To tell my friend she's put on weight...

[verynaiceham]

A friend of mine I see roughly every 3 months seems to get bigger and bigger each time I meet her. Her clothes look close to bursting at the seams and she looks generally uncomfortable. I couldn’t care less what she looks like but she really does care about her appearance, wears lovely make up, hair always done nicely, smart clothes etc so It’s really unlike her. At a guess I’d say she’s out on about 4 stone over the past 2-3 years. She hasn’t mentioned her weight to me. Would she think I’m a massive cow for referencing it? I’m worried there’s an underlying reason for the weight gain but if she wanted to talk about it she would...wouldn’t she?

Say something or don't.

You clearly aren't actual friends anyway so it isn't like you have much to lose.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to her tho. Making anyone feel like shit isn't right whether you like them or not.

@MistressDeeCee You’re exactly right. She’s so loud and confident and can be quite intimidating. I could kick myself for not sticking up for myself and letting it get to me like this.

Oh, for god's sake. This is exactly the kind of thread (among others) which puts me off posting on MN.

So you have wasted all our time and got us to post all our experiences and feelings, when all you actually want is some validation for being a bitch to someone in revenge because you don't like her.

Tip: If you want honest advice, be honest in the first place instead of this pathetic drip feed.

I think she has noticed which size section she is going to now, as opposed to where she used to. She hopes nobody else has though.

Don't be THAT friend.

@stopbeingadramallama Yes, I couldn’t care less if I see her again or not. Next time she makes a dig or puts me down I’m going to stick up for myself and ask what the problem is

She is sounds deeply unhappy and may be on medication for depression or some mental illness which often causes rapid weight gain.

If she embarrasses you again in front of the group you just need to call her on it. “Wow Sumo, did you mean to sound so rude!?”

Or maybe use her name rather than Sumo, but Sumo would probably hit her harder and make her think twice before being mean to someone else.

@Escapepeas I’ve acknowledged the fact that this is a shitty thread. I’d be frustrated reading it as well

OP I think you've had a rough ride in here, I think it would be impossible to word something like this in a way that everyone could identify with, it's such a sensitive topic.

My tuppence:

1. you're not all that close to her (e.g. You only meet up as a group) so you're prob not best placed to say something. Is there another person who is if you're really worried?

2. the big issues here are that obesity is a health problem as many have said, as is often the underlying cause. If you had to guess what would you say that was - lifestyle, stress, sleep, depression, self neglect, drinking etc? It's the underlying cause she needs help with so base your decision on whether you can help with that - weight is just a symptom

3. if it's what you needed to hear, responses on here do endorse your feelings of resentment that she's crossed the line when criticising you in past. She sounds like someone who has to put people down in order to feel better herself, in which case she's no friend and you therefore don't need to a) worry so much or b) sink to her level

If you're really worried, think about who is best placed to help and how, otherwise just be happy with yourself. Sorry about your skin, I know how horrible that can feel

@LucieLucie I love this. She probably deserves it but I honestly don’t think I could do that to someone.

I don't think it sounds easy to avoid her if she's part of a wider group the OP socialises with.
I do question why the others are letting her get away with it without challenging her. I certainly couldn't imagine keeping quiet if one of my friends were being bullied and I'm not the most confident of people when it comes to that sort of thing.

I think I'd either tell her not to speak to you like that again the very next time she starts up or stop seeing the whole group and tell them why. Being out with friends should be a pleasure not something you come away feeling hurt and upset from.

Then you clearly need to have a word with yourself, don't you, rather than starting misleading threads.

@Escapepeas Yes, perhaps

So I think there are three options here

1. If she is a friend say nothing
2. If she is an enemy tell her she is a fat wobbler
3. If she is a 'frenemie' be a sneaky fucker and tell her constantly she is thin whilst sneakily pouring lard into her skinny cappuccino. And pouring cooking oil down her neck when she sleeps

There is a fourth option
4) stop giving a shit about someone else's weight

although option 4 may be beyond you

OK, you just get yourself over to acne.org and sort that out and deal with your self confidence. Making digs won't make you feel better, trust me.

Nothing gets past mumsnet does it! It's a bit like dragons den but with thousands of dragons

I’m going to ask for this thread to be deleted. I didn’t realise I’d piss so many people off

I went about this thread the wrong way. Sorry it’s some across as misleading

I'm not sure what's pissed people off other then not mentioning the constant digs this person has made to you. It's not a simple situation and a lot of people might not know how best to handle it or even what to think about it.

Fat-shaming isn't liked. Its unpleasant. So yes its best to ask for thread delete

I am sure she is quite aware that she has put on weight and doesn't need to be told she has. Bringing it up would be a huge mistake unless she asks you for advice. Then you can give her your wisdom on losing weight.

It's not just a case of fat shaming though. It's not knowing how to deal with comments this person has made to the OP shaming her. Yes she may have thought about revenge but that's not an uncommon reaction to having been hurt or humiliated.

Mention you fancy losing a bit of weight, and if she says anything mean just reply that at least you'll be able to share clothes lol. As for the Primark label you should've have tucked it in for her and say "thought you said this was Warehouse haha".

Confrontation doesn't have to be unpleasant, think of a way to say what you want more jovially. Keep a couple of witty one-liners in mind and don't be afraid to use them.

I'm sorry if my replies seem harsh.

The reason is because I took the OP at face value (I KNOW RIGHT?) and shared how I would feel if someone did this to me. My weight gain is a very sensitive subject for me and I would be very hurt/offended/upset if a friend brought it up with me. I was trying to impress on the OP that she should not do this because of how it would make her friend feel.

Now the OP says actually she misled everyone with her first post and actually she is trying to get revenge on a frenemy.

I am now embarrassed and annoyed that I shared my feelings on this - a subject I don't discuss with people generally - when the OP was misleading everyone to try and work out whether she should show up her frenemy or not.

@alphajuliet123 This seems like a good idea and I wish I’d done this from the start.

I've sent a Pm about skincare