To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

[BeauMirchoff]

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

I get up at 5.30 because I need to leave before 7 to get to work at 7.30. It also takes me 10-15minutes to get DH out of bed in the mornings. He takes the kids to childminder/school then comes home, plays on his playstation and goes to work. On his days off he does the same but then picks the kids up at 3 and 3.30.
I have been thinking of staying at work longer on days that he's off but then I get the "why can't you work at home?""who are you cheating on me with?""WHEN are you going to be home?"
Once the kids have gone to bed, he's back on the playstation/phone. There is a pile of clean clothes on our sofa that I just haven't had the time to put away. He hasn't bothered. He needs and deserves to CHILL in the evenings. Ugh. The more I write, the more I realise how self-centred he is.

I really feel for you OP, just joining the chorus of people saying ltb, your life will be easier and calmer.

And I work in a secondary school. But for some funny reason I ended up with quite a lot of classes so marking is a bitch. Plus I'm always worried that my lessons aren't good enough.
And I agree with the poster who said it's all dancing and singing now. It's a circus.

I feel a bit sick reading this. It all sounds so familiar, right down to the work times. Luckily we didn't have children together although my daughter from a previous relationship was with me 100% of the time.

Looking back I'm horrified by how dependent I became - not in practical terms as I did everything, but mentally.

Please do yourself a favour - pick a fight and watch him sail triumphantly out the door, then change the locks (yes I know everyone will say that's illegal but as long as he thinks you're devastated without him he won't even try to come back).

In the meantime, squirrel away as much money as you can along with documents etc in preparation for when he gets nasty.

No-one leaves their children with no contact for 10 weeks and shouts down their partner for being honest. He's not normal, get rid of him

There's no middle ground here, is there? If you speak your mind - your words are either twisted or he punishes you by leaving. So you can't win...

He can't see past his own selfish need. Personally, I'd be getting my ducks in a row. Because, you are effectively already a single parent.

He won't change either, if anything, he'll get progressively worse.

All I really wanted was one fucking lie in. Or just to be alone for an hour or two in my bed and not having to attend to anything or anyone.

You wanted the lie in - therefore, he made damn sure you didn't get one. Because, that's in his realm of control.

All his behaviours are controlling/manipulative. So, when he does ALLOW you a tiny snippet of YOU time you'll be grateful.

He doesn't think you're cheating he is just guilt tripping you because he wants you home looking after the kids so he doesn't have to. There is no way to "win" with a man like this. You know it as well that's why you say you can't go away and leave the kids with him because he will at best neglect them, or at worst engineer some accident which will leave you horrifically guilty and unable to leave them with him again (which is exactly how he wants you to feel).

You've had a lot of advice about your DH.

From the teaching point of view you are doing too much and you will burn out. It's part of the reason so many people leave teaching in the first few years.
I'm primary rather than secondary but have felt a similar way and that all I did was work. It was only when one day I ended up sobbing at school that the deputy head told me I was doing too much.
You're in at 7.30 so what exactly do you do in the hour or so before school starts? Setting up? Photocopying? Think about what you can do when you plan e.g. making a flipchart as it's often easier to do while you plan.
Planning are you planning daily for the next day? Do you not have existing schemes of work to follow? Not every lesson is going to have whistles and bells so give yourself a break.
Marking is tough. I don't know what you teach but I'm assuming it's something marking heavy like English? Try to do more peer marking if you can. Check out the marking policy does every piece need to be marked and given feedback in detail? The stories I hear from our local high schools is barely anything gets marked

Finally you need to speak to someone at work. Is your HoD helpful? Do you have a mentor?

So sorry to hear you are going through this, he sounds a peach 🍑. I would have thought a sharp shock would maybe have him pulling his socks up until I read he didn't see his kids for 10 weeks. I think you might find you will be completely alone if the worst comes to the worst, sorry. Still it sounds like it would be more peaceful.
Can I ask what you do for 1.5 hours before leaving the house? I get up 30-45 mins before I have to leave the house and that is getting DS (7) and me out (him to breakfast club) and if I have forgotten that i also have to throw together a packed lunch for him. can't you sleep till 6.20 and have a granola yogurt and banana at your desk?

Beau you've been emotionally beaten down so much your understanding of what fair looks like is so far off the mark.

One lie in a week is the absolute minimum of what this man should be doing. You both work full time so every chore and childcare should be split 50/50.

Im in a similar situation to you in which my job is 9 to5 with a lot of additional hours at home and my DH is shift worker - we have had quite a few conversations/argument about work/life balance and stress but the difference is we talk through it and try to check in with eachother so we know who needs more downtime due to deadlines ect...

This man is refusing to open a dialogue, you have no option but to walk away....put your big girl pants on and at half term make some solicitor appointments, i would be very concerned that your close to a breakdown.

Ltb.

Go part time. Top up with tax credits while your dcs are small. Get as much as possible in maintance from him. Assume he won't see his dcs regularly because he is a cunt.

But as a single parent you will be happier and calmer and spend less time feeling fucked over. Don't underestimate how draining it is living with someone like him.

And from now until you have left him do whatever work you need to do in school. If he phones you kicking off tell him you are at work and will be home when you have finished working.

He is a vile, abusive cunt.

@geekone I have a shower every morning. It wakes me up.
I take the bus at 6:45.

Usually on these threads I read a load of comments saying "leave him" and I think it's funny.

On this thread I am absolutely gobsmacked you are still there. Leaving might mean you probably still won't get a break, but your mental wellbeing will improve not having to answer to your slave worker!

OP, just so you know you're doing a cracking job raising your family

This was me many years ago - different profession but similar scenario. To all those say that OP's H should be doing 50% of childcare, housework etc I totally agree; he SHOULD be but what ( if like my ex) he doesn't ? I tried going out early one day and returned at tea time to 2 children still in pyjamas having more or less fended for themselves while their lazy Dad " relaxed ". I tried just lying in bed while children cried to get up but he refused. The fact is if someone will not step up there is little you can do.
In my case we divorced . Other factors at play- DA and infidelity but I simply couldn't take any more . Believe me, being a single parent is hard but it is easier without a man child in the house.
Also, to all those saying that OP should insist on 50/50 care, what if he refuses? My ex hardly saw our children for months and he NEVER had them overnight despite being awarded residential access every other weekend. He saw it is a " punishment " for me divorcing him. Your H sounds similar.
I echo the others saying you should leave. You will certainly be happier as will your children. My now adult children say they had a happy childhood with me and a few years later, with my second DH. Good luck💐

Can you imagine being with him for the rest if your life? This man who gets 2 days a week to slob about and who sees his wife working until midnight, but won't help her at all?

He's a nasty man and you should leave him.

OP I think what you need is a well deserved break. Last year I had a moment where it all just got on top of me. I had a 4 year old and twin 2 year olds and hubby who worked very long hours. I was just exhausted. I booked my local premier lodge for 1 night, checked in at 2pm, told my hubby I'll be back the next day and literally did nothing. Took my laptop with me with loads of funny movies, took loads of snacks, ordered pizza and sat in bed eating and watching movies for the whole day. Next morning had a lie in and went down for breakfast and they even gave me a late check out for free! I needed that so badly. Just to be able to sleep with no wake ups, have no one to tend to in the morning. Do something for myself. My brain needed to recharge. Did me the world of good. I could actually think without 3 kids screaming out mummy all the time. You need to get away, relax and really think if you still want to be in this relationship. It sounds to me like you're doing everything by yourself a way. What exactly is hubby brining to you life? We all need time to ourselves and if hubby won't allow you a lie in, just get away for the night and he'll have no choice but to sort out the kids

OP listen to oldbut and leave your H. You WON'T regret it.

MsWanaBanana normally I would agree with you. In this case I think the OP would be punished in various ways if she dared take at time for her own happiness.

I expect to be told I'm 'projecting' which seems to be said quite a lot on MN lately, but I can't help feeling as though this guy is very bad news indeed

^ take any time

T his sounds so miserable for you. I felt truly sorry. I would divorce him- bastard

I agree with you Dutch.

Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head re. not really being in touch with reality any more.

This is so far from normal.

It's heartbreaking to see you live like this, subject your children to this (it's not normal or good for them to see this relationship played out in front of them, or to have their understanding of a father figure as someone who just disappears for ten weeks, or for you to know you just couldn't be so cruel to them as to leave them in his care for more than a short period) - all because you have in your head some mirage of a 'good man' you once knew.

Let me tell you - that man never existed. Good people don't just turn into selfish, aggressive, nasty characters just over time. No, what happens is that when you don't have children, a man with a partner like you - someone kind, unassuming, caring - can do a good impression of a normal, caring person themselves because nothing is ever really asked of them. It's when the chips are down you see what someone is made of. This guy is made of shit.

It's about more than practicalities. You NEED to leave this scumbag because right now you are being ground down emotionally to the point where you and your kids are suffering. I promise you, any extra stuff you have to do will feel like nothing - because you will be free of feeling like this, feeling like you are being spat in the face constantly simply by him being there watching you slave and stress while he chooses to 'relax'. You can stop feeling like that, you can become instead the presence your kids need - someone who laughs, who is super busy but ultimately the master of her own destiny.

I've nothing to say about him, he'll probably contribute nothing because he IS nothing. Emotionally, it will be a net gain for the children because right now they see him abusing you, and they are absorbing that message - this is how a mum is treated. This is how 'people who love each other' are . This is what a parenting team looks like. Get out before your son becomes a lazy abusive teenager or your daughter gravitates to men who act like abusive boors.

Re work. If you have a disproportionately heavy workload, can you raise this? Ask for a meeting to discuss your working pattern and if there are obvious potential changes (are you doing a LOT more than others? Could some classes you have be shared?) be upfront - you don't want to burn out, here's a solution, can things be tweaked?

This is not a nice man at all OP.

The way he acts and behaves is not right and not a acceptable. You shouldn't allow him to treat you so badly because I really don't think he cares about you at all.

I've read your posts and all I can think is "Why does this woman think this is all she deserves?"

Life is short OP, do not waste it on this awful man.

I felt exhausted when I read your day and how little your H puts in. I actually felt a bit embarrassed that I sometimes feel tired and wished my DP did a bit more but I have it easy compared to you.

Without him you will be better off. The emotional burden of him is likely making you tired too.