DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

You did exactly the right thing. Your daughters mental health is more important than school rules and she could be affected for years to come by a memory like this so it's vital that she was able to get home to where she felt safe emotionally. I would attend the meeting and let them know that she will not be subjected to any disciplinary action because she was in distress and so there were mitigating circumstances. You need to fight her corner, and make the school see that every situation should be judged in accordance with extenuating circumstances if they apply.

Massive safeguarding issue. She should have spoken to a member of staff about the issue, it would have then gone through the proper channels. She can't just walk out of school, just as you cannot just walk out of work.

Having read the whole thread I have nothing much to add.

Good luck with the accutane for your DD. I have heard many good reports. Look on acne.org if you want more reading. There are some who update on their results with accutane, and other acne treatments.

I had acne at school - nothing like cystic acne - but do remember being 'teased' regularly . I am still super sensitive about the state of my skin - if i get a tiny pimple and DH or my DM points it out I react over aggressively.

I feel sorry for her but life goes on. I've had to go to work with things that have made me feel uncomfortable before that's life.

However, Kids can be cruel, and your DD should have gone and spoken to her teacher about it. Sorry but bunking is not allowed. Your DD broke a rule of course there is going to be punishment.

The school is in loco parentis and have a duty of care to all the students in their care.They can't have pupils just taking themselves off who knows where!!.If something happened to her, it is on their watch, they were in loco parentis and were responsible for keeping her safe!
I don't really think the detentions are too harsh, they send a clear message to her and the other students and you (who seem to have condoned her actions) as to how unacceptable this was.
Thej report thing is clearly to keep tabs on where she is.

I feel you DDs needs come first and the school is insensitive by insisting on detentions. Perhaps a meeting with the head would resolve matters.
On another note check out Enlisa Brown acne clinic on YouTube. Face clearing cystic acne appears to have quicker results than chemical treatments can offer.

I agree a teacher or someone to talk to at school about this would be better. Just take the punishment from school. Sad thing really that nobody at school is understanding her situation, modern life is stressful enough for young girls as it is.

Punishment was a bit harsh from school but at the end of the day if she did that at work when she’s older she’d be in bother too

Slightly off track here but my husband and a friends daughter suffered terribly with this and were prescribed roaccutane. Please please research this drug as it is negatively linked with depression which both people I know suffered from severely when taking it. There are also other documented side affects. I hope your daughter manages to find an alternative treatment.

It's a horrible situation and I do feel sorry for her but she can't just walk out of school whenever she likes. In a school full of teenagers there would be hundreds of students walking out every day whenever they were distressed.

overbearinghhousesitter you sound like you are doing an amazing job with your daughter. You sound balanced and reasonable and approachable. I really hope that you are able to find a mid ground with the school that addresses all the issues, makes it clear that dd can't do a runner again but has a place to go. Her tutor should be her first port of call. Good luck to you and your dd.

Feel so much for your dd, and it must be so awful having to deal with the girls teasing and facing the whole day in this way was inconceivable.

It is all very well for us to say she could have done any number of things, but she is so young and must have been so distressed. You can put these plan 1,b and c in place now should it happen again, but regarding the punishments I think you should ask the school to hold fire on them until you have the meeting with your head.

In the meeting I would want to:

a) why your dd had no safe place or person she could go to with this problem, can she please be assigned a teacher that she likes and trusts so that there is a contact for her, so she does not need to run home.

b) What is being done about the bullying? And it is bullying, the girls must have known how agonising it was for your dd already

c) That the punishment element is lifted due to the extreme circumstances. She did not run home defiantly nor did she 'bunk' off she did it out of pure desperation. It is the failure of the school not recognise her distress or be available to assist her in any way, had they been more vigilant they may have seen her distress and this would have a different outcome.

The school need to help build her confidence and be working with you to help your dd, not punishing her. I would not accept the detentions and tell the school you do not and can not support them on this if they pursue this course. Give your dd the biggest hug -

Your daughter OP was not BU leaving school, she experienced 'fight or flight' and took off! Yeah yeah we get that she shouldn't have done it but she is a CHILD! Hell if kids were able to make the right decisions, we'd give them the right to vote wouldn't we?! School should tell her off and offer a safe room for her to go to sort her make up/face out and ditch the detentions and the report. If she does it again fair enough re-instate the punishments but let's remember she's a kid, not an employee working in a company!

Jesus H Christ, read through this thread and see the number of times the words punish or punishment are used, as in she should be punished. Perhaps a lot of posters on here would really rather like to watch the punishment, make entirely sure "justice" had been done. We are meant to protect and support our children and young people as a society.

This girl needs protecting and supporting. The BULLIES need to be punished.

What littlebird said.

Get her to the Dr if you haven't already done so. Just as an aside. Lots of things will help her.

Bloody harsh school imho. Poor girl.

I agree with the detentions. Walking off site is bunking no matter from which angle you look at it. She should have been better equipped with make up to take to school. However, I do feel the report is OTT. And I hope the other girls have also been punished. I would certainly push that.

slightly off tangent but I too needed roaccutane.it changed my life.but it’s a tough medication,it has harsh side effects.it took a year to clear my skin but now my skin is better.i hope she finds success with it and in the meantime I hope she gets lots of support.severe acne is such a difficult thing to cope with.

Your poor DD. I hope further treatment works and the school support her. I don't blame her for walking out. You sound like a wonderful and supportive mum.

YANBU. Schools are so (clinically) result orientated these days they seem to have lost all compassion. When meeting with them I would ask about their pastoral care and anti-bullying policy. If it was me I would say I stand by my daughters decision but would like her to know where she can go in school if she ever feels so distressed again. I wish you and your DD all the very best.

Christ. The posters who have sided with the school have clearly never suffered from cystic acne and have no fucking clue how badly it can affect one's self esteem, especially if you are a shy 14 year old like I was. Acne blighted my life and reading your post has bought back some horrible memories. The school were extremely unreasonable to issue these punishments without talking it through with you first and uncovering what she was "extremely distressed" about. She needs sympathy and understanding, not punishment.

I've not rtft but think I saw a mention of Accutane. I got this eventually (in my thirties!) and once the damage had been done. I hope it saves her years of pain. I panic whenever I see a spot on my children's faces and pray they have their father's skin and not mine. If they're unfortunate enough I won't waste any time in seeking treatment for them.

YANBU!!! Love the way people compare school to the workplace if this happened at work there’d be disciplinary action on the bullies and HR would get involved (in a decent workplace that is, just like if it was a decent school...) The employee may get a verbal warning but if the workplace caused mental distress they’d probably offer counselling and protect their arse. Your daughter should have received a warning together with a plan for possible future occurrences- then if she does the same, then the punishment fits the ‘crime’. One size does not fit all and sounds like the head teacher is trying to prove their worth. I don’t know what action you can take but I would suggest you ask for a meeting without your DD and resolve it that way. Don’t be afraid of the school and teachers. Stand up for her and don’t take any shit. Your daughter doesn’t sound like a recalcitrant teenager. What will they do - suspend her, expel??? Love to see the school win that one in court... Respecting schools decisions is important, but I’m sorry, schools aren’t immune from errors and they also need to learn from them too.

Yanbu. I had terrible eczema on my face when I was a teen and kids are cruel, it’s not just a case of vanity.

I absolutely agree with staples. Is there no compassion anywhere these days. This poor girl, it's the bullies who need detention, and a teacher's signature to say they have behaved at the end of the class.
I hope the new treatment from the Dr. will help.

Just wanted to say my son suffered terribly before he went on Roaccutane, it took three months to start working but after years of suffering it was like a miracle cure. I think he had s few months on it then had no reaccurance of the acne, he too suffered from terrible painful cysts. We had tried absoluty every thing before Roaccutane and so which I had battled to get him on it earlier.
Really hope your daughter gets on it soon.