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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

416 replies

OverbearingHouseSitter · 09/10/2017 11:22

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

OP posts:
SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 10/10/2017 20:01

I'd also be TELLING them in the meeting that my daughter is not being punished for having a body confidence issue and she will NOT be attending after school detentions but I would agree to her having to have a report signed that she had attended lessons for the next week but that it would not be focusing on her behaviour unless she has a behavioural difficulty.

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 10/10/2017 20:02

this has got my back up I'd love to have the school over this!!!

lildevon · 10/10/2017 20:02

It's not prison and she's 14. I think the real issue is her distress

lildevon · 10/10/2017 20:07

Nutrition is a big part of the story. Treat it holistically. If someone developed an eating disorder they got the wrong advice. Everything you put in or on your body has a affect and you ignore that knowledge to your detriment.

EMSMUM16 · 10/10/2017 20:10

To some of you - just because there might be support in school doesn't follow that this girl (very upset/ shy etc) felt able to go and talk to someone she may well have not had any relationship with at all ever... especially something so personal and obv difficult to deal with personally!
This would not be easy even for most of us adults - think about it!
I feel that the school are undermining the parent decision here, the parent, who is in fact the one who ultimately makes decisions about their child.
I would be furious if a school treated my child that way, and before you ask, yes I have 3, two of whom have left long ago... the school have acted in a way that is worse than the bullies, punishing this child for reacting to A MEDICAL CONDITION that distresses her, what century are we living in here??? IT is absolutely wrong, no doubt about it, yes there are rules, but this young vulnerable girl felt she had no other option, and for all we know she may not have had any other realistic options.
Ask for a meeting with the head teacher, or year head/tutor and explain the situation, suggest that you think the punishment is unwarranted and list your reasons why. Use words like 'bullying by other students', say also that you feel that the school have failed your DD I mean its all very well saying its wrong to 'walk out of school' but what alternatives really was there? and was it available?? AND what about their bullying policy, why was the bullying not picked up on? were there no teachers around? and if not? what is your DD supposed to do ? put up with it or I guess some of you might say,,, well find a teacher. Hell its never going to be that easy is it... if she was distressed then why on earth did no teacher ask her what was wrong,? it doesn't sound like a very caring place tbh.

I really hope you sort it, I really feel for your DD and you in this situation, but the school are out of order, you have to follow your heart and tell your daughter she did the right thing & go back to the school and challenge them

lildevon · 10/10/2017 20:11

Sound advice

MaisyPops · 10/10/2017 20:25

It's not a case of siding with school. Some of the comments suggesting anyone who hasn't said 'complain yo school' must br bullies have completely missed the point.

It's a simple case that students can't take themselves off site for whatever reason.

It's possible to acknowledge that the DD didn't do anything malicious and the bullying needs to be dealt with whilst still saying that school policy should be followed.

I've taught a number of students with mental health issues. They were still sanctioned if they truanted. For their owm wellbeing we need to know where they are. There are classrooms and staff around school. They can send a friend to call a member of staff etc.

Thr fact stands that over the course of this day a teenager in a vulnerable state was neither with her parents, nor the school who are in loco parentis. For a part of the day there is a huge safeguarding issue.

Say a child leaves site and gets hurt or killed and nobody knows they've left sit. Nobody will say 'oh but they were upset'.

I can't stress this enough. It is not about being mean to a child. It is about a policy thay if breached is a massive safeguarding issue.

CoulsdonMummy · 10/10/2017 20:27

Not sure if I am pinning in the right place (First time poster). I went through school looking markedly different, owing to a condition I was born with. I also got bullied, and it would have been a far sight easier to deal with, had I felt that the bullies had been punished in any way (It was back in the day when exclusions were rare) for their actions. I do not think YABU, and I would reiterate what others have said about Skin Cam as it is known. It is administered by a charity called Changing Faces. They may also be able to help DD in other ways, if she wants to go down that route. The other advice I would offer is that OP and DD shouldn't be hard on themselves, over what happened

Tattybogle89 · 10/10/2017 20:28

@lildevon are you suggesting that her diet has caused cystic acne?

If bad diet were the cause of everyone's cystic acne it would be easily cured!!

( and every teen would have it..)

ShoesHaveSouls · 10/10/2017 20:34

Diet and nutrition has zero impact on cystic acne. It's a medical condition.

Not one single GP or dermatologist has mentioned diet when seeing my DS about his cystic acne.

Of course we should all be encouraging our teens to have a healthy diet anyway... Wink but it's completely irrelevant to this thread.

StarUtopia · 10/10/2017 20:38

You need to get treatment for her. I had roaccutane twice before my skin was fixed but I'm literally a different person now.

In the meantime, you need to get ProActive. Fabulous on acne.

Dianag111 · 10/10/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarUtopia · 10/10/2017 20:39

Oh and ps, I'm not going to be polite to these posters...but diet has fuck all to do with acne when it's proper acne (not just a couple of ridiculous spots that normal people call acne)

I'm still angry about a girl at school telling me I shouldn't eat chocolate etc.

Kisathecat · 10/10/2017 20:43

Punishing your dd in this way also sends the wrong message to the bullies. Not punishing her, as should be the case shows them that she deserves some sympathy. Punishing her does the opposite.
Stand by your girl and don’t make her go through this. It’s truly horrible school is not prison.

MaisyPops · 10/10/2017 21:05

Kisathecat
2 issues:

  1. Truanting
  2. Bullying

Sanctioning a child for truanting is reasonable. Support may need to go along side and explicit expectations should a similar situation occur may be appropriate, but the sanction for truanting is reasonable. Students taking themselves off site is a huge safeguarding issue. Schools can't just pick and choose when they will/won't apply the policy.

The bullying is vile, disgusting and needs to be dealt with severely. If i had my way it would he a fixed term exclusion. They should be under no illusions that their behaviour is horrific and school won't accept it.

The school needs to do both. (I say this having worked in schools where some students had time out cards so would be given the ok yo leave class but would leavr site. They may well have been emotionally all over the place but it is still truanting)

Glitterbug76 · 10/10/2017 21:13

I don't think she did any thing wrong , she rang you and you advised her to carry on home if you had advised her to return to school and she went home it would be her.
You need to meet with the school and state that she was told by you to continue home , I feel some people are treating this poor girl as a pupil who regularly truants , she was humiliated and bullied and the school is in effect colluding with the bullies !! I'm so upset for you both.

Supermagicsmile · 10/10/2017 21:13

How was the meeting op?

Carouselfish · 10/10/2017 21:43

YANBU. In my twenties I had bad adult acne, not cystic though, and used to do my makeup for work in the car when I arrived. I arrived one day and realised I'd forgotten my make up; it was impossible in the situation to buy more, and I had my first ever, (never believed they were real things before, shame on me) panic attack and had to be driven home. Sounds hugely dramatic but it was horrific. The role was very image driven and there was a very unpleasant girl who worked with me who made me dread coming in anyway.
Completely feel for your girl. I hope the school rethink the detentions.

Abbylee · 10/10/2017 21:50

I can't believe that people aren't more understanding, op.

My dd did the same for another just as embarrassing reason. She was also disciplined just like the kids who cut class to go have fun.

At some point we have to decide if punishment is to hurt or redeem. My dd would not do that again bc it was particular circumstances, so was she punished so she would never do it again or because the school wanted her to feel badly (she already did feel badly and she now has strategy in place).

The school did not relent, dd was punished fully and she felt like it was a prison from that event onwards. She hated school.

Public humiliation on top of mortification and bullying; that's great. not.

You are NOT BU. I'M sorry, shyness is tough and acne too...Flowers

Springprim · 10/10/2017 21:55

Yanbu. The punishment is ridiculous given the reasons why she left & that you phoned the school to say what had happened. Also the fact that she has never been in trouble before says a lot about her character. I hope the meeting goes well.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 10/10/2017 22:04

Yanbu - as it was a one-off, poor DD was clearly distressed with good reason and you rang school to explain straight away.

65cleo · 10/10/2017 22:11

I deal with bad rosacea. The only thing that works for me is oxytechlecline. Keep your cool. The school must stand by their rules. I do hope you can settle things amicably so that there aren't any more nasty repercussions. Sending hugs.X

Areyoulocal · 10/10/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awhoosh · 10/10/2017 22:24

Very sad to hear what happened OP. Hope the meeting goes OK. I agree with your update - DD knows she shouldn't have left school (although it's very understandable) so fair enough to do some punishment. But the report thing sounds completely inappropriate for the situation. I'd argue against that.

Glad you're getting help with the cystic acne. Sorry to hear so many people who have suffered with this. Good there seems to be help ahead.

Hugs

carlitamurray32 · 10/10/2017 22:32

You are totally NBU!!!! I had cycstic acne in my late teens and still have bad breakouts every now and again in my 30's, if that happened to me now at work I'd be off, it effects my confidence that badly. Do the school understand why? I could write a whole thesis on what it did to my confidence and mental health over the years. So I think in the week that we've had world mental health day the school need to be made to understand how bad it is. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Good idea re the foundation. You may have already tried lots of things already and I hope you don't think I'm talking out of turn, but have you thought about doing things to combat it as well as just the make up option. There are things that help and can significantly reduce it. With benefit of nearly 18 yrs these are things that worked for me in varying degrees.

Spiramycin - prescribed my the doctors
Acutane - unpleasant side effects but the best results, mine has come back three times after this but never as bad each time and the pill and spiramycin has limited it further
Hi GI and low sugar diet
Jan Marini Glycolic products
Proactive products
Guinot Hydradermie facials, bit spendy for a 14 yr old but I blinking well swear by these when I have a horrendous breakout. Feel free to PM me.