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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sorry for a mother with a very high achieving child, school gate bitching...

103 replies

muuuuuumy1 · 05/10/2017 21:11

Bit of a background, aspirational shools with very aspirational middle class parents, most looking towards 11+. School is excellent & teaching also.
A girl in dd's class who she would be friendly with is a very high achiever, wins alot of school awards, local art & music awards & is very talented. The mother is just like the rest of the mums in the school however she is alot more open eg admitting her child is getting tutoring - all the kids are both parents won't admit it, she is open about her aspirations for her child & shares her achievements on facebook like many proud parents.
However this has led to said woman who is always very friendly, chatty being completely cut to shreads by the other mums in the class, they are very catty saying she's pushy, boastful & her dd also pushy & bossy. The daughter is fine, very busy with all her extracurriculars so doesn't really hang out with friends but that could be said for alot of the class too. I don't really understand the bitching & hostility towards this lady... it's horrible to listen to. Her dd won a music award last Friday & received her award monday, I congratulated the mum on Monday at collection to say I was very happy for her child but the other mums stayed silent. It's ridiculous, all think their dc should be the best... I think maybe the mum is too open about her aspirations especially in such a competitive school... Aibu to feel sorry for her?

OP posts:
LadyRosalieBeauchamp · 08/10/2017 08:39

That sounds awful but I am not surprised- I hate the fact that some people cannot be genuinely pleased for others.

Pidlan · 08/10/2017 08:43

It's never nice to bitch, so the women shouldn't do that. But these kinds of posts of fb do add to the pressure to be perfect, and have perfect children, and live these wonderful, brilliant lives. I don't think it makes for a healthy society. I know of so many people who use fb for boasting, and giving a very narrow view of their lives.
Someone posted on fb the other day about how their child was struggling with a particular aspect of school social life, and the response was amazing. I think people breathed a sigh of relief that someone was admitting that sometimes, things are imperfect.

ElsieMc · 08/10/2017 08:48

Sounds very familiar. I moved my gs2 (am a grandparent carer) out of a very middle class village school which was similar, but does not in fact sound quite so bad. But then again I didn't stay around for the bitching - heard it all before first time round.

Is it really an environment you want your child in op? So fiercely competitive academically that there is no time to be happy and carefree. I moved my gs to another primary school, more urban, with a wider ranging intake. His teacher, whilst focussed academically, always said he wanted to instil confidence and happiness in the pupils before they moved on to secondary school. Their results (particularly for my gs who was sinking fast in the former middle class school) were really good.

I also found there was no particular atmosphere of bitching there. The parents were generally happy with the school, praising their considerable efforts with all the children, with the emphasis on all.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/10/2017 08:53

Well done you for sticking by her. Try and drag the nicer but sheep parents in with you and have a go at changing the stupid catty culture the parents bring to the gates.

I always find it's the bitchiest parents who are the first to complain when someone so much as disagrees with their own child!

babybarrister · 08/10/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evelynismyspyname · 08/10/2017 08:59

The whole situation sounds weird and unpleasant.

I would suspect that what other parents are reacting badly to is not the high achieving child but the mother's boasting.

Are they all facebook friends? How do they all know so much intimate detail about one another if they mostly keep to themselves?

Maybe chat about more neutral topics is in order, rather than all the intense talk about whose child has won or achieved what.

MissBabbs · 08/10/2017 09:05

School is such a short part of life. The wonder child/children could go on to unhappy marriages/ serious illness / win the Apprentice/ be CEO of some multi-billion company --- or they could just muddle through life like most of us, some bits good, some bits bad. Try to keep things in perspective.

Ktown · 08/10/2017 09:07

We have an aspirational mum like this.
I love her. Firstly because she is honest and second because I pick up tips. Like sticking the reading book in front of my kid while on the drive home. Watch and learn. I am too lazy to do extracurricular though.

user789653241 · 08/10/2017 09:07

Other mums sound unpleasant, but I think the mum of high achieving child is also creating this situation herself by open about everything. She can keep quiet about her dd, people would know anyway if the child has excellent achievement.

NachoAddict · 08/10/2017 09:10

The whole thing sounds awful, don't the parents have any thing else in their life other than their children's success? And at primary school too, they are just children.

I think these parents need a hobby.

LadyinCement · 08/10/2017 09:15

Everything Birdsgottafly said.

She doesn't sound nice and keeping herself to herself is she is bragging on FaceBook.

I wouldn't bitch about her, but I'd certainly give the woman and her wonderful daughter a wide berth.

FlyingElbows · 08/10/2017 10:02

Ktown if you're the mum I have had the misfortune of driving home behind (I also live in a K town!) please stop giving your kid the reading book in the car because you don't pay enough attention to the road and it's a miracle there's not been an accident! If it's not you then it's something to think about Wink

JonSnowsWife · 08/10/2017 10:07

YNBU. DCs old state school primary used to be exactly like this! I often used to think I'd took the wrong turning and ended up at the local prep!

Thankfully I can scare people off easily so I have a very small circle (three) of school mum friends,

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/10/2017 10:13

Another take on this is the mum knows other mums are bitching about her and has rather than shut up, (after all from what you have said other mums were doing and saying the same) she has decided to rank up the bragging.

SoPassRemarkable · 08/10/2017 10:15

I had quite a high achieving dd, one of two at primary to pass 11plus. It wouldnt have bothered me to be honest as i wouldnt want to be friends with twats so i wouldnt need sympathy. However I never posted anything on fb.

LaughingElliot · 08/10/2017 10:16

It’ll all work out though. The girl will continue to achieve and eventually find her way to the company of those more like her, she’ll leave those bitchy bastards far behind.

We had a bit of this at primary about a girl who got a lot of TV and movie work. Some of the parents were ghastly about her. But that girl’s career continues to flourish and those petty bastards who were jealous of a child will stay stuck in their shrivelled up worlds forever more and their children most likely will fare no better.

WinchestersInATardis · 08/10/2017 10:27

I genuinely don't get why people hate it when people on FB share something they're proud of.
I like seeing my friends' successes.
Who on earth thinks 'ugh so boastful' instead of being happy that a friend or friends child has achieved something they've worked hard for.

edwinbear · 08/10/2017 10:34

I suspect the Mum of the high achieving child probably doesn't give a shiny shit what other mums think of her. She is most likely a bright woman, who knows posting about her child's every achievement on fb is causing hostility, but keeps doing it because she prioritises the world knowing how brilliant her DD is, above making mummy mates.

Loopytiles · 08/10/2017 10:34

Depends how often people boast on FB. Sounds like OP’s acquaintance does it a lot.

SIL does it a lot and it’s annoying. Only ever posts about her DC.

IMO if you wouldn’t mention it in person it’s not good FB fodder.

I save most boasts for DH and the grandparents! The family photostream etc.

echt · 08/10/2017 10:42

IMO if you wouldn’t mention it in person it’s not good FB fodder But she does mention it in person.

Another one who doesn't get the don't big your kids up on FB code. FFS, where else?

If the other mums keep quiet about tutoring, it's for one reason, so they can pass off any eventual success on the part of their child as innate.

NikiBabe · 08/10/2017 10:44

I can see both sides of it. The child wouldn't be so bright if she wasn't being tutored to within an inch of her life and mum goes and brags about it all on facebook. The child doesn't even socialise much as she is always being whisked off to activities. I cant say I'd have patience with her but I wouldnt bitch her either.

Evelynismyspyname · 08/10/2017 10:47

Winchester that's presumably because you have the sense only to have actual friends on Facebook.

If you have a small Facebook friend list of genuine real life friends and close family then what you say is true.

If you choose to use Facebook to network with acquaintances and friends of friends and people you've met once that can also be legitimate, but you obviously limit what you post in a different way.

The parents at this school all appear to be able to see this woman's Facebook posts, so either her account is "open" or she has "friends" who are actually just school gate acquaintances who don't like one another. In that context boasting won't be met with the indulgent warm fuzziness it would if the boast posts were only being shared with doting grandparents and true, long term friends who support you through your good and your bad times, as you do them.

pisacake · 08/10/2017 11:08

"Dd1 is high achieving. Very talented at music. I put some things on fb."

That's the problem.

LewisThere · 08/10/2017 11:09

OP fwiw Ive seen the same thing at my school, bar the fact I was the mother with the high achieving child.
There is a part of the population that has massive issue with showing that you are working hard for the results you are getting (eg get a tutor) because it's seen as being pushy and a negative thing.
Its usually also the ones who are actually quite pushy themselves. Want their dcs to do very well but at the same time refuse to say they have any ambitions for them (again seeing as negative - bettering yourself etc...)

Where I am, boasting about your dc achievement in sport and football in particular is OK though. But boasting about academic stuff or music etc.. isn't ok.

I have to say, Ive always wondered why. Jealousy seems to be the trigger IMO.

LewisThere · 08/10/2017 11:11

Fwiw I don't FB so there was no boasting in my side in there.
Ive never talked much about how well dc is doing.

But everyone knew for the simple reason that children talked to their parents and tell them that xxx has had the best mark again etc...

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