To feel sorry for a mother with a very high achieving child, school gate bitching...

[muuuuuumy1]

Bit of a background, aspirational shools with very aspirational middle class parents, most looking towards 11+. School is excellent & teaching also.
A girl in dd's class who she would be friendly with is a very high achiever, wins alot of school awards, local art & music awards & is very talented. The mother is just like the rest of the mums in the school however she is alot more open eg admitting her child is getting tutoring - all the kids are both parents won't admit it, she is open about her aspirations for her child & shares her achievements on facebook like many proud parents.
However this has led to said woman who is always very friendly, chatty being completely cut to shreads by the other mums in the class, they are very catty saying she's pushy, boastful & her dd also pushy & bossy. The daughter is fine, very busy with all her extracurriculars so doesn't really hang out with friends but that could be said for alot of the class too. I don't really understand the bitching & hostility towards this lady... it's horrible to listen to. Her dd won a music award last Friday & received her award monday, I congratulated the mum on Monday at collection to say I was very happy for her child but the other mums stayed silent. It's ridiculous, all think their dc should be the best... I think maybe the mum is too open about her aspirations especially in such a competitive school... Aibu to feel sorry for her?

They sound miserable, but sadly, ime, that's the norm. I know so many parents like this: 'secretively' competitive (won't admit they help or get help for their children) who resent the successes of other children. I liken it to people who think happiness is rationed like a pie: the happier someone else is, the less there is for you. Only they look at is as achievements for their children: if X's child has done really well in an are, that's less success and attention available for their own child, even though that is not the case.

I have been on the receiving end of this behaviour for my own choices regarding my children's education and their school and extracurricular accomplishments, which they work very hard for, and it's not very nice. But it's taught me who my real friends are; sadly they are fewer in number that I thought. Well rid, I tell myself. But it does hurt.

Boasting about your dc's achievement is similar to posting on Facebook to all your work colleagues "I got a great appraisal at work today, best in the team, huge pay rise, told I'm up for the next promotion, I am so pleased with myself all my hard work has paid off". While you might tell this to your closest friends and family you just wouldn't share with your work mates, school gate acquaintances etc.

It is part of their personality to boast and at the same time not be aware of others reactions (or be aware and not give a shit). I don't warm to this type of person either unless they have other outstanding qualities to negate the boasting and would lose patience with them eventually.

Is this a reverse, OP? Are you the Mum?

We are a bilingual family so yes the dcs have picked my language (french).
Ive been told numerous times that the dcs had an unfair advantage, that they shouldn't be in the top class in french so that space could be given to another child who had been working hard.

What no one want to see is that the reason why they are doing well is because they are putting the hard work in (to learn all the spelling, grammatical rules etc... like any other child, french or British). That they had tomoearn two languages when they were little which created some issues too (that monolinguals didn't have). And that, for them to be bilingual, means a lot of work from me to ensure that they had enough exposure - reading, finding programs, games in french etc etc.

The reason for that is that it's easier to think that it just comes naturally rather than the fact the difference is still coming form hard work.

She probably and rightly places more importance on celebrating her child's achievements over trying to appease women who she doesn't really want to be friends with anyway. I would go down this route and if people can't handle it, tough titties. No way I'd be silenced over a few bitches at the school gate.

I would still congratulate her if I were you and show you're above the weirdos

The problem with parents boasting or just talking / facebooking about their children's academic successes is that the parents are taking credit for the achievements i.e. It is something they have done that has led to the child's success. Usually it is down to genetics.

when she does chat she is very open about her aspirations & her childs achievements.

She does sound a bit tedious. I chat at the school gates, but I don't discuss my child's aspirations and achievements. I'm sure the others are all horrible too, mind.

it's hard to see that your life revolves around your child, especially if they are gifted and need a lot of your time.
The fact we all put our children first makes it even harder to see, it's only on hindsight, perhaps years later you can see this.

There are a lot of things I could post on social media about my dd talents, but I don't because not everyone on there needs to be bombarded with her achievements and I got sick of people telling me I should be proud, without social media added.

The parent needs to step back and stop posting about her child so much, being proud still has the same effect if done in private.
I think the behaviour of the other parents whilst unacceptable is pretty ormal for a competitive school.

Perhaps she doesn't need you to feel sorry for her, perhaps she doesn't give a crap what anyone else says, she's proud for her child. Ignoring the facebook stuff, I would say that she is choosing not to engage with the bitchiness and that is something to be admired, not pitied!

They’re just jealous, which is to be expected in such a competitive environment

Totally agree with gillybeanz.
Only place I talk about my ds is on MN. Nobody knows me or my ds.

They're probably jealous because her child gets constant recognition.
It does piss parents off when its the same kids are picked all the time.
That anger always comes out somewhere

Since when do parents who do their very best educationally for their child get bitched about? Shouldn't that be the default approach to raising their child? The other mothers all sound horrible and consumed with jealousy and envy. She should hold her head high and if any of them approach her, tell them where to stick their petty bitching.

irvine

Ditto. There are posters on here that I share things with in private and on here.
I don't post on social media because she doesn't want me to, she saw a post on here a few weeks ago when I'd left it open, she was not happy.
It's hard though because if you have little family to talk to about their achievements, or few parents to sympathise and/or understand the cons as well as the pro's it can become lonely.
I think that's when people turn to telling the world. Like anything else there is a need for balance.

Ditto gilly and irvine. And to my knowledge even then it's not specific about every tiny detail or minor test. I can recall plenty of threads in g&t about problems, or meeting needs, the odd justifiably proud post, but none where we all compare exactly what score our dc got in a class test, or solely to inform people our dc had been selected/won something minor and low key. It's usually only when it's relevant.

As to the mums, at least she is honest about it, but would still bore me. And I'm not keen on placing high academic aspirations on young dc. You should want them to achieve their potential, and as adults be happy.

I think it's also worth bearing in mind that telling all and sundry in rl about how high achieving your dc is doesn't always have the desired result.

I had many private amused moments when parents thought they were impressing me by telling me their kids were doing x,y,z dd wasn't, because they wrongly assumed it was because she wasn't capable, rather than because she had already long passed that point. Even more amusing when they eventually realise why you've kept quiet.

I also think removing yourselves from the competition is a huge bonus for gifted children.
In an environment where they are all gifted I've found the parents are very down to earth, they don't boast as they know the other parents have as much to boast about.
Everyone is the same, even though age, specific talent and experience makes some more advanced than others, all the kids are treated the same by other parents iyswim.

It's a shame some people have nothing better to do than gossip and try to bring others down. She sounds nice and not competitive, just open and perhaps naive about how others can get catty about a genuine enthusiasm for learning. No wonder she doesn't want to hang around and chat with unkind mean types, she will have noticed what they're like. I would make friends with her 🙂

Ditto again gilly. I've also found at dd's it's possible for the kids themselves to be proud of something that is an achievement for them amongst their peers. (rather than something they made zilch effort in and still were the best at). And at hers academic achievement can be celebrated with everything else instead of kept quiet.

There's another way to look at it as well if the child is gifted and you are talking about some unique achievement, the chances are that most people wouldn't understand the level you were talking about, or maybe the amount of work needed to get to the level, if they did understand.

I think this generation may also surprise us as they grow up, as they will be the first generation with the potential of their whole childhood depicted on social media.
Mine has just asked me what I'm posting as she is doing some extra homework as struggles in many academic subjects. I've told her about this thread and she said I better not be mentioning her

Its usually also the ones who are actually quite pushy themselves. Want their dcs to do very well but at the same time refuse to say they have any ambitions for them (again seeing as negative - bettering yourself etc...)

This!!! The parents who are doing the bitching are very competitive but are secretive as they don't want to give other parents info that they could use. The mum is friends on fb with two of the mums & myself & the topic of convo is "did you see what she posted yesterday" poor child, has no childhood"etc....
I am always warm to the mum, I like her, she has no interest in chit chat but she's always cheery, always asks how my dd is & breezes off. The school gate seems to be the last of her worries. She's not from the UK so I gather the sharing on fb may be for her friends & family from her home country to see her dd & share her achievements.

Why are you so bothered about her? She doesn't seem bothered about whether or not people are talking about her, and good for her I say.

I think it's unfair & hypocritical as the same catty mums have their kids in numerous musicical, sport & dance activities as well as tutoring so are the exact same as this woman in their aspirations but don't seem to like her dd achieving so much.... They are secretive & would never admit to tutoring but kids talk.

It's wrong to be pushy and It's wrong to impose your (usually) failed aspirations on your own children.
It's also ridiculous not to congratulate someone for their achievements and begrudge success.
But I have noticed that the greater sin in the UK is always daring to say anything remotely nice about your own children.

The mum is not from the UK subtlecheese, agree that it's is completely frowned upon to mention success at the schoolgate. Kids don't care, my dd is always happy for her friends, it's the mums who are the begrudgers...

TheClaws I thought the same as you - that this is a reverse