Re ex and DDs periods

[HadloxB]

Name changed for this one.

DD 12 (nearly 13) is suffering with her periods. She’s had them about a year and they’re getting worse each month. Bleeding through clothing, awful cramps, she’s given up dance and swimming.

We’ve tried everything in the san pro aisle, tampons hurt her, moonvup she can’t put in, atm she is using thick pads and changing them all the time. Her mattress/bedding is ruined. I’ve had to pick her up from school twice due to soaking through her clothes/pain.

She has asked to go on the pill or have a coil fitted. I spoke to her dad about it and he has absolutely said no way. She’s too young and it’s dangerous. I’ve been bombarded with dodgy links about it causing cancer and death and infertility . He can be very stubborn and is refusing to shift on it. I’ve told him ultimately it isn’t his decision. He said fine but I’ll be responsible for her future health and I “can’t be bothered” to research it or read his links.

AIBU to agree to her going on the pill? Would a GP fit a coil for a 12 year old? Mirena not the copper obviously

Get her to a gynaecologist asap. It's not normal for an adult let alone a child.

Poor thing x

Ps I was the same at her age. Turned out to be endometriosis, but they didn't diagnose until I was 30 odd.

You will need to be like a bull with a horn with the gynaecologists to get answers. They just throw pills and coils about without finding WHY you're bleeding so much. It's always best to find out what's going on before treating it x

I would suggest discussing this with your dd's gp, they can then refer her to a consultant for investigation.

I would also register her with a Family Planning/WellWoman clinic.
They're a lot more specialised in contraceptive and sexual health for women.

My GP has all my conraception/sexual health history.
However, i choose to get my contraception, smear and other related tests done at my local family planning clinic.
The nurses/staff there are wonderful and the facilities a lot better than at my gp's.
They deal with this stuff all day and have so much more experience and wisdom/insight.

I got put on the pill as a younger teen for similar reasons, and I wish I hadn't been. Once you're on it, you don't tend to come off it again. Having to take a pill everyday as a forgetful teen... was a constant source of anxiety, I finally came off it in my late 20s and it took ages for my periods to return, I had zero idea what my natural cycle length was and it made conceiving really difficult. I know it seems a long way off but the two things were connected.

But that was 30 years back... I expect options are different... maybe the implant not a pill in a pack to remember (because teenagers have enough to worry about)...

Definitely see what the GP says. As a 40 something, done with conceiving and not on contraception, I'm now learning how to manage my periods. I get the floofy matresses because I still don't like tampons. I know I will feel murderous the week before and I will bloat. But I only started learning after the birth of my children. I hate that I didn't have the agency to decide what chemicals went into me for years. I could have worked through this with the right support when I was younger.

I had similar and tried ibuprofen and tranexamic acid but in the end was on the pill from 13 because the bleeding never settled down- it started and didn't stop for 9 months getting heavier and heavier til I was missing school because I couldn't leave the house and then eventually I was at the point of such major blood loss that I was gonna end up needing transfusions if it wasn't brought under control. The combined pill really changed my life for the better. But obviously it's different for every person, so definitely needs a GP appointment but an attitude that you won't accept being robbed off with nothing!

A comment inspired by Calman's post - If the GP suggests a remedy like the pill or transexemic acid and the DD finds that while on an overnight stay her father takes her pills from her or interferes with access to any other remedy the doctor has advised, it would be essential to end overnight stays. It would also be wise to stop overnight stays if her father harangues her about the medical advice she has been given.

If overnight stays are court ordered, you will have to go back to court to argue that the arrangement is not in the DD's best interests due to your ex's attitude toward medical advice. Keep any texts or emails he has sent on the topic, so you will have more than a 'he said/she said' case.

He is also her parent, I think it is something that should be discussed with both parents

She is entitled to privacy about personal matters and assuming she’s competent can consult and not have disclosed to either parent should she wish.

math

Interfering with medication was the very first thing I had to go to court about with the nightmare ex who I ended up with about 20 prohibited steps orders against

Ignore him and take her to the Dr. There are other options than pill and coil, when I was on the jab I had no periods at all.

I went through years of similar to your daughter because of stupid outdated ideas.

I always said if I had a daughter and she had bad periods I'd get her the pill no matter how young.

She has a medical condition, what sort of parent doesn't want their child treated and out of pain?

The coil will be awful to get in at her age and before babies . It’s bad enough in my 40’s post 2 babies . I know my dd who is 14 couldn’t do it. Def speak to the doctor ( or family planning who I find know more about this stuff ) . It’s sounds awful for her . My dd hasn’t really hatred an eyelid since hers started and wears panty liners so it’s certainly not normal to lose so much blood .

Like other posters have said, see what the GP recommends first and insist on a gynae referral, as you have to get to the bottom of why her periods are like this. It's not normal and she shouldn't have to suffer it. And do not let the GP fob you off with "everyone's different" etc, it's bullshit. Yes they're different but this is ridiculous. And insist on a ferritin level and haemoglobin check too as she may also be anaemic.

As for the pill, I can't recommend it personally because the hormones affect my mental health really badly. That said, she may have no problem at all. For non hormonal options though, tranexamic acid taken with mefanemic acid has transformed my life. I even went camping while on my period, something I would never have been able to do before. It turned my three day nightmare into something I barely notice :)

Good luck! And don't listen to your ex, it's none of his business tbh.

Teapot
If he is concerned he needs to go to the GP with her, though, and ask whatever questions he has.

Any normal man would defer to the women as regards pain and how big a problem it is though...

That's the thing - he is doing this because he will not take a woman's word on it.

Quite honestly, I can't think of anything more excruciatingly embarrassing than having my dad go to a GP appointment with me at age 13 to ask questions about bleeding and cramping, and treatments (and my dad was a nice man who would fill hot water bottles, get cups of tea, etc for my mum, who had period problems).

This may sound like a Catch 22 setup for the father, but ime, if he will only accept the word of a GP as to what is happening, and the only way to get him to accept that medical treatment is necessary is to have the GP explain it to him personally, then he should not be allowed to participate in the process.

Why did you even ask / involve him? You must know what he's like ,you were together...why have you not got her to a gp yet?

NeedsAsockamnesty - that is a lot of prohibited steps
I had a similar issue with an inhaler for asthma, and allergy medication. It was a huge worry.

You could be describing me as a 12 year old, OP. I would often pass out from the pain of the cramps and I could bleed through a heavy duty pad in less than hour. I was constantly bleeding through my school uniform which was utterly mortifying and I gave up swimming because I was terrified of bleeding in the pool. I also couldn’t use tampons so I couldn’t even double up with pads. Those few days each month made my life utterly miserable. In the end my mum took me to the GP and he put me on the pill to help regulate me and calm everything down each month. I was only on that pill for 6 months but it mainly sorted the problem. I’d have a really heavy, painful period maybe once a year but the rest of them were generally normal amounts of bleeding and pain that was easily controlled with ibuprofen.

Your ex is being a dick. He has absolutely no idea how painful, life controlling and embarrassing very heavy periods can be and quite frankly I don’t believe he should have any say in how your dd chooses to control hers. Speak to your GP, get the facts and advice, and help your dd make an informed decision about what will work best for her.

I won't repeat everyone else's advice however - it did occur to me that in the short term it might be worth looking at "period pants". I read an article in the papers about them recently - they seem to be extra absorbent so might be useful to help in the short term until a long term solution is found?

Mollie85 I was put on the first one you said (so long ago can't remember name) I put on loads of weight, didn't help the heavy bleeds) I went onto cilest and stayed on them until I wanted to conceive. Everyone is different though

Your poor DD, it must be awful for her. Perhaps the pill may help make her periods lighter and more manageable, I don’t think a GP would recommend coil at her age. I have am on my second Mirena coil, it was very painful having them fitted for me, and I have had two children. I hope things improve for her soon.

Tell the ex that his opinion has been noted and you will not bef discussing the mattr with him again. Then concentrate on gettine the proper medical care for DD. XP has no right to any input, particularly as he is an ignroant bully - just ignore him and encoureage her to ignore him as well.ffff

The coil will be awful to get in at her age and before babies
Errrr....not necessarily
I'm on my second coil, i've not experienced pregnancy or child birth, and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as people made out.
The 'uncomfortable' aspect was no worse than when i get a smear.
The 'pain' when they open the cervix was just a short, sharp feeling for the few second it took to insert the coil.
The level of hormones released in the coil work so much better for me than the pill or 3-monthly injections did.

Ideally, you want to find an option that doesn't mess about her hormone levels too much, as this is probably something she will need to manage for life, and possibly with medication.

LOL at him refusing to shift.

Let him carry on refusing to shift. Your DD can (metaphorically) walk past him with her prescription and give him a wave :)

Can I just add to those saying PLEASE not the coil? She is 12. I'm sorry but I think that's an utterly inappropriate solution - I think you might very deeply regret that as she would undoubtedly, at best, find it traumatic. At worst I think you might find her, in the future, echoing the words of posters I have seen on here who have likened intimate physical examinations/procedures that they did not feel in control of to sexual assault. Please please don't do that to her.

Heebie I agree it's quite possible that physical pain would not necessarily be an issue. However on a psychological level I think it's a terrible option.

She's old enough to have some understanding of what would be happening but not old enough to really consent. She's at an age where privacy, and the respecting of that, needs to be paramount. She would undoubtedly find it a humiliating and frightening procedure. I would not at all like to be a mother putting myself in a position where I persuade and reassure my daughter about such a procedure, not knowing how she would actually feel about it - now and in the future. Just no.

Hormone release wise and managing heavy periods - the coil is better.
Managing contraception with her lifestyle, the coil or implant is better.
She's already had to give up certain hobbies and interests due to this

With appropriate guidance and counselling, there is no reason why the dd "would undoubtedly find it a humiliating and frightening procedure".
Educating her on exploring all options and making her own mind up is the best thing, which is what Family Planning clinics do.
There's no reason why she shouldn't be aware of what women's health involves, especially as she's been dropped into the deep end of it.

Being pregnant and giving birth could also be considered 'humiliating and frightening' experience and procedure wise - but we support women through that.
If the Dd got pregnant and wanted to keep it, you'd be saying she has the right to make that decision - and be supported.
This is no different really - other than there's no pregnancy issue to deal with.
The DD may be 12 but she's becoming a woman and it's still her body.

At worst I think you might find her, in the future, echoing the words of posters I have seen on here who have likened intimate physical examinations/procedures that they did not feel in control of to sexual assault
With attitudes like that it's a wonder any of you procreated!

Education and informed consent are the way to manage that, like we do with pregnancy/child birth.
If you're a woman then you just have to accept that at some point in your life, you may well need to be examined intimately.
Why would you want to encourage a woman to view a medical/necessary procedure to 'sexual assault'?

That's just fucked up!

I haven't had time to read all replies but thought is let you know my experience. This was me at 12 years old, my periods were so heavy and causing me so much pain I would be rocking on all fours in agony with my mum next to me. My bleeding also lasted an awful long time and didn't subside. I went to the doctor and I was told I had a hormone imbalance which caused the intense bleeding. I was put on the pill to regulate my hormones at 12 years old. It worked and I remained on the pill until I was 25 years old (I know it's not suppose to be good for your body) I came off it to try for a family and fell pregnant within the first couple of weeks so didn't affect my fertility at all. The pill can work wonders to sort out periods if for the right reason.