DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

What littlebird and stapels said.
I think it's pretty obvious from some of the comments who were bullied at school and who were the bullies!! Some of the emotionless, cold responses speak for themselves. Draconian school imo.

YANBU. I would contest it too.

Good luck with the Accutane. It works, that's the good new. But it's a heavy regime. My poor son's skin got so dry and peely with Accutane. Needed lots of vaseline, hydromol, E45.

if I were you I would accept the punishment, which puts you completely, in the clear, and also frees you to put the following points very forcefully:

that if there is a verbal bullying culture in that PE class it needs sorting before you allow your daughter to take PE again;

that until this is done you will send her in on PE days with a note saying that she needs to be excused because the attitudes of other children make it impossible to for her to take part in the lesson fully;

that if in those circumstances the only thing your daughter could think of to do was to walk out, then there is a serious hole in the school's pastoral system - at the very least there should be a nominated member of the SMT to whom pupils can go when they are distressed and be sure of a hearing;

that whilst you have accepted the punishment in the interests of having your own viewpoint heard, you regard it as excessive and inappropriate, more the kind of sanction that should be applied to know bad characters, persistent truants or the bone idle, none of which your daughter is;

that in view of the otherwise sensible way in which your daughter handled the situation, a sanction should have been devised which took this into account - for example a couple of hours helping the PE teacher with some clerical or logistic task.

Write all this down in the form of the letter to the head-teacher and send additional copies for the teacher governors and chair of governors before you go in for the meeting. At the meeting, simply read out the letter, resist any attempt to have yourself sucked into a discussion, tell them that you have copied the letters to the governors, hand the original to the head-teacher, indicate that you will be pleased to have their reply in writing within a working week, bid her/him a very good afternoon and leave.

The thing is to accept the punishment leaves them without any further points to make, and absolves you from any hint of being simply a bolshy parent. Making your points in writing means that they cannot be misunderstood, fobbed off or glossed over, asking for a reply in writing means that they can't simply bullshit you, and involving the governors shows them that they are not dealing with a mug.

This technique works like a charm; I have used it for years, even once paying a £100 fine to HMRC which then put me in a position to write a seven page, carefully evidenced letter as to why the fine was unjust as it was levied for unpaid tax I didn't owe. I got my £100 back and a tax rebate within ten days. But if I hadn't paid the fine they could have gone on ignoring me.

And those going on about the make up making it worse are being unfair. Unless you have had this specific type of acne, you can't understand . Make up is not to blame for worsening it.

Both my dds and myself had terrible acne. Make up definitely exacerbated theirs and mine. Don't be so quick to dismiss other peoples advice and experience.

that if there is a verbal bullying culture in that PE class it needs sorting before you allow your daughter to take PE again;

*that until this is done you will send her in on PE days with a note saying that she needs to be excused because the attitudes of other children make it impossible to for her to take part in the lesson fully

It didn't take place in a PE AFAIK it was in the loos afterwards.

Haven't read the whole thread but in my opinion I think the punishment is overly harsh.

Obviously she can't just leave school but she did call you to explain and if this is genuinely out of character for her then the punishment seems very extreme. Firstly I would ask in the meeting what sort of punishment the girls who were picking on her got. I would agree that they should be calling you in for a meeting to discuss the issue and personally I think putting her on report isn't a bad idea because whilst checking she is attending every lesson and monitoring her behaviour they can also check that she hasn't been bullied that class. However 3 hours after school is a bit extreme if this is a first offence situation especially in the circumstances.

Punishment was a bit harsh from school but at the end of the day if she did that at work when she’s older she’d be in bother too

Why do people keep saying that the OP's dd leaving was a safeguarding issue? The school knew where she was because the OP had told them! And she's 14, not 4. If she's safe to walk home after school she's safe to walk home during school.

As for the quote above, this is very true. But if an employer allowed bullying to go on related to a protected characteristic under the Equality Act, they'd find themselves in a bit of bother, too. Acne of this nature could fall under the definition of disability. I don't know if it does, but I'd be checking the position if I were the school in this case.

I think the draft letter above is great by the way.

Poor girl. The distress caused by acne is so overlooked and under rated. That's s harsh punishment that can only heighten her distress. Schools forget that children are human sometimes! Stick on her side. Please look into nutrition for healing acne, try the Medical Medium book, don't be put off by the Medium bit its sound healing advice.

Haven’t read any of the other messages.

I would be in the school very quickly informing them my daughter would NOT be doing the detentions. You phoned in and explained the situation, your daughter was distressed. I am assuming she doesn’t do this all the time, it was a one off.

Please look into nutrition for healing acne

Please don't

My dd developed an eating disorder along with her acne, mainly due to well-meaning people assuming that her diet must be to blame.

Have asked DH who is senior management at secondary school. He thinks YANBU and school are being ridiculous. Says you should attend meeting and if no successful outcome (detentions revoked) then complain in writing to governors, academy trust or local authority and then next step public service ombudsman. Good luck!

Jesus H Christ, read through this thread and see the number of times the words punish or punishment are used, as in she should be punished. Perhaps a lot of posters on here would really rather like to watch the punishment, make entirely sure "justice" had been done

My daughter developed severe social anxiety because of her bad acne on her face and at one point was almost refusing to go to school. I really feel for your daughter and for you (((HUGS))). I had to go in and explain why she was wearing the make-up as it wasn't for vanity reasons. They didn't really understand but they did cut her some slack and the teachers on the gate didn't hand out detentions for lateness because they were glad she managed to come in. She did have a place she could go when things got too much and someone she could speak to as well.
It's hard, she was always such a confident child and a couple of snide comments from some boys and some low 'ratings' set her right back.

@scabbersly equally you can't assume makeup will make acne worse in every situation
As my dermatologist explained to me, make up can clog pores, yes, but with cystic acne it's much more deep routed and often doesn't have a 'cause' that can be fixed.
For example it can be hormonal, for which make up avoidance would unlikely make a difference. As was the case for me.

Please look at Caroline Hirons website for amazing skin care advice (she's frequently talked about on MN), she is astoundingly good and her advice helped my DD's skin incredibly. She's a true skin health guru. Oh and YANBU. Good luck with the school and getting your DD's confidence back xx

In my view YANBU.
Teachers, can, should and do differentiate between specific circumstances. You told them where she was and what had happened straight away.
Their response may encourage the bullies who have got away Scott free.
Surely the poor girl is punished enough with the cystic acne?
If you were very distressed and went home from work, most decent people would fully understand, so long as you didn't leave anyone in the lurch.
They should be discussing with you how best to help your DD manage and deal with her condition at school, I would make the meeting about exactly what measures they will put in place to safeguard her education and mental health.
(scuttles off to don flameproof jacket)

Your poor girl. I’d have done the same as you and be fighting the school.

As an aside - if your daughter likes YouTube etc, get her to look up ThaTayla. She suffers from cystic acne and has loads of tutorials about covering up as well as reviews on LOADS of foundations. She’s also just about to start accutane, so maybe it would be good for DD to have someone to watch along with their journey as well and how to deal with various side effects?

I hope she is feeling okay and that this doesn’t impact her long term.

You don't understand how it is a safeguarding issue?

So imagine you are a sexual predator and see a young, sobbing acne-ridden teen walking along the streets all alone in the middle of school hours.What a receptive target for a bit of flattery!

Oh ffs there's a sexual predator lurking on every corner according to this website.

I would have walked out too in those circumstances, and I wouldnt support the schools punishment in this incidence. Its still a school, not a prison, and her reason for walking out was completely valid

I think the punishment is too harsh and I would fight it. Your poor daughter. You sound like a lovely mum x

As a woman in my 30s, who only just finally got roaccutane last year, I can completely understand how your daughter felt. I too had cystic acne at that age and the teasing from people about it is awful enough!
The punishment does seem extreme and more for people who bunk off, yes a lesson needs to be learned that she can't just take off out of school, but it does seems very extreme!

Hard to say a definite YABU or YANBU. No your DD shouldn't have walked out but she obviously didn't have someone to confide in or somewhere she felt safe.
The school do seem to be over reacting though. One detention and maybe the report card. They don't seemed to have taken into account the fact this is out of character and that she phoned you so you could inform them. They also need to look at why she didn't confide in a teacher.

I'd demand a meeting for the morning and I'd back my daughter to the end, she doesn't need punishment for this she has called you to explain and you have called the school. I work in a school and I know for a fact we would have a meeting with the child to make sure she was happy in school and felt comfortable enough to come to a TA and explain her problem so it could be resolved in school if this was to happen again. anyone who has been a teenager before would understand and anyone who doesn't understand needs a reality check. it's not like she left just to bunk off its a personal issue that can be resolved with a bit of understanding