AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

[silverylamp]

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

I agree with others, you do sound quite cagey. You wrote more at the start of the thread, but as soon as we started "prying" and asking more questions, you have shit down. Do you think you approach relationships and dates the same way? You're on an anonymous forum where loads of people share some of their most intimate secrets, but you aren't giving us a lot of info that might indicate why you might find it difficult to form relationships. I'm not being accusing, but if you're doing it on an online forum, you might well be doing it even more in real life.

Shut down! Not shit

I don't know you at all of course, but I get your question I think. I have one or two friends who have never really met someone once in their late 20 - they are now in their late 30s. No objective reason why - attractive, successful, have friends etc. I have other friends who I know would never be single for long. Not because they're more beautiful or anything objective. I don't really know why. It's something I've pondered.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. But I'm fairly sure if I hadn't been I'd be single. I have some great friends but they are long standing ones. I simply don't connect with new people that easily or quickly without a lot of effort and time. Perhaps it's the same for you? It's not that there is anything wrong with you just there are fewer people who will be right for you so it's a bit harder work. Can't wait about for serendipity to step in...

If you are interested then frankly I think it's a numbers game. You just have to keep plugging away. Of course there are people out there who would work for you.

silverylamp.

Here's a bit of a challenge!, thee and mee have just met on a first date i might ask you what do you do for a living and that I think is a question most any man might ask.

This is a very anonymous forum care to tell me what it is in more than a One line answer?.

And what was this voluntary thing you did care to tell?.

No ... I'm not comfortable with it! Because I am a mess!

IMHO lack of dates is rarely to do with someone’s looks and everything to do with their personality.

OP, do you flirt with men that you like? Is there any man in particular that you’ve had you eye in and not understood why nothing happened? Maybe you give off not interested vibes without realising.

I remember a friend complaining a few years ago that she’d never been proposed to. I replied but have you ever been in a relationship with someone that you wanted to marry. She had to think for bit bit but concluded nope, there was no ex who she’d wanted to marry and therefore she couldn’t complain about lack of proposal.

So rather than think why have I never had s boyfriend, be more specific and think why did that guy I really liked 5 years ago not ask me out?

IMHO lack of dates is rarely to do with someone’s looks and everything to do with their personality.

I agree.
I am not good looking, but never been short of men or relationships.
I ( apparently) am quite easy going, easy to chat to, interested in others, and always have a positive upbeat approach.

Hi Silvery , do you actually want a relationship or do you feel it's something you should do?

I can't help but feel from your responses you either don't really want one and are quite happy but feel you should have one (as that's what people do). Or you've closed yourself off to the idea because you don't think it will ever happen for you.

It would be useful to try and get to the bottom of it from a personal level, because, despite what PPs say, you and everyone else know, it's not typical to have got to the age of 37 and never had a relationship.

That's not to say it's wrong, just unusual, so it's informative to have a think why that may be the case.

You do seem closed in your responses despite having posited the question in the first place, but you say you are generally open and more voluable.

I would suggest rather than look for a relationship it might be beneficial to chat through with a trained therapist why you've found yourself here. It may be you actually don't want a bloody relationship but you need to validate that. It may be something in your history is blocking you from putting yourself out there in the right way, it may just be a matter of confidence and learning to read signals.

Who knows?

You are your own woman, and if something about your life is making you less than satisfied you're in a brilliant position to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck.

I do, but I know it won't happen now as I have left it too late.

But you haven't left it too late. You know that's ridiculous. You're 37.

Why do you feel it's too late?

OP you are still young.

I was 36 when I met my now OH.

You are so opaque OP.

I think your chaotic and dysfunctional early years need examination. I'm a big believer in therapy.

You're very young still and I bet you're attractive. Don't let the hurt of your early life rule you for the rest of your life

It is too late, i can't cram twenty years into two.

Gosh you're in your 30s. It's dead easy. Do you want a man? You may not really want one at heart.
If you do want one then just get on with it - there are loads of men out there. Some of it's very obvious stuff about cleavage - sorry to be blunt and just being a nice person to people. It is definitely not too late.

Also if you want babies but not a man then that's possible too.

You don't have to cram twenty years into two. You know that's irrational.

But you are talking about loss, what you've lost from those years...what do you feel you've lost, that you can't get back?

This is bigger than a relationship, isn't it.

I suppose so

Well, good luck with it all.

You don't have to cram 20 years into two, you have to work out what you want to do with the next 50 or-so.

You are young, you are so young lovely woman.

Don't spend your years wondering, spend a few years working out why you've got yourself here. Then spend the next 50 working out where you're going next, with a free and open heart.

There is NO FUCKING LAW that tells us what we should do, it seems you had a shitty and chaotic start, but, and it's a big but, you have friends, you have awareness and you live in a country that will help you find answers if you go searching.

Sit down, decide which questions you have, then seek resolutions.

It's not easy, not things of worth generally aren't.

Demographics work against you in your 30's. Most men, especially the most eligible are partnered by then. But I met DH when I was in my mid 30's. We were both recently divorced. We've been together for 20 years now.

For you to have so little "luck" I suspect that you are not sending "I'm available" signals to the men you do encounter, either on the dating site or in normal social situations. I saw you post earlier that you want a relationship but can't imagine having one. I think that you're somehow sending that signal to men.

I think it's harder for men to ask women out because they bear the risk of rejection, which can be quite hurtful. You have to ease their path by encouraging them. You can do that subtly or quite boldly. I actually asked my DH out when I saw him on a dating site. He looked too good to pass up, and I was right. We've been very happy and have two great kids.

She who dares wins.

some of the posts read like some are jovially trying to encourage a six year old to try her vegetables!

Good analogy. A six year old should try her vegetables, don't you think? And someone who is a mess, sad and empty should try counselling, and not resign themselves to giving up. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain, even if like the girl and her veg, it mightn't be pleasant and may take a good while to have an impact.

I think it's harder for men to ask women out because they bear the risk of rejection, which can be quite hurtful.

^^
This

But these days I don't min d asking anyone but there's very few to ask!

Have you tried OLD, not to initially to find your one true love but just to practice opening yourself up to see what works and what doesn't.

Friends who hadn't dated since the 80s or 90s and were out of practice did OLD for a while. Sometimes they met 2 or 3 guys in a day. Just initially going for coffee.

Some of the guys were nice enough some were dreadfull some they really liked but the feeling wasn't mutual and they all started to be able to spot the odd married man.

One did it for a few months before she found a guy who they realised after chatting they had a few joint friends

Her thing was if she had met him in the first few weeks when she was "practicing" he would have probably run a mile.

It was a case of coming off the initial dates making a mental notes of what not to talk about and how to respond to some questions and just keeping themselves in check and not looking too desperate.

Dear Silvery,

I'm male, but I suspect I've been in the same boat as you find yourself. For many years I suffered from a mild depressive condition. I'm not bipolar (the ups sound like fun!) and it's fairly rare for me to hit absolute rock bottom but a lot of my life has been spent being in a low mood and lacking in self confidence. I've not always been single but my low mood has killed a number of relationships and, if I do become too low, my 'social skills' tend to escape me - not seriously so, but enough, let's say, to make people fail to enjoy my company...

What really changed my life for the better was taking up tango. Seriously, it's a fabulous cure all; It''s good exercise (mildly aerobic, not full on like salsa or ceroc); the people who do it tend to be a bit more mature (30 upwards); they also tend to be fairly intelligent (it's not easy to learn, you need brains to really 'get it') and the conventions of tango are such that you get to meet people for a short, manageable, periods (a typical dance with a new partner lasts about 10mins and then it's over) and so conversation with new partners doesn't become too onerous.

Most importantly - and this is the crucial bit about tango - you get a lovely warm hug to nice music. I actually find it quite meditative, it's the only thing that succeeds in emptying my mind (far better than bloody mindfulness!).

It's considered bad manners (by either sex) to be "on the pull" and only to dance with "attractive" partners - so everyone gets a look in. Lots of singles do it but being too flirty is kind of frowned upon (pervy blokes tend to give up or are thrown out rapidly on their ears by the course leaders - they tend to drive away potential clients). But people do get together and form friendships and even form proper relationships over time. I met my partner (in life) dancing tango five years ago.

If you do get it, it's highly addictive. I've been doing it for several years now and it's taken me to some amazing places all over the UK and Europe.

Unless you're dead set against dancing, full stop, I'd recommend it to anyone as a great way of meeting people in a non-threatening environment and doing something that's both sociable and highly rewarding. I'd go so far as to say it probably saved my life.

I sincerely hope things work out for you.

Tango Hugs
Snot99

OP, good on you for starting this thread: you have guts.

This may not help at all, but here are examples of women I know who have been perennially single and who (I'm male) I like but can't imaging e myself ever fancying.

Two are very religious: to the extent that everything else is an afterthought. It would be like making a pass at a nun.

Two are painfully shy and although friendly enough are hostile to any sort of personal question. So, they are familiar strangers, rather than friends, and I think one is very lonely.

By contrast I have a friend who was single for years. She is not good looking. Still, had I been single I'd have chased her because she is someone who I think would be giving in a relationship (happily, she has met someone). Her looks would not have put me off.

I myself, although now married for over a decade, had a dreadful run on the dating scene when I was younger, and I've often thought about the reason why. Probably because I'm short, slim and often ill at ease in social situations. So I didn't give the impression of having much to offer. I can count on one hand the number of women I dated, including DW.

Oh. Online dating is shit. I'm not criticising the people who do it, it's just unutterably shit. Don't waste your with it.

Snot