quite creepy. Please keep an eye on this, because DD is likely to find it makes her very uncomfortable. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling for DD as she tries to conduct a relationship with him.

If visits are not court ordered, I strongly suggest you keep an open mind as to whether DD really wants to go, and if she doesn't, then don't make her. Even if court ordered, please be ready to challenge the arrangement if she tells you she is not willing to participate any more.

You need to gird yourself to be a staunch advocate for DD (and any other DCs) as they get to the teen years. Very often a controlling individual ups the ante, and the teens perceive 'involvement' as more and more intrusive and see it for what it really is. Teens develop minds of their own and the dominator can't accept that.

Good habits to practice:
Do not think out loud when you are around him.
You do not need to have your ideas validated by him in order to proceed.
Practice this especially when it comes to your DD, and keep her privacy in mind first and foremost. She has a right to privacy here.

Part of the problem, as you well realise, is that he has conditioned you to run everything past him, and I suspect there is an unwritten basic assumption between you that he has power of veto over every single detail of your life and that of your children.

Just because he has dictated this or trained you to live under this rule doesn't make it the truth. Don't play along.

OP your DD is clearly in need of medical intervention / assessment as she is struggling in pain and her menses is clearly negatively affecting her life... So NO YANBU! She has come to you, she clearly trusts you and you're her advocate in this - not your ex, so whilst he may have PR and can voice an opinion it doesn't mean he gets to dictate anything! I think pp are right to say that your DD has a right to privacy in this regard - especially in view of your Xs unreasonable attitude and responses, I realise it's a fine line to walk! But DD surely deserves the opportunity of a qualified medical opinion and options to resolve what must be an awful situation for her?YANBU! Good luck 🍀

Ah I really feel for her. This was me at the same age.
It's horrific, crippling and so embarrassing when you don't dare stand up in class in case you've leaked.
Mine was dealt with effectively by going on the pill. It took a lot of pills before finding one that worked.
On the negative side it did mean when older I was a bit lax with contraceptives as I'd been on back to back pill for a long time and it also affected my fertility (took 7yrs to finally conceive).
It's probably no help but knowing what I do now I'm not sure if go down that route.
Has someone explained properly tampon etc use as nobody ever told me they hurt if not in fully? I refused to use them for years for this reason.
Also make sure iron levels are tested and regulated, you don't want her battling anaemia as well.