DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

Just wanted you to know that my son had terrible cystic acne and that Roaccutane has completely cured it. My daughter also had severe acne (non cystic) and she also has been cured by Roaccutane. She is 17 and like a different girl.
I hope you daughter has great results from it.

Poor child. Really hope the school deal
With the bullying and your dd finds her treatment works quickly. I wouldn't let her do a detention.

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Your poor DD. I have a 15 year old who would have reacted the exact same. Support her all the way. The school should implement future management help and not punish what is a one off situation that was very distressing for her. It wasn't truency, it was a problem with her diagnosed medical disorder.

Yanbu and it's wonderful to see someone being so compassionate towards dd instead of the "buck up" attitude! She didn't just bunk off you knew and she must trust you a lot to ring you and know she's get help instead of shouted it!

YANBU - You are advocating on behalf of your daughter. She needs you to back her on this all the way. The school is not able to enforce punishment you do not consent too. She did the right thing. I hope the school take some steps to support your daughter, deal with fun making bitches and allow her to keep emergency makeup at school if needed. Christ being a teenager is hard enough, being a girl with cystic acne must be hellish. Give your daughter a big hug from Australia and tell her we- the good women of the world have her back. I know make up can make this condition worse, but its a rock and hard place. How has she gone with doxyxyxline or retinoids?

Poor girl. I totally feel for her. I had this also and it's horrendous. The girls who were laughing should be punished not your daughter. Absolutely do not blame her for walking out of school and you are right she definitely shouldn't be punished. They could have just said to her that if she felt uncomfortable just to let a teacher know she was leaving and going home so they could at least call you and let you know. Detention is ridiculous for that one incident. By the way an excellent make up for her is keromask. You can get it online on their website. It's total camouflage coverage, hypoallergenic and waterproof. Very very good stuff. Also tell her not to use spot creams as they make it worse, clearasil is the work of the devil. gentle cleansing is definitely the way forward (no scrubs or anything abrasive at all). What cleaned it up for me was olay sensitive gel face wash twice daily followed by their sensitive day and night cream or childs farm sensitive baby moisturiser when it was really bad (that is literally a magic in a bottle) It worked absolute miracles for me and I'd had everything antibiotics, tablets, creams the lot. I found spot creams dry your face out and make it a million times worse. So definitely recommend sensitive cleansing for her and also a good multivitamin and evening primrose (it'll balance her hormones out which in turn will help her skin and help it heal. It's definitely worth a try while you wait for her to be seen by the doctor. I hope it clears up for her soon. Big hugs.

Hi OP,
I haven't read through all 15 pages of your thread. Your poor DD with acne. I have had many years experience with acne (cystic and normal!)

2 years ago I discovered Payot Pate Grise. (probably misspelt)

She needs to gently clean her face (try any non foaming milk cleanser - acne cleansers are far too harsh) and then dab on the paste. Warm water plus flannel paste off in the morning.

If it is going to work for her, she will see improvements in 2 days.

Your poor DD. I think the fact that you’d given her permission to go home and also called the school, along with it being completely out of character, should absolutely remove the need for punishment.
I think you should treat the meeting as a way to find out what pastoral care the school is going to offer to make sure nothing like it happens in the future.
This sounds like a case of the school applying a behaviour policy without any logic or consideration for individual student circumstances.

By the way OP, my DD15 had severe. Cystic acne - we ended up going to a private dermatologist because the wait to see an NHS one was agonising.
She’s been taking roaccutane for 6 months now and the change has been miraculous - she’s like a different girl.
Good Luck to your DD, I really hope she’s on the road to recovery soon

Your poor child. I had hideous skin as a child but nothing like acne or cystic acne and I was unhappy enough with that - please spend the money on a dermatologist - avoiding scarring both physically and mentally is worth the money

I hope the school have more sympathy now, perhaps they can excuse your child from being out in the rain at break time and PE?

The school is not able to enforce punishment you do not consent too
This isn't true.
Whatever people's differing views are on this situation saying things like this is unhelpful, and yet it is a view that is posted lots on mumsnet (& something we hear in schools more often than is reasonable)

(The following is general comment not linked to the OP before anyone turns up saying you think a girl should be isolated for being bullied)

In law a school does not require consent from parents to run detentions so if a parent decides to tell their child not to attend then the school can, and often will, escalate it up through the school policy.

There is no comeback of 'but my parents said I didn't have to go'.

Equally, parents can't say 'i don't give consent for my child to be out of circulation' either.

Sorry to sort of go on a tangent, but this idea that 'you can refuse permission /school can't do anything unless you consent' is factually wrong ans very common on here.

YANBU.

Bunking off school is bunking off school. Sorry but it is. They can't differentiate between acceptable reasons and unacceptable reasons to leave school grounds without telling an adult.

But she did tell an adult... her mother... and her mother contacted the school on her behalf.
I think the school should be focusing on the bullying tbh, not a child who never normally causes trouble or bunks off and was terribly distressed for good reason.

This is not about if the school can or can't enforce punishment the point is discresion should have been applied and she shouldn't have had any punishment, goodness me some people are treating this child like she's assaulted someone or gone to town shopping for the day ! Thank goodness she's got a good mum who doesn't collude with all this, this poor girl has a medical condition I can't image the school imposing this if she had been picked on because of her religion or physical disability, why is she different.

FFS. Your child doesn't have to do what the school says if you say they don't have to.
The bullying needs dealing with.
The school needs to have a safe place and someone children can turn to.
But kids can't bunk off. They can't walk out of school. Worst case scenario? An accident or incident on the way home. Then everyone jumps on the school. The children are their responsibility in the day.

I wish your dd didn't have to be on report because it's further embarrassing her in front of the people who embarrassed her in the first place so it seems worse than the detentions which at least won't be in front of them.

I think makeup for acne is comparable with camouflage makeup, you're not wearing it for vanitys sake, its basically so you can blend in and not have people point and laugh or go "eurgh". I've been acne free for years and hardly wear makeup now because theres no need.

for me she shouldn't have been punished.in my eyes she don't bunk off she left through distress.bunking is not wanting to be at school simply because you don't.your dc was upset and needed help.
I think instead there should be a talking to about what she could do if ever in this situation again.where should she have gone instead and what help to seek at the school.it says more about the school pastoral sytem to me that she didn't feel she could go to anyone there.
so don't be accepting of it but be understanding.
punishment for this is bollox.
was she embaressed possibly ashamed so ran off and now on report and in detention will only raise these feelings.

Neither of you are being unreasonable - the school has to take it seriously and you are concerned for your daughter. I had acne until I was 32 and very bad at school. The issue here is the other girls - I think you should ask teachers to have a word with whoever laughed at her. Oh and get her some topical antibiotic gel from her GP with benzyl peroxide. It works!

Someone once said - fairness does not mean everyone gets the SAME it means everyone gets equivalent treatment.

I have found this very helpful, and the schools I know work on the same principle. You can be fair, without needing to have a one size fits all treatment.

ironically kids are the best test of fairness, and most kids can happily see that punishments can differ form chidl to child according to circumstances.

Haven't read the full 15 pages, but I feel your daughter has been unduly harshly dealt with. The school seems to have demonstrated zero understanding of the psychological issues that can arise from acne. It is not just a cosmetic issue, but can become a mental health one. Her actions, in that context, were understandable. She told an adult (you) what she was doing, and didn't just bunk off.

The level of punishment is way off beam here. Where is their discretion? Simply taking a 'rules is rules' attitude will not help your daughter to feel supported or engaged with school. Moreover, they need to see this as a bullying issue, rather than a truanting one, and deal appropriately with the bullies. Hope the school see sense.

Also, can you access a dermatologist urgently? The acne will be affecting her mentally, at what is already a difficult age, and scarring will affect her for life if this is not nipped in the bud now.

You are not being unreasonable. Complain to the headteacher your daughter does not need to be punished further for this.
The treatment she has received is totally unacceptable.
Stick to your guns. I would want an apology.

...sanction for truanting is reasonable. Students taking themselves off site is a huge safeguarding issue. Schools can't just pick and choose when they will/won't apply the policy. Oh yes they bloody well can.

In both secondary schools my youngest DD has been to, she has been missing, in one case for a WHOLE DAY - they rang me 2pm to say she'd never turned up, at the time that DD was 12 and going through a very difficult patch and I actually thought she'd run away. I was distraught, they were really annoyed I was demanding answers. In both schools, they said they had no responsibility, no obligation and would not help look for her - turned out she was actually in the schools buildings both times. In the other case she didn't come home after school and they said she might be in the building or she might have left but they were very clear that they would not look in the school building for her even though I wanted to call the police. So this safeguarding thing is bollocks.

The school want to enforce their punishments. This is easier to do with a girl who is normally an exemplary student but was bullied. Much much easier than dealing with the bullies. That's what's happening.

I hope OP and her DD are ok, I wonder if she'll come back and tell us what happened next?

This is the first time your daughter has behaved like this. There should be no punishment but a meeting discussing what to do the next time your daughter is distressed. What strategies she could use and how the school can help her.

I think schools are becoming extremely nazi like. No wonder some people choose to home school. The OP's daughter is 14 not 4. I'd say she had every right to walk home and tell her mother, for her mother to call on her behalf. This is what would have happened years ago.... when parents were the ones in charge of their own offspring. Unlike now where the nanny state likes to dictate its rules and undermine parents.

Dd's school behaviour policy says
"Crucial to our system of sanctions is the principle of proportionality. Any sanction will depend on the severity of the
incident, the student’s previous record and any extenuating circumstances."

I don't know how this works in practice or how they would have dealt with your dd, but it seems a good aim to aspire to.