To tell my friend she's put on weight...

[verynaiceham]

A friend of mine I see roughly every 3 months seems to get bigger and bigger each time I meet her. Her clothes look close to bursting at the seams and she looks generally uncomfortable. I couldn’t care less what she looks like but she really does care about her appearance, wears lovely make up, hair always done nicely, smart clothes etc so It’s really unlike her. At a guess I’d say she’s out on about 4 stone over the past 2-3 years. She hasn’t mentioned her weight to me. Would she think I’m a massive cow for referencing it? I’m worried there’s an underlying reason for the weight gain but if she wanted to talk about it she would...wouldn’t she?

@Escapepeas I understand your frustration and I’m sorry that you shared your experience under false pretences. I didn’t do it intentionally. Now that we are clear do you have any advice on the actual situation?

@BelleandBeast Thank you x

Oh, and now she's going to get it deleted so it's all pointless anyway. For actual fuck's sake.

You are not a bitch, and a lot of people have been unfair to you here. Your "friend" is passive-aggressive, and you've taken her unkindness so many times that you'd like just once to let her know how it feels to be on the receiving end. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. No, you shouldn't point out her weight gain, but when she sees you and makes smarmy remarks, stand up for yourself and don't let her get to you. She's made you feel so bad in the past that she has triggered the worst in you, and that in itself has made you feel like an awful person. You're not. Don't let her do this to you.

No. No, I don't. Because I am too annoyed about all this bollocks. Sorry, I have had a very long day and I am not in the best mood. And this has very much put me off sharing anything on MN.

@OnlyAmy Thank you. I really needed to read that. It really has been getting me and I’m upset and wanted to make her feel how she’s made me feel. Although I’ve upset a couple of posters it has made me see the situation for what it really is so I guess it’s not a completely pointless thread (for me anyway)

@Escapepeas As I’ve said I’m sorry that I’ve upset you with this thread. For what it’s worth I would never actually mention weight to a real friend. None of my business and not important to me. I hope your day is better tomorrow

@Escapepeas and please don’t let my shitty thread put you off posting on MN again. I’ve had some really good advice on here through the years

It's not a pointless thread. Yes it took a while for you to.get to the point but sometimes just putting something into words can help you see a situation more clearly. It's obvious you weren't fat shaming imo but that you didn't know how to go about dealing with an upsetting situation. You don't have to tolerate hurtful put downs in silence until all you can think of is revenge. You don't have to and shouldn't, take any nasty remarks . Summon up all your strength and tell her never to talk to you like this again. That It's bullying and belittling and you've had enough.

So. She’s bullied you for years. She isn’t a friend. Now (probably understandably) you want revenge.

Why not just cut her off?

and laugh if you do see her at her ever widening arse and ever shrinking clothes

I don't understand this thread at all.

Why didn't you just post the real question which is "I am in a friendship group which includes a woman who is overweight who I can't stand and insults me. Any tips on how I can take her down a peg or two without appearing like a total bitch in front of everyone else"

Answer: yes. do it when no one else is around and just say the same kind of thing she says to you back. So when she is all "your skin is like shit because you've got a hygiene problem" you need to come back with "all the others say you are a total bitch and they don't know why they tolerate you. It's always me that defends you but if you talk to me like that I'm honestly wondering why".

People can be manipulated by suggesting others have slagged them off. The trick is to keep it plausible but vague.

It doesn't have to be about her weight.

Don't stoop to her level, next time she says something nasty and humiliating, just straight out tell her that talking to you like that isn't acceptable, and whatever her insecurities are you will not be her verbal punching bag. IME catty bullies like that become silent and uncomfortable when you're clear and firm vs being catty back.

And avoid that nasty little (or not so little) viper. Do none of your other friends stick up for you?

Very maintain the moral high ground.

Always maintain the moral high ground.

However if she says mean/rude/humiliating things to you you can either:

Call her out “That’s a hurtful thing to say” “why do you feel the need to say that” “This is not your business”

Or

Cultivate a raised eyebrow (very useful)/a head tilt and a silent expectant air. Done correctly it works wonderfully.

Consider how badly wrong this thread has gone. Multiply that by a hundred for how badly it will go if you are seen to be mean about her weight gain in public.

I feel for you OP, because in RL I struggle so very much with accurately naming things as well.

There have been situations where I'm pissed off about something, and I plan the "assertive not aggressive" conversation with the person/people and it always goes tits up for me. Either I get angrier/more upset than the situation warrants, or I end up distracting the whole thing with something off at a tangent (like you've done with this thread) and it's not until later I realize that I wasn't pissed off about x it was actually y.

So I feel for you, even though I can't give you advice, because I'm rubbish!

Although I do think MN is BRILLIANT for comebacks and putdowns and how to handle hard situations. I try and channel it all the time!

Apologies I haven't rtft but the kind of weight gain you refer to is common in many antidepressants and antipsychotics. It sounds like she is being a bitch to you. Could the two things be down to mental health issues on her part.

By all means distance yourself from her if she's hurting you but I don't think you should start retaliating in case there is more going on

verynaiceham your friend sounds like a total bitch.

"I ignore the digs as we are in a friendship group and don’t want to make it awkward for anyone else."

Please star thinking of yourself and stop putting others ahead of yourself.

"It’s the fact that she offers me advice me about things that she also has issues with. She has humiliated me before in front of a full table of friends when talking about my acne and basically said it’s because of poor hygiene standards when in actual fact her skin is probably worse than mine (just covered up with make up)."

If she makes any cruel comments decide how to respond. I'd go a total blanket ban on that topic. "I know you mean well, but I don't want to talk about it." That makes it very clear you don't want to discuss your skin, clothes or weight. If she persists she will look like the bitch.

Sarky comments, snide remarks etc (from you) will look passive aggressive. This is he best way, IMHO to shut her down. Tempting as it may be to give her a mouthful in private I would continue the same treatment if she tried to discuss this in private with you.

Then you know if she ever accuses you of saying anything inappropriate to her (especially to another in the group) you can honestly say, something like, "I decided 'a long time ago/back in October/back in 2017' not to discuss skin/clothes/weight/looks exactly because I found her/your comments to me hurtful, so I know I never said anything of the sort.

" She has humiliated me time after time and I’ve had enough." It's good you feel angry now and want to stop her doing this. Try your hardest to not sit anywhere near her on the bigger meet ups. Avoid getting into conversations with her. Nothing snide, nothing horrible. Just keep out or her way and enjoy your other friendships.

Troll.

"I’m going to ask for this thread to be deleted. I didn’t realise I’d piss so many people off" Don't get it deleted unless you want to. Do what you want. I think you could do with a bit of assertiveness training. "I went about this thread the wrong way. Sorry it’s some across as misleading."

Don't worry about it. It's not the end of the world. Concentrate on you, sort out your own issues with food, spots, whatever is concerning you and don't worry about the thread going a bit tits up. You got there in the end.

She is not your friend. She is a bitch. You find it hard to stand up for yourself. She has been rude to you in the past and your friends have not called her out on this. It may be time to make some new friends anyway. But if you want to keep your friends and continue as before just ice her out. I don't think here is any need for any big confrontation or mud slinging.

My guess is she knows how fat she is and she is insecure. Like some other insecure people she is choosing to behave in a bullying way to you. Maybe it makes her feel better about herself. Cut her off, don't let her comments touch you.

If she keeps talking at you start another conversation at the table or excuse yourself for the loo and then speak to someone else.

If you do want to stick up for yourself by all means say "I find that offensive." Etc. Don;t resort to swearing or talking about her weight. I'd always throw in a quick "I'm not going to talk about that anymore." Because if she does try and persist it will make her look like the bitch she is.

I have a friend like yours, she talks often about being a size 12 and clothes never fitting her. She's probably about a size 16. She's been like it since we were at school. My guess is she's always been insecure about her weight. I wouldn't bring it up.

Op it really sounds as if you don't actually like this friend of Yours. Sounds like sh gets in your nerves, rubs you the wrong way and you'd like to take her down a peg or two. Maybe you should cool this friendship off. It sounds a bit unhealthy.

Does she seem different in herself? A bit down? If so, ask her how she is feeling these days. PLEASE don't mention her weight gain though - she will talk about it when and if she's ready.

Ok OP, ignore my previous post. I've just read the whole thread (really should do this more!)
First of all, she's clearly not a friend at all.
Just focus on yourself - you've had kind MN's offer you advice re skincare. If you want to lose a little weight, sort that out too. Just do things to help yourself feel better and don't give her a moments thought.
The next time you go out in the group - either stand up to her comments or ignore her. It's SO not worth getting upset and peed off over this. She obviously has issues so let her have them. Concentrate on YOU.

Hi OP

You're getting a ridiculously hard time here for no reason, it happens on MN quite often. Once one person says something, they al jump on the bandwagon.

I get where your coming from, you're not being a bitch, you're worried about your friend. Anyone with half a fucking brain can see that.

She’s so loud and confident and can be quite intimidating.

As others have pointed out, she’s not confident at all. She clearly feels bad about herself and is making you look bad so she looks good about herself. People with true confidence, who love themselves don’t need to do this.

I wouldn’t meet her sarky comments with other sarky comments. She’s a pro at it. You won’t ‘win’ and will probably end up more upset. Take the moral high ground as some have suggested.

Hi OP. You've had some horrible replies here and you don't deserve them.
Your ' friend ' sounds massively insecure in herself, hence why she's deflecting her own issues by pointing them out in you. This also explains lying about Primark!
Instead of pointing out her weight gain, which would make you as bad as her, I'd wait until the next time she upsets you and say something along the lines of ' that comment has made me feel like crying...again. It really makes me feel shit about myself when you remark on my acne/weight and I end up spending the rest of the day feeling crap about myself '
It's an assertive approach based on how her comments make you feel (she can't deny your feelings ).
She may get huffy but it will definitely give her something to think about
Good luck 😊