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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sorry for a mother with a very high achieving child, school gate bitching...

103 replies

muuuuuumy1 · 05/10/2017 21:11

Bit of a background, aspirational shools with very aspirational middle class parents, most looking towards 11+. School is excellent & teaching also.
A girl in dd's class who she would be friendly with is a very high achiever, wins alot of school awards, local art & music awards & is very talented. The mother is just like the rest of the mums in the school however she is alot more open eg admitting her child is getting tutoring - all the kids are both parents won't admit it, she is open about her aspirations for her child & shares her achievements on facebook like many proud parents.
However this has led to said woman who is always very friendly, chatty being completely cut to shreads by the other mums in the class, they are very catty saying she's pushy, boastful & her dd also pushy & bossy. The daughter is fine, very busy with all her extracurriculars so doesn't really hang out with friends but that could be said for alot of the class too. I don't really understand the bitching & hostility towards this lady... it's horrible to listen to. Her dd won a music award last Friday & received her award monday, I congratulated the mum on Monday at collection to say I was very happy for her child but the other mums stayed silent. It's ridiculous, all think their dc should be the best... I think maybe the mum is too open about her aspirations especially in such a competitive school... Aibu to feel sorry for her?

OP posts:
soupforbrains · 05/10/2017 21:14

Gosh what a catty bunch they sound. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but then you already knew that really.

It's awful when the school-gate crowd get cliquey and bitchy whoever is on the recieving end. It sounds like this mother is really rather a nice person so perhaps just make a point of being friendly. She'll appreciate it enormously even if your actions don't turn the tide of behaviour from other parents.

Silver47 · 05/10/2017 21:14

no

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/10/2017 21:14

YANBU

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 05/10/2017 21:17

Sounds like a horrible culture surrounding that school.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 05/10/2017 21:19

They do sound bitchy but her facebook sounds a bit sickening!

3boys3dogshelp · 05/10/2017 21:19

Hmm I can see both sides of this. It's great to be proud of your child. I am also really happy for other children when they do well, especially if I've known them since they were tiny.
There are a small group of mums at my dc's school who only talk to to me or post on FB to talk about their child's achievements and ambitions. It's pretty boring as a topic of conversation after a while and it's not very considerate of people whose dc may be struggling so I don't bitch about them but I do minimise time spent with them hide on the other side of the playground.
I have also found that as these families have got to the older end of primary that their children have picked up an extremely competitive way of talking to their friends and are forever comparing themselves and saying how great they are at xyz...maybe that's what they are aiming for but it doesn't endear them to people imo.

BakedBeans47 · 05/10/2017 21:21

They all sound pretty awful tbh.

Loopytiles · 05/10/2017 21:23

She sounds irritating and they sound mean.

Original poster
muuuuuumy1 · 05/10/2017 22:07

She is nice, keeps to herself a bit, I think she is oblivious to it all as she is so wrapped up in her child. So are the others but they are very closed, most of the kids in the class are being tutored for 11+ but parents won't admit it & say they are doing the work themselves. This lady is very open & has said her dd has a tutor to ensure she gets exam technique.
I think the problem is the parents see her dd as a threat to theirs & they don't like it. The school itself is very good, we are happy, the parents are like they are back in school though, all feel their child is the best...

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 05/10/2017 22:24

I don’t think I could be doing with either her or the other mothers OP. I find mothers whose entire existence revolves round their kids extremely tedious

Danceswithwarthogs · 06/10/2017 22:12

Sounds like she needs a friend Smile

cafenoirbiscuit · 06/10/2017 22:16

I've never seen worse behaviour than that of the parents at the school gate. I'm glad to be out of it !

Original poster
muuuuuumy1 · 07/10/2017 22:12

Our school is notorious, she's a nice lady & doesn't stick around for the school gossip, she's always in a hurry but when she does chat she is very open about her aspirations & her childs achievements. Don't think she is competitive as she seems so wrapped up with her own child.
School is a hothouse & parents are very driven but in a private way-tutors names aren't shared & most parents won't admit they are getting any tutoring. This mum just leaves herself wide open to cattiness & bitching as she's going against the current culture of the school gate parents, the dads are just as bad as the mums...

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 07/10/2017 22:20

They all sound really boring OP and the others sound bitchy to boot.

Loopytiles · 08/10/2017 07:50

Putting “proud” stuff on social media is still boasting, and is annoying if frequent.

FanDabbyFloozy · 08/10/2017 07:58

Can you share the area? Your post is an interesting window into a crazy world and if put my money on it being London/S.E. There are a few hothouse preps near me and I'm always staggered when the parents complain about the competition when they chose it exactly for that reason!

Off topic but if the children are in a hothouse achool, why do they need to be tutored as well?

Neither the lady in question or the school gate mum's sound like fun people tbh.

Topnotes · 08/10/2017 08:03

The culture of the school and its parents sounds awful.

Headofthehive55 · 08/10/2017 08:06

Sounds awful.
I'm really happy when one of my friends kids does well.
But then, I achieved myself so feel I have nothing left to prove.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/10/2017 08:08

That's the question I was about to ask.
Is the school that great if the parents still have to pay for a tutor.

Who is actually getting the results the school or the tutors

2ndSopranos · 08/10/2017 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanDabbyFloozy · 08/10/2017 08:30

@2ndSopranos - not where we live. Music is just as recognised as sports. However school sports (esp teams) are recognised the most.

FanDabbyFloozy · 08/10/2017 08:31

We should all just agree that posting our children's achievements on FB should be a nice rare occasion!

MidniteScribbler · 08/10/2017 08:34

It sounds like this woman needs to buy a clue and realise that her behaviour is putting people off. Being open about your 'aspirations' and constant bragging on facebook is annoying. Newsflash - no one gives a shit, and people who do this can't really complain when others don't want to spend time with them or listen to their constant single topic.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 08:36

Whilst she sounds like she is excessively pushy in my opinion, at least she is honest about what she is doing and is friendly. I'm sure i might Hmm if i saw yet another update on facebook, but who cares. I'd rather see that than a stupid 'uh is it wine o clock DC have already trashed the living room like little monsters. Almost time for some booby cuddles with the little one'

The other parents sound like they are doing all the same things but it's very cloak and dagger, knife in thr back, hate seeing other children achieve.

I would rather be friends with thr friendly sharer than the group who enjoy bitchinb.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2017 08:39

"She is nice, keeps to herself a bit, I think she is oblivious to it all as she is so wrapped up in her child."
"doesn't stick around for the school gossip, she's always in a hurry but when she does chat she is very open about her aspirations & her childs achievements. "

So she has one topic of conversation, how well her child is doing? I can see why that would get her excluded from conversations, tbh.

How you are perceiving her is one take on it.

They see it another way and have a right to.

It isn't that they aren't open about extra tutoring, it's because it's in bad taste to bang on like she is.

We all met Parents that think their child is the second coming, they are generally best avoided.