To feel sorry for a mother with a very high achieving child, school gate bitching...

[muuuuuumy1]

Bit of a background, aspirational shools with very aspirational middle class parents, most looking towards 11+. School is excellent & teaching also.
A girl in dd's class who she would be friendly with is a very high achiever, wins alot of school awards, local art & music awards & is very talented. The mother is just like the rest of the mums in the school however she is alot more open eg admitting her child is getting tutoring - all the kids are both parents won't admit it, she is open about her aspirations for her child & shares her achievements on facebook like many proud parents.
However this has led to said woman who is always very friendly, chatty being completely cut to shreads by the other mums in the class, they are very catty saying she's pushy, boastful & her dd also pushy & bossy. The daughter is fine, very busy with all her extracurriculars so doesn't really hang out with friends but that could be said for alot of the class too. I don't really understand the bitching & hostility towards this lady... it's horrible to listen to. Her dd won a music award last Friday & received her award monday, I congratulated the mum on Monday at collection to say I was very happy for her child but the other mums stayed silent. It's ridiculous, all think their dc should be the best... I think maybe the mum is too open about her aspirations especially in such a competitive school... Aibu to feel sorry for her?

[LadyinCement]

me too

[LaughingElliot]

I think there are cultural issues at play here. The British are famously unkind about each other.

[SarahJayne38]

Just don't get involved. They are wrong for bitching. But I think the 'proud mamma' type posts on SM are crass and boasty and not my thing. I don't know why the hell people are so damn competitive about their kids these days. It's tedious and reflects badly on them.

[LadyinCement]

Boasting is just not on, whether it is about your dcs, your house, your car, your holidays - anything really. It shows a spectacular lack of self-awareness and thought for other people. Pride is after all one of the seven deadly sins. It's just not a nice personality trait.

That doesn't mean that one can't be proud of one's dcs and their achievements - however great or small. But reserve it for grandparents and the few others who may truly feel happy for you (your dcs). Bragging on social media and boring the pants off other people... poor form.

[Blossomdeary]

Ah well this is what happens at competitive high-achieving schools. Human values go out of the window.

[Coffeetasteslikeshit]

You're right, it is unfair and hypocritical, but you always get people like this. They're called not-very-nice people and the key is to ignore them, which is what this mum is doing. I'm guessing that she's quite secure in herself and so doesn't really care if some emotionally retarded mums are bitching about her.

[EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck]

This is why there are only certain people I tell about DD, funnily enough, one of them is the mum of DS with SEN.

[Want2bSupermum]

OP - If this is a reverse just ignore the women who want to put your DC down. There is nothing worse than parents who tutor their DC and then try to pull down someone who is being honest about it.

At home we have an achievement wall. I have one DC with an ASD diagnosis, another who is struggling a lot in the classroom (academically fine but behavioral is beyond unacceptable) and an 18 month old who is starting speech therapy this week.

What is vital to me as a parent is that I help guide my DC on the path that is best for them. That means my eldest with behavioral issues in the classroom got a $14 milkshake ($20 after taxes and tip was included and yes I was at the cost but couldn't not give it to her based on her achievement) this weekend because she did all classwork in class as asked on Friday. DS, who has ASD, is 4 and won a chess tournament, beating 19 other children who were aged 4-7. DD2 is a model for my friends baby clothing company. She is gorgeous with her auburn hair, porcelain skin and bright blue eyes (looks nothing like here mummy and daddy!). She loved playing and dressing up.

Right now, it's a day off school here, and the elder two are in time out for their terrible behavior towards each other. All very normal!!! I wish my kids were perfect but they aren't.

[gillybeanz]

Ah well this is what happens at competitive high-achieving schools. Human values go out of the window

This isn't the experience of hundreds of parents I know at a competitive high achieving school.
The parents are lovely, supportive and acknowledge by congratulating children's achievements. No bitchiness, or foul play.
There's no need, as all the kids are brilliant. You can say mine has just achieved/ been accepted for xyz and they'll congratulate you and tell you what theirs has achieved and you congratulate them.

[takeiteasybuttakeit]

I also find it tiresome and ridiculously needy that people feel compelled to boast about their children on social media, I can only imagine that it is because they get some puerile gratification from it. Is that why they enter their children into competitions or encourage them to receive markers of achievement in particular fields? If so, it seems silly and really not a good way to raise well-balanced as well as diligent children. If the women in your school are so nasty, and if all that has happened is that they are rude to this women in not offering congratulations, she really shouldn't mind at all. The work itself should be its own reward, and while prizes might be nice they really aren't all that important in the bigger scheme of what helps to forge a successful life.

[Sprinklestar]

1. They're jealous. Idiots.
   
2. It seems such a shame to me that people are so quick to pour scorn on others' achievements.
   
3. Be grateful that your friend has a life that is so much more fulfilling, she doesn't need to spend time chattering about other children's achievements or lack of at the school gates. IME, the only people who get involved in this fuckwittery are the parents with very little else to occupy their time.

[jennawade]

I dunno. She doesn't sound that fabulous to me - anyone who is openly parenting in such a competitive way is opening themselves up to this kind of comment IMO - I hate facebook posts that shout about how fabulous your kids are generally. I'd much rather hear funny stories about them.

But the other Mums don't sound great either - came from exactly that environment and know that admitting to tutoring / being pushy is just not done. That is equally crass in my opinion.

Steer clear of all of them -you're nearly done if you're in year 6?

[guilty100]

I am sorry if I'm being over-cautious here (just massively failed to spot a troll!) but you sound like you are talking about yourself, rather than another Mum?

[Banderwassnatched]

I suppose if you're down with the 'prepping for the 11+' thing this is all part of it. You're all train your kids to compete so it's not really terribly surprising if you're also tearing chunks out of each other, it's the law of the jungle after all! I prefer to gently disenage myself from the preppers, coachers and competitive parents, it's not my bag.

[Clawdy]

They all sound horrendous to me. Would hate to be involved with such a crowd.

[Want2bSupermum]

takeiteasy we post our DCs achievements (such as winning a prize at school or outside of school) because we have family in 3000 mile directions. It is my laziness that I do find it easier to share via FB rather than sending an email with attachments. FB has a handy translation feature for my FIL who doesn't speak English so gets to understand what posts are. He doesn't have gmail and can't figure it out because they don't have instructions in his home language!!! I'm not about to subject DH to being his fathers tech support although I do laugh that with all the difficulties they have using a computer I wonder really how bright our DC are!!!!

[Abbylee]

And the reality is that the harder kids are pushed, the more stress they feel and more trouble they get into in finding ways to escape the pressure of pleasing parents.

If i could go back, i would care much less about school and much more about how happy my dc were.

My dd called me last week crying bc a friend had "fallen" from 5th floor window at university. I called my friend and she said that i was the second mother in a few days whose dc had told them that there was a suicide at university. Her dd came home last spring barely hanging on.

This endless, senseless competition needs to stop. Which one of us thinks that a child who is average but alive is preferred to a suicidal superstar?? Or university student who takes chemicals to sustain themselves?

Our culture needs to stop.

[EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck]

Well at least I can say I don't push DD. She loves learning.

[LewisThere]

The thing is, you don't need to push a really able child for them to excel. They just do it with the same ease than the average child achieve the average level.

I think it's important not to assume that a child that is doing very well has to be pushed by parents.

[Want2bSupermum]

abbey that is such an awful event to happen. There are mothers who post on FB about their DCs achievements and I always comment on them to celebrate their success. What they define as achievement is often very different. With dS having ASD many of the mothers are posting about their 6 year old finally sleeping through the night or taking a subway ride without a meltdown. It's all relative and I'm all for celebrating any accomplishment achieved by a child. It's about building their confidence and self esteem.

There are always parents who push their DC very hard and we have quite a few of those in our school. There is one Chinese mother who is the tiger mothers of tiger mothers. Her 4 year old has piano practice 30 mins a day otherwise they do not get dinner. My DC don't go to their house for play dates anymore. It's not normal and it's not healthy. Those poor DC might get to an Ivy League but they won't be happy and are having a crap childhood. They came to mine and we made cupcakes. I don't think they do anything like that at home which is a huge shame IMO.

[Smartiepants87]

To be honest she sounds obnoxious. There's nothing more worse that self boasting about yourself or your child to put people off someone. I can't bear when people talk (BRAG) about what they brought and how much they paid e.g furniture or a car. It's the same principle here no body likes a bragger. I think this is why people are giving this lady a wide berth if everytime someone talks to her she is boastful about her child's achievements. Naturally I think many people male or female can be irked by this behaviour and have a bitch about it, doesn't make them jealsous. This lady is not endearing herself to anyone.

[unlimiteddilutingjuice]

I hate this kind of thing. I was a high achiever at primary school and remember, even as a small kid knowing that certain parents "didn't like" me. Nothing really overt but just bits a pieces I picked up on. Stuff that other kids repeated to me that their Mums had said at home. Stuff I overheard other Mums say to my Mum.
I suppose they wanted to bring me down a peg or two but I honestly had no idea how to understand what was going on. I just thought for years that there was something a bit off about me and I couldn't expect to get on with "respectable" people.
It wasn't till I got on Mumsnet that I though "Oh, so that's what it was!"

[Fixmylife]

It is true that the high achievers don't really need to be pushed, the motivation comes from within more like a personality trait. Some children are overly compliant so always do everything to the best of their ability with no real analysis of whether it is actually something they want to do. Whatever it is still the child's achievement and not the parent's!

[SarahJayne38]

I agree with AbbeyLee. The pressure being placed on young children is now ridiculous. We live in London and in a grammar school area. I could write a book about the competitiveness. I have had other parents go through DD's books at parents evening before I have had a chance to read them, parents asking about reading levels, sats results, which set she got in at secondary you name it. Dd is average at best so no idea why the interest. My friend works in mental health and said there is a real link between mental health problems and this relentless pressure. I just won't engage in it. My children are doing OK at school, not top of the class but that's fine. They have a couple of hobbies they genuinely enjoy and encourage them to play music as I never had the chance.

I also agree with smartiepants. No one likes a bagger, but for me that's because it's all wrapped up in the stupid competitiveness going on. It's a handy way to filter out potential friends from competitive bores though so SM 'proud mamma' posts have some advantages.

[SarahJayne38]

Bragger not bagger