To tell my friend she's put on weight...

[verynaiceham]

A friend of mine I see roughly every 3 months seems to get bigger and bigger each time I meet her. Her clothes look close to bursting at the seams and she looks generally uncomfortable. I couldn’t care less what she looks like but she really does care about her appearance, wears lovely make up, hair always done nicely, smart clothes etc so It’s really unlike her. At a guess I’d say she’s out on about 4 stone over the past 2-3 years. She hasn’t mentioned her weight to me. Would she think I’m a massive cow for referencing it? I’m worried there’s an underlying reason for the weight gain but if she wanted to talk about it she would...wouldn’t she?

I couldn’t care less what she looks like but she really does care about her appearance,

So if you couldn't care less what she looks like, why are you so concerned about her weight gain?

I'm sure she's very aware she's put weight on and doesn't need it spelling out for her.

You said in one of your earlier posts that you're worried about her, then went on to say it's more to do with how she treats you.

I think if you're honest with yourself you just want to say something 'to get back at her' for the digs she's had at you.

The old adage 'Rise above it' is appropriate here.

My advice is - friendship groups are often dysfunctional, avoid them like the plague.

Cultivate good quality relationships with individual people then you don’t have to put up with one person’s bitchy comments just because you’re stuck with having to socialise with them.

I think this has been a good, constructive thread actually. It's helped the OP work through her problems, albeit in a clumsy way but she's come to understand her problem in a different way and been offered some solutions. Surely that's what threads are for. As for the sensitive souls, if it's a touchy subject for you, stay away from the thread and don't overshare.

Some of the replies have been plain fucking rude. I know the OP was a bit off in here first post but she's been open to soul searching and not a GF.

@Anymajordude Yes it has helped me sort through the problem. I probably should have posted on a different board

@verynaiceham I apologise for being snappy last night. It was a bit of a shit and exhausting day and I probably shouldn't have posted my experience either. Whatever, it was wrong of me to have a go at you.

@Escapepeas Honestly it’s no problem at all. Hope you have a better day today

She won't admit the weight gain OP because she's always judged you so harshly on your weight.

This has been like a counselling session for you, you now realise you can verbalise she's been a bitch to you.

@HipToBeSquare it really has felt like a counselling session. I’ve been getting really angry with myself for feeling so bitter towards a ‘friend’ but now realise this is because of her treatment of me.

The only way I'd bring it up is to ask very gently if she's had her thyroid tested - otherwise leave well alone.

Op I know how you feel, don't feel angry at yourself for feeling bitter.

Your so called friend has been less than kind towards you. I have experienced a person like this and it's painful to watch unfold and also very frustrating because you start thinking why is nobody pulling her up on the shitty behaviour? Then you start thinking that it must be you.

Well let me tell you it's not you, Others probably have noticed it as well but may be thinking the same So in the end no one says anything and the problem continues.
As others have said it's her own insecurities and self esteem issues that make her project she needs to feel good about herself. But she's doing it at your expense.

In my case no contact was the only way to go as she is very narcissistic and a narcissist is best ignored. But as you have to see her in your wider group, I wouldn't go in for the kill by mentioning her weight, but the next time she says something respond with the good old favourite of "Did you mean to be so rude?" or "Did you really just say that out loud?" That way it draws attention to her snide comment/put down without making you look like a bitch.
I can assure you if you were to lower yourself to her level she would then play the victim and turn it round so you look bad.

You need to protect yourself, Shes not worth your mental energy and as hard as it is try to rise above it. Keep remembering she's not a true friend

OP - I have had a lifelong battle with my weight. I was an overweight child, teen and so on. Years ago in my twenties, I lost a significant amount of weight, while my older brother who had humiliated me throughout my childhood about my weight, piled it on. It eventually came to the point where I was slim and he was fat. A complete role reversal. Once and only once, I let him have it. I made a couple of mean, disparaging remarks about his weight, clocked his embarrassment and told him, "You put me through years of that and you enjoyed it."
He has never insulted me again. I definitely relate to how you're feeling.

Escapepeas - I think telling the OP she has put you off from sharing on mumsnet again is unfair. I've just shared about the same sensitive subject and I am fully aware that the whole story might be a sham. It's my choice to take the risk just as it was yours. I do think it was disingenuous of the OP to present herself as being a good friend who was concerned...but she didn't drag it out of you either. You volunteered it. If it's something you don't want the world to know, don't post it here.

I'm well past the point of actively feeling shame and requiring sympathy about my weight problem, food addiction, eating disorder, emotional connection to food. It is there for all to see. I only ask that people aren't directly rude about it.
I put all the weight that I lost back on when I fell pregnant with ds1. 15 years later I am well on my way to losing it again...I'm slimmer than I have ever been since then. It feels great.

Love to everyone going through it. If you had three wishes, I know what one of them would be. xx

I'm slimmer than I have ever been since then. It feels great

Go, pictish !

Well done pictish. I totally relate to your post even down to the older brother teasing me. I lost 6 stone but unfortunately put back on a good wad of it but I'm working on it, or at least trying to. I've ranged from a size 8 to a size 20 so your post hit a chord with me. Keep up the good work!

I would never point out someone's weight unless they invited me to talk about it. You know when you've put it on, you don't need telling

She already knows. Trust me.

OP, assuming you are coming from a nice place, you say you want her to open up to you so you can be there for her. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she doesn't see you as that kind of friend. Maybe she has already opened up to someone about her weight. Maybe the reason she lied about where her top was from was because she fallen on hard times with money and feels a bit embarrassed. A true friend would just accept the 'lies' and be patient. Does it really matter if she fibs here and there?

Tbh you both sound as nasty as each other. What a bizarre thread

@kaytee87 @Sayyouwill

Have you rtwt?

Yep

Fair enough @kaytee87

I am like your friend, or am sometimes. I’m a yoyo dieter, and I’m currently in a healthy phase. But I hate having to buy sizes 18 and 20, it’s a kind of denial, I suppose. I always intend to lose the weight so the top/jeans I’ve bought will fit more easily. So I do know, it’s a case of pretending to myself. But unlike your friend, I don’t talk about it.

So I wouldn’t mention it, honestly. Your friend knows, trust me. Just be there for her, it sounds like she needs your friendship.