To ban son from moving back in?

[Boxset67]

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

I think it's fine but with ground rules.
As long as there is some pulling in the same direction with housework and money for food etc.
My student daughter buys food for us all and cooks every few days when she is home.

Has your son thought about whether he's moving home as an adult or a child?

The two options are:
Adult - pays fair amount of rent, pays towards bills, does equal share of cooking, household chores etc and acts as a respectful housemate who gets treated as an independent adult
Child - doesn't have to contribute to costs, gets laundry and cooking done for him, doesn't get to choose what he wants to eat, has a 10pm curfew, doesn't get to invite friends over, can be told to go to room if misbehaving.

If he chooses not to have adult responsibilities then he doesn't get to have adult freedoms either. If he wants to be treated as an independent adult, he has to act like one. Spelling out to him that he's not going to be able to be a selfish manchild might make him reconsider whether he really wants to come home.

My DH was still living at home at 25, enjoying the easy life of having his clothes washed for him and his meals cooked (I didn't know him then). Out of concern and love for him his parents asked him to consider finding a flat and moving out. Which he did. It did him a world of good and in no way damaged his relationship with his parents, quite the contrary. In fact a few years ago we (me, DH and DCs) moved back in with them for a month while waiting for completion on our house. They offered, and we gratefully accepted. We are all still very close. They are excellent GPs to our DCs and we see them weekly. Also my DH is a very capable person, doing his share of the housework without having to be asked when so easily he could have become a manchild. I put this down to his being 'forced' out by his parents and having to learn to do things for himself when the need for it didn't originally occur to him. My point is that refusing to accept her son back in his childhood home when no real need exists might be the kindest and most loving thing the OP can do for her son at this time.

My DH aged aboutt 23 had to move back into his parents house for around a month when a burst pipe made the ceiling unsafe.
They did everything for him. He'd reach for a mug and his dad would practically elbow him out of the way to get him a mug first. His mum would drive up at 5.30am burning his toast for him. She would also leave shower gel on a flannel in the bathroom. It drove him crazy.
Maybe they were making sure that he moved back out again

Get up not drive

Perfectly I love my ds, but I do not see him through rose tinted specs, and I am all too well aware of his faults. Loveable, clever, funny, he may be; but perfect he ain't.

I have seen a change between the lad who went off to board for sixth form in the UK, who would muck in during holidays, and the one who comes home from university and doesn't. Same lad, different age. At sixth form, food was cooked, and all he had to do was his assignments and his laundry. At uni, for the last two years of his BA, and now for his MA, he has to shop, cook, clean and do laundry, plus his academics. It may be as I said earlier, that he thinks Mum will do it when he's home and he gets tired of being a grown up and having to do things for himself, but be prepared for your teenager to change, and to seemingly lose the ability to do these things when home from uni.

You may also find you have to fight the 'I want it done now' battle where it is quicker for you to unstack the dishwasher/ do laundry/hang up clothes because you'd quite like to wash your own than it is to wait for them to do it. 'Now' seems to have different definition for him.

I'm on OP's side.

One of my DS asked if he could come home after landing a job not far away. It needed a car (provided) since this is rural and genuinely no public transport. Very capable man at uni and at work but yes, he went into DC mode - forgot how to cook, wash and clean and buy food. He's now in a better job but no where near saving for anywhere of his own but has moved out. But as all the family are welcome at weekends he comes back and is welcomed ... but still goes into DC mode. Like most parents I do what I can, but it doesn't make for a great relationship. And yes, I do remind him of what's what and like OP says, it soon goes back to "well, if you're washing ... if you're cooking ... if you're cleaning" which is one way only - not "Parents, I'm doing a wash, do you have any whites ... shall I do the kitchen ... I'm home this evening and could do a pizza and salad." Undoubtedly badly brought up but old enough to know better. And I despair for any future wife.

scaryteacher

But it would never feel like a chore for me to do stuff for my kids whatever age they are. Sometimes we all need to be looked after. So although I would expect them to do their ironing etc it really wouldn't bother me to do it sometimes. I like looking after my children, well I like looking after people in general really.

We have had family members stay with us on and off over the years. They come and go as they please. I don't keep track of what I do for them and what they do for me.

Also I am sure my kids will have plenty of years to be stressing about fitting in work, family, housework so if I can give them a few years without that stress that's what I intend to do.

Rent
Laundry fees
Food and cooking rota
Cleaning rota
No overnight guests
11pm curfew

He won't move back in.

Perfectly Never is a long time. When I was coordinating a house move, as we were moving ourselves, doing the packing, keeping the household running, trying to get ds to pack specifically for returning to uni, cleaning the old house, dealing with the 1001 admin bits that go with moving house abroad, trying to get settled in the new house, with ds whinging about ' we still have to have our stuff to live' and then having to drive him back to UK for uni, and return to all of the above as we had both houses for a month, then yes it felt like a chore.

I don't know quite what bubble you live in, but for those of us with a non blinkered view of our kids, and experience of the manchild/kidult syndrome that you haven't reached with yours as yet, reality is different, as you may find in years to come.

The move and trip back to UK was last month, so I do know what I'm talking about.

But it would never feel like a chore for me to do stuff for my kids whatever age they are. Sometimes we all need to be looked after

You dont know that! What if they are in their 40's, spending all their money on beer and weed and never moved out? Are you going to be happily ironing their jocks and cutting up their toast in triangles?

Blindly Box you are getting a pasting here!
As someone who actually has grown up DC, and had one in his 20's still at home, I would say yanbu.

Assuming your son is fit, mentally and physically, he has a job, a flat, enough money to go out and feed and clothe himself then why on earth should he expect to just move back in without so much as a by your leave?
Why should his parents just accept this? Whatever "agreement" you come up with, it will inevitably become a case of "while your ....can you just....". There will be more cleaning, higher bills, more inconvenience. Fancy a lazy Sunday morning in bed or a spot of afternoon delight in front of the fire? That won't be happening!
And there is another thought: the social life. Clubbing, getting back at 4am....girlfriends stopping over...all night gaming sessions....OMG
Much as I love my DS, the thought of having to wrestle him for control of the remote, or having to put up with his choice of crap tv would give me coniptions. It's bad enough having DH and had s choice of "two men in a shed rebuild something they found in an attic while extreme fishing".

Of course, if with f the DC needed help, it would be different, they could come back in a shot. But because they thought it would just be easier or cheaper? No way.

If this was a stop gap situation I'd say of course you should let him stay. My parents have done this for both me and DH and my DB and SIL. We were moving back to the area and had a timing issue between selling our place where we had been and starting new jobs which meant we couldn't afford rent and the mortgage at the same time.

However, he clear sees this as a forever set up which isn't on at all especially if he thinks he won't be paying bills ( we contributed what we could; took over a lot of the cooking, pitched in with cleaning and tried really hard not to let our stuff take offer the house) It was nice for a short time being 'home' but couldn't imagine doing it for long .

At no point have I said he is not welcome. He regularly comes back for weekends and gets all his favourite meals cooked for him! That doesn't mean I want to live with him 😬

Box I've already said personally my kids would always be able to come back to my house, but if he's not going to be homeless and you really don't want him to say no. I don't agree but yanbu because It's your house. Better you say no than let him move in to throw him out when he drives you mad

I have a 20-something too. She's lovely, very bright and capable. But a natural piss-taker. It took me a long time to face up to it.

YANBU

Also wondering what makes him think how moving from one shared house to another (yours) will be cheaper. That alone suggests he's not planning an adult relationship with you

I think most of us understand what you mean, OP. However, a few PPs still seem to misunderstand that your DS doesn't actually need to move back home for any reason whatsoever, but simply would quite like an easy life for himself. Most also understand that you love your son and want what is best for him in the long run.

I am still shaking my head at all of the 'my doors shall remain forever open' declarations.

I love it just being the two of us. We really enjoy our own company. It feels like this is a lovely time of our lives when we get to focus on us. Having ANYONE stay with us for more than a couple of weeks would change that completely. It would be like getting a lodger. No thanks!

my mum charged my brother such an exorbitant rent that he moved out pdq. she said he'd never leave home otherwise.

i try to imagine myself in your shoes, and having had that taste of freedom there is no way i'd let a fully able and solved child move back in so they could enjoy their jollies while i did their washing and cooking! NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!!!!!

Minerva.conveniently missed quote where I said friend ,doc or other.

2017 I'm shaking my head at you comparing ur kids to a lodger how lucky they are!

existentialmoment

You dont know that! What if they are in their 40's, spending all their money on beer and weed and never moved out? Are you going to be happily ironing their jocks and cutting up their toast in triangles?

So it would be OK if they are drinking and smoking weed excessively as long as it's not under your roof. I would be concerned for their health regardless. I am very anti drugs for personal reasons so that wouldn't be happening. As long as they paid their way, it's not my business what they spend their money on as long as it's not illegal or causing harm.

As for ironing jocks and cutting up toast, well I don't do that now so I don't know why I would start 😂. My kids don't take the piss of me and I would never let them. They understand that living together requires consideration.

How do I know it will never feel like a chore?
Life is short. People can be taken away in a split second. I will cherish every single day that my children want to live with us, because sometimes parents don't get that chance. That's why it will never be a chore.

I notice that at least some of the posters talking about their doors always being open haven't reached this stage with their children. Really a parent is supposed to equip their child for being an adult, not just shield them from all the harsh realities of life.

And as a grandmother myself, all this threatening that the OP and other heartless parents will never get to see their grandchildren or will be left to die alone and uncared for, just fuck off! If my daughter ever dared to try to emotionally blackmail me like that I would tell her never to darken my door again.

I completely agree with you OP. Like you say it would be different if he was stuck or had lost his job.

Ha ha I think you should call his bluff and tell him how delighted you are that he is moving back because you are planning a massive home improvement plan and that him being there to help you paint, clean and move stuff will really help you as it will be ongoing every Saturday & Sunday for months. Just to seal the deal then tell him how the rent he'll be paying you will pay for the most if it.
No way will he want to move back suddenly having more money to party with won't sound that appealing.