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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

255 replies

silverylamp · 07/10/2017 15:58

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/10/2017 18:22

I suppose I want to understand why no one wants me

I suspect no one has been given the opportunity to get close enough to you, emotionally speaking. And you giving up and resigning yourself to it, despite the fact you say you are unhappy about it, means you will instantly give off a negative vibe and people will assume you are not interested.

Being single is great, if that’s what the person actually wants.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/10/2017 18:24

Oh and I meant to ask, have you ever spoken to a nice man in a pub or a bar or something, and asked him if he'd like a drink? Have you ever approached a fanciable single colleague and suggested a coffee? Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and all that.

I suspect that while you think you are being warm and friendly, and you probably ARE so with your friends, that when it comes to men your defences go up and you expect to be rejected...and the self-fulfilling prophecy happens again.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 18:24

Bit it is true, Carrie, now I am freelancing I would not be missed at work. I own my home outright, so the mortgage company would not come to repossess it. I could easily lie here for many months Sad

OP posts:
Justaboy · 07/10/2017 18:24

Honestly, lovely, i very much doubt it is your looks. Ugly women have boyfriends. Dim women have boyfriends. Even nasty women have boyfriends.

Quite. Next time you are out an about just look at the people on the high street average looking men and women together and how may super models do you see?, how may George Clooney's as well?.

Sod all I'd suggest!.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 07/10/2017 18:25

I suppose I want to understand why no one wants me

Based on this thread, because you aren't really open to them. I believe you that you are warm and friendly, superficially at least, but I'm willing to bet a fairly large amount that you communicate quite clearly that you are closed off to people. It comes across when you talk about your friends as well, and in the fact that what you seem to want from this thread is for us to tell you it's hopeless.

Of course it's not bloody hopeless. But I think quite a number of people are telling you that there is indeed something in how you come across that is limiting you here. No doubt rooted in your childhood - I'm sure you have had experiences which justified being closed off to people.

Have you ever had any counselling? If nothing else, a good therapist could tell you exactly what it's like to try and form a relationship with you.

Fernanie · 07/10/2017 18:26

I suppose I want to understand why no one wants me Grin

Right, but it's difficult for any of us to know that, or even to take a guess at it, when you tell us so little about yourself.
What do you do in the way of hobbies?
What do you think of the way you look?
Do you have a big group of acquaintances or a small group of close friends?
Do you prefer to invite those friends to your home or meet them at the pub?
What line of work are you in?
We can take random guesses as to what might be putting men off, if you want, but we'll all be here a long time trying to figure it out. Or, maybe there's nothing at all putting them off, and you're perfectly lovely, but you work in a female-dominated environment and spend your evenings and weekends at home alone. Or maybe none of those things apply and you just haven't met the right guy yet.
Who knows? Nobody on this thread, because nobody knows anything about you.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 18:30

I probably am quite closed off. I feel uncomfortable when asked about me, because I don't want people to know how empty and sad I am.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/10/2017 18:33

You said earlier you were happy, cheerful and laugh a lot IRL. It’s obvious that’s not true now … well done for opening up and being honest about how you really feel. I’m sorry you feel so empty and sad OP. It’s probably a lot deeper than just missing out on a relationship. Have you thought about seeking help in the form of counselling? Flowers

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 18:34

But it is true! It is only at home I am not!

OP posts:
DeadGood · 07/10/2017 18:35

I have a friend like this. She is fairly nice looking, but - I'm not quite sure how to say this, but here goes - lots of things about her appearance are quite nice to other women, but not so much to men, if that makes sense.
But the main thing is that she can be quite frosty. I love her, but she has a general air of disapproval about her and isn't open or overly friendly. She just gives off the impression of being a "closed shop". I worry about her a bit, as I know she wants a partner but also has no luck.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/10/2017 18:36

OP, that is what I am saying. Being cheerful and happy in front of people and being sad at home means you are hiding your sadness, but you’ve actually opened up about it here which is a good thing. We are genuinely trying to help you, I promise.

Peanutbuttercheese · 07/10/2017 18:41

You come across as quite monotone in your answers just steady answers that's are quite blunt not in a rude way but just factual.There is an art to conversation that's what often holds people's interest and I'm not just talking about romantic partners.

The other thing is do you accept who you are as a person? are you comfortable in your own skin. Being nice is great but it doesn't always hold enough interest for some, I don't mean people should be nasty by the way.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/10/2017 18:42

That poor Joyce Vincent woman had voluntarily cut herself off from all her friends and family before her death, though - i dont think your situation is remotely comparable.

Several people have suggested counselling - it couldn't hurt. In your shoes, i would also be sitting down with my good friends and saying, find me a date, ladies, please!! Make it as jokey as you like, but at least if you try friends of friends, you don't have to worry too much about out and out rejection.

DeadGood · 07/10/2017 18:47

"Look at the long message eebahgum sent you on page 1. Trying to empathise with you. Now look at your reply to her.

Excellent post potato - OP can you comment on this please?

user1490465531 · 07/10/2017 18:48

op I do sympathise.
I'm 38 only ever had one serious relationship and honestly feel I am not what men are looking for.
I feel that most men want a certain look and I really don't have a pretry face or big boobs or something else to stand out.
It is a real problem for some women they just don't attract men.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 18:50

In a way that is worse as I haven't cut myself off!

There are many people who die and are not missed.

OP posts:
Papergirl1968 · 07/10/2017 18:52

I get you. I’m late 40s, went out with a few guys in my early 20s but nothing serious. Wish now I’d been more proactive but online dating wasn’t as acceptable back then.
Now have two dd though, having adopted as a single person.
I think I wasn’t attractive to men either.
I envy friends in loving relationships but I’d rather be single than with the wrong person.

JanetStWalker · 07/10/2017 18:54

Young women these days tend to look very...'polished', very Instagram ready. I often feel quite invisible in my casual, undone style next to these pouting fembot types.

SandysMam · 07/10/2017 18:55

You own your home outright? I'll go out with you misses point of the thread Grin

painauchoc04 · 07/10/2017 18:57

@silverylamp

I am almost 30, a 'forever single' and feel your pain. Many of my friends are in long-term relationships, engaged or married. I feel embarrassed about letting them know how down I can get about being single for so long. I do think there is some luck/timing involved in meeting someone despite what many are saying. I guess absolutely anything can happen in life so who's to say you won't meet a wonderful man tomorrow.

kingfishergreen · 07/10/2017 18:58

I doubt it's your looks, even very very ugly people get partners. NB: I know beauty is subjective.

I doubt it's your personality, even absolute arseholes get partners.

So it must be:

Your behaviour, or opportunity/luck.

By 'behaviour' I don't mean bad-behaviour (that'd come under 'personality') I mean, what you do, where you spend your time, whether you talk to new people.

And opportunity/luck are things you can control. Ok so the opportunity hasn't come along yet, but it doesn't mean it won't.

I hope that narrows it down a bit. I may be wrong, but that's my perception.

notquitegrownup2 · 07/10/2017 19:00

Silvery, you sound a little like my single Aunt. Never could work out why she was single. She is a lovely lady but just never met anyone. She has, however, always had interesting friendships and has been a rock to me. She is a very self sufficient person - though that maybe that's because she had to be. Are you, by any chance, an only child?

On the other hand, I knew someone who had her first date aged 63! She had been a confirmed spinster, living with her sister, and was, as far as I knew, not looking. And he turned out to be a rather wealthy, silver fox. Last I saw of her, she had just returned from their round-the-world honeymoon!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 19:01

I no longer get attention from the opposite sex anymore because I don't look like a pornstar. I'm 25 years old

That’s depressing; where do you live? Thankfully I haven’t encountered this; I’m 27 so there’s not years between us but I look nothing like a pornstar.

MajesticWhine · 07/10/2017 19:19

silverlamp, have you considered some long term psychotherapy ? to explore your approach to relationships and how you communicate with others. It might not give you a magic solution, but it might help you to understand why you are not open to relationships.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 19:19

Maybe. Struggling a bit financially just now Smile

OP posts: