Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

255 replies

silverylamp · 07/10/2017 15:58

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 07/10/2017 19:22

What kind of work do you do?

Spakledsockmonkey · 07/10/2017 19:23

Whoever made the comment about not looking like a porn star and therefore not getting any male attention, what a load of nonsense. Porn stars don’t even look like porn stars. Take away the make up and the camera, they look as normal as anyone else.

OP, you sound lovely and I understand where you are comming from. There is someone for everyone , it’s just down to timing, putting yourself out there and luck. Counseling might help you get to the bottom of why it’s not happened for you.

MatildaTheCat · 07/10/2017 19:30

I have a very good friend who just never met anyone and she came from a very happy home. She'd have loved to get married and have children. Simply never happened. The only possible objective issue was/is that she has really quite bad teeth as in very big gap and sticking out front teeth. Other than this perfectly nice looking. Did it make a difference? Who knows?

I do think, though, that as time went on she gradually became 'single Sally' and stopped making an effort, off putting even.

At 47 she met someone and has been with him ever since. Now mid fifties. Very happy. So it can and does happen.

Although you say you know it won't happen you clearly aren't happy with this so time to rethink. Consider some counselling to explore your feelings and reactions to others. Especially this apparent cheeriness yet closed offness. And consider a singles holiday for mixed groups doing an activity you enjoy...skiing? Diving? Sailing? It gives a common interest and time to get to know the others in a social situation. Worked for several others I know.

MatildaTheCat · 07/10/2017 19:31

I should add that my own teeth are far from perfect, I was just objectively looking for possreasons why she may not have been considered or felt attractive.

L0quacious · 07/10/2017 19:31

Do you think you might have an attachment style that makes you too anxious when you care more than they care, and too ambivalent when they care more than you care, ie, feel stifled by genuine interest?

Alain Robarge has some great clips on that. In my case I think I was anxious preoccupied and I mistook (mistake) a kind of half interested, half in, half out type of interest for ''butterflies''.

I think I've figured out what the problem was / is now. But now I think I'm just too old and nobody wants me, so I wish I'd figured it out earlier.

Maybe assortative mating is wrong in my head. I feel like I'm attractive, slim, healthy, like my life is sorted and I'm solvent with a plan and interests and friends and my sanity and my humour, warmth and intelligence and literally every time I've dated a man even briefly I've felt like it was settling. The men I consider my equals aren't interested. So there's some mismatch there. I must be wrong. My equals must be lower down the food chain than I imagine. But I'm not attracted to them, emotionally, physically.......... so I remain single.

I hope you get to the bottom of it!

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 19:32

Yeah, I think I have sort of written myself off a bit - probably the wrong attitide but hard not to.

OP posts:
Crescend0 · 07/10/2017 19:34

Silvery - it's great that you have posted here because I do think you're getting some really constructive feedback. If you glance back over the thread, you can see how people are asking lots of questions and really trying to offer advice, however so often you're replying with one-line, closed answers. I don't think you mean it at all, but it could be interpreted as a little offhand or even rude, when actually it's probably your defence mechanism. Imagine MN was a man trying to chat with you online. I think he would find it quite hard going to be honest and he could well assume you were trying to shut him down.

It's great that you have friends and lots going on day to day. Do you ever talk to anyone about how you really feel though? I really think you could be totally unaware of the barriers you could be putting up to men. As people say, how can you expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself? Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh because I really don't mean to be at all. As PPs have suggested, perhaps counselling could really help you to begin to open up on an emotional level?

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 19:36

I definitely don't want counselling. I would probably deflect if this was a rl conversation Smile

OP posts:
Crescend0 · 07/10/2017 19:40

Could I ask why you would not consider counselling? What's the worst that could happen?

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 07/10/2017 19:40

Well, there you are then. You aren't finding a relationship because you are deliberately rejecting any genuine human connection and any challenge to your mindset.

Nobody can make a genuine human connection with someone who pretends to be open and outgoing when she's actually closed off, empty and sad. Its just not possible.

It's no skin off anyone else's nose if you're single for the rest of your life. You can certainly ensure that you are if you want. But if you really genuinely don't want that, you need to listen to some of the advice you're getting.

annandale · 07/10/2017 19:41

But why don't you want counselling?

You want to understand more about yourself. You feel your friends would be too nice to be honest about some things. There is at least part of you that would be open to a relationship if it came along, but you are not sure how it would work.

Why on earth do you not want therapy/counselling? Past bad experience?

MatildaTheCat · 07/10/2017 19:45

Serious question: do you do anything at all that is out of your comfort zone?

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 19:46

Yes; I just don't find it helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 19:46

I think I do Matilda

OP posts:
L0quacious · 07/10/2017 19:49

I had psychotherapy, not about this issue specifically but it helped me realise that my parents just weren't that in to me (they were a bit controlling and usen't to let me express any emotion, lots of jollying along) so I didn't feel I could risk being me. I thought that having no needs equalled being nice. Therapy helped me understand this about myself and I can see how that impacts upon relationships.

L0quacious · 07/10/2017 19:51

Brene Browne and Alain de Botton have both written articles/books about vulnerability and daring to be vulnerable.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 19:53

I read stuff and it makes sense but then I can't actually change. I have really tried.

OP posts:
L0quacious · 07/10/2017 19:57

So you ''deflect'' when anybody gets too close.

L0quacious · 07/10/2017 20:00

Have you tried being really honest with somebody even if it scared them away?

Once you've risked being your real self, it feels brave. IF somebody is scared away by your bravery and you bringing your real self to the fledgling relationship then they weren't right for you. Keep risking being your real self. Don't deflect.

I dated a man who hid behind humour. It was exasperating. He was really good company but whenever I tried to ask him anything personal he would go in to stand up mode.

OverlyYappy · 07/10/2017 20:03

I'm 43 and divorced been separated since I was 35 I tried online dating but it felt like serial dating, I met so many men but didn't click with them all, so gave up and looked forward to single life. I'm quite happy being alone. I have 2 children.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 20:04

Yes I suppose I do do that.

OP posts:
L0quacious · 07/10/2017 20:15

You're being quite cagey! You started the thread. I think you want to confirm your worst fears.

Is it a case of there is nothing worse than raised hope?

I do get that too.

I also get that there is dignity in not currently trying. I'm not currently trying either. I tried for 2 years and it was tiring. I learnt a lot though. I know now my boundaries weren't high enough starting out. I'll get back in to it in a while but men on line are very entitled, all trying to meet a woman who wouldn't notice them in real life! They don't seem to approach it with any sense of realism at all. So it's hard. I'd prefer to click with somebody in real life. But like you, although I click with men in real life and even occasionally feel mutual attraction, it's never followed up. I don't think I've ever won anybody over sufficiently that they put them self out there and asked me for a date.

bridgetreilly · 07/10/2017 20:19

I suppose I want to understand why no one wants me

Asking people online who've never met you is not going to help. Talk to some of your friends who've known you for years and can be honest with you.

florascotianew · 07/10/2017 20:21

OP, you've had lots of good advice here. I think some sort of non-threatening counselling might very well help. But I also think , as others have said, that relaxed confidence in yourself and being comfortable 'in your own skin' is more than half of the battle. Don't shut yourself away but don't follow try-hard tramlines, either. Just be what you want to be, do what you want to do, be your own confident person - anything that floats your boat so long as you don't shut yourself down completely.

I was living a free and happy single life after an unhappy relationship when I went to - of all things - a protest meeting about local authority cuts to services. (This was long, long before the 2008 recession, but I expect similar protests still take place. ) Romance could not have been further from my mind. The man who is now my husband saw me there and said that what I said - it was nothing out of the ordinary or dramatic or revolutionary, just common sense (IMHO! ) - made him want to know me better. But I had meant what I said at that meeting. I was being 'me', and that somehow appealed to my now DH. Everything else just followed on from there.

I'm not saying that you should join in silly/dangerous protests, or support causes that you don't believe in. But being yourself among others - in whatever form that takes - does give people a chance to get to know you in a much more natural and safer way than online dating.

FloControl · 07/10/2017 21:22

I definitely have a resting bitch face. My mum always used to say I had a permanent frown and I have had all sorts of people telling me to smile over the decades. That's me though. If I smiled permanently folk would think I was an escaped mental patient. I concede that I may exude a bad vibe, however.