To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

[BeauMirchoff]

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

I know someone who did what you suggested Banana and she came back to a total mess of a house - within a day and night away - and starving children with nappies not changed.

Her partner did NOTHING. She has since divorced him. (Both surgeons in the NHS).

When he buggered off for 10 weeks how did you manage the kids and work?
Just thinking practicalities for you going forward as you can't stay in that situation.

I can see why you wouldn't want to leave because the children would probably never get to see him - but in all honesty, that's his look out.

Your children would be better off realising what a waste of skin their father is before it completely destroys their life view.

You would be infinitely better off without him in your life, because there would no longer be the disappointment when he fails yet again to step up.

You're quite right, he doesn't give a shit about you, sorry :(

Which PP said the DH was 50% the parent???

Surely he's 100% a parent? The OP and DH are both 100% parents!

I can’t believe you haven’t packed his bag, taken a hammer to the PlayStation and packed the broken bits as well.

You are a capable woman, not a door mat. And as others have said, the man you think you fell in love with never actually existed. Just a selfish, mysogonistic man child.

Yeah, fuck that. Darling you do everything already, if he isn't even attempting to be nice to you what does he bring to the table?

This is just the tip of the iceberg isnt it? It can't be solved by a chat op because it's just symptomatic of the fact that he's abusive. You need to leave.

I'd totally be waking him up and chucking him and his PlayStation out this morning.

You need a fresh start without him OP

Reading this thread gave me an insane idea. A Mumsnet version of wife swap. Only we call it spouse swap. I'd let my lovely husband come and live with you for a set period of time and you'd send your pig of a husband to me.
It'd be an eye-opener for both of you and should lead to some real change.
I never know what to say in these threads but I'm am incensed and outraged and indignant on your behalf. Some previous posts have had excellent advice. Please use that to your full advantage.

It's almost half term, use the time away from the classroom to consider your options.

Book the kids into childcare for a day, go see a solicitor and get your options. Then go sit and have an hour in a café and think about what you want. Not what is best for anyone else, what you want. Then think about how you can achieve that.

Teaching is all encompassing at the moment, I have 2 friends who are considering their future in teaching because of the insane workload and they have very supportive partners, I honestly don't know how you are doing it.

Some options to make your life easier:

Have you checked if there is a childminder who would do the school run, cutting your drop offs to one on a morning? I offer before school care and some of my kids are dropped in their PJ's and we do breakfast, teeth, sort hair etc and then I drop them at the school bus.

Can you move closer to school? Either yours or your child's? I honestly don't care if it makes your husbands life more difficult, he can put up of fuck off.

Arrange a meeting with your HOY and SLT to discuss some extra support. There might not be anything available but they should at least be able to offer some advice on how to manage the workload.

On the days he's at home with the kids, stay later and do marking / prep. He needs to handle it. Tell him you are putting your phone on silent, get your head down and plow through. You'll get more done between 4:30 and 6 than you will at night because you won't be seething with resentment, be worrying about all the house things you need to do and be breaking off for things. I'm guessing he regularly disturbs you when you are working, either with silly requests, pointless interruptions or making stupid noises while playing his games.

Have a chat with your union. See what support they can offer.

Finally, do you have any family you can go stay with in half term for a day or 2? Ask them for support, be clear why you are asking.

Don't cover for his laziness, make excuses for him or any of the things I'll bet you usually do.

Oh, and google how to cut wires internally on a playstation. Someone somewhere must know how to break one without making it obvious it was you.

Days he's not at work take the PlayStation with you!

This is all tough to read.

OP, I wouldn't rush into anything but I would definitely start putting my ducks in a row.

Go to CAB or a solicitor and get some proper advice.

Speak to your D Head / Head and get some support. Your current situation is ridiculous. No human could do all that and stay healthy long-term.

Could you look at getting a child-minder either nearer to home or the school?

Look at ways to cut corners so you can get more rest. Stay later at school so you can finish working earlier and wind down before bed.

Get copies of all your financial/house documents including his if you can. Hide these with your passport, marriage certificate etc. Maybe ask a trusted friend to hold them for you? (I'm not saying to hide his stuff from him but to take copies and hide them. I say this because my father lied considerably to my mum about his assets.) You could look into getting one of those secret safes, like the ones that look like a plug socket.

Don't tell him anything until you have secured yourself. You'll probably find that taking this action will give you more energy.

Good luck with it all.

OK - a couple of immediate practical things. Stop spending 10-15 minutes every morning getting him out of bed. I appreciate this may make the kids late for school but he needs to fail to realise you're not his safety net. And when they are, and he attempts to blame you for this, don't accept it.

Two - his claim you're having an affair if you mark at school is only to get you home so he doesn't have to look after the children. He's training you. Mark at school.

So who takes the DC to the cm if you have to be at work at 7.30? he must have all the work of getting them up and dressed and fed and to the cm before he begins a 10 hour shift.I think it may 6 and two threes.

Dear goodness @permatiredmum are you serious? That is not an equal share of work!

But he takes them to the cm even on his days off perma. Then is at work on ops days off when she has the kids all day. He has plenty of ‘me time’ to catch up on his sleep while the children are at school/cm. .

Didn't see his kids for TEN weeks? Unless he was either literally on the other side of the world or in prison (or away on exercise with the mililtary) it's inexcusable. How the fuck did he get 10 weeks off work?

You deserve better and so do your kids. He's using you as a doormat. Fuck him.

what are you his mum getting him out of bed?

hes got a phon surly he can get up himself

tell him its not on then watch him leeav and wave goodbye

He needs and deserves to CHILL in the evenings.

In addition to his CHILL in the mornings before work, and on his days OFF?

Ask him next time he mentions it when exactly your CHILL time is

This man seems to have no redeeming features whatsoever. My heart goes out to you op. I can't see that your family routine is sustainable as it is. Five and a half hours sleep a night is just unsustainable!

I'd write him a letter and tell him you're not intending to argue with him as it's not negotiable, but that his behaviour has to change forthwith, otherwise you will be divorcing him. If he tries to discuss it or gets angry, just reiterate what he says to you- you don't want an argument!

Make it very clear in the letter that he has to shape up or ship out! Set out what you want him to do, and that you will be working at school later on his days off, and that he alone is responsible for seeing to the children on these days, and for the housework.

Set your phone alarm to wake him up in the mornings and put it on the other side of the room, so he has to get up to answer it. if you have any old phones, set those too to go off every few minutes in various places in the bedroom

Let him leave if that is what he threatens. Claim maximum maintenance from him, as it doesn't sound as though he'll bother keeping much contact with the children.

Learn to drive, or think about a move to a more suitable area where you can work and have childcare etc closer together- it'll make a huge difference to the daily ease of your life!

In the meantime, go to bed on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays at 8pm and also on the days that husband isn't working. (You'll have done your lesson prep by staying on at school, and husband has all the responsibility for dealing with the kids and cooking- you could go to bed just after dinner) Also go on holiday over half term, just you and the dc- it'll give you some thinking time, and be enjoyable.

Once you're getting a bit more sleep, you'll be stronger and more able to think about what is best for you and the dc in the longer term. It does sound as though you'd be much better off without him in your life- the astounding level of resentment at his laziness and lack of care and respect towards you will eat you up more and more.

You deserve better and so do your kids. He's using you as a doormat. Fuck him.
No, don't fuck him.

Ye Gads, he’s fucking awful.

OP- This is a country mile away from normal.

He is lazy, entitled, nasty, controlling, unfair and an appalling excuse for a partner/father.

He is also used to getting his own way, making you feel guilty.

Time for that to end. For your sake/sanity/health and for your kids. You know this and whilst it may seem a mountain to climb, it is not insurmountable and you CAN do it.

So you need to kick emotion to the kerb and take action practically. What’s your living situation? Mortgage? Rent? Joint bank accounts? There are loads of lovely mn’ers who have experience in this area who can help.

Do you have family and friends who will support you through this?

You need a plan.

OP, I'm another voice saying LTB, this man is simply not good enough.

I recently left someone after 30 years. Yes, it was hard, and yes my DCs are teens and can look after themselves.

But I left it too long, and should have gone when they were similar ages to yours. Because children are adaptable, and not growing up in the toxic environment may have meant my DCs didn't end up with the mental health issues they currently have, and I would not have suffered from low self esteem and anxiety. I was scared and felt I wouldn't be able to do it, that's how much my confidence had been knocked.

It's much calmer alone, and the DCs are getting help, so we'll be good. And I'm not stressed out trying to get everything done while Ex swans around doing nothing.

You shouldn't be paying for childcare if he is at home. He should be doing the house work on his days off during the week and cooking dinner.

However I do get the staying up until 2.30 when he finishes so late as it is quite difficult to switch off enough and go straight to bed . Maybe he could sort the kids stuff/do ironing/dishes when he gets home!

I have just read your children don't get up until 8am! Surely he could manage that one day a week even if he goes to bed at 2.30.

I went to bed at 2.30 on Friday night, I was perfectly fine getting up with the kids at 8 on Saturday!