To ban son from moving back in?

[Boxset67]

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

Any self-respecting working adult would want to pay their fair share wherever they live but that doesn't seem to be your issue, it's about sharing your space with another person and that's very understandable. You'll need to put your foot down. Perhaps a compromise and tell him he can stay for a few weeks/months until he saves up enough money to move out but that it won't be a long-term option. I couldn't imagine anything worse than moving back in with my parents at his age even though we had a great relationship. He seems immature.

Oh, and just by the way, lama trying to make women feel guilty for wanting their own life and space at any time, let alone when their children are independent adults, is simply another way to try and force women into being second class citizens whose reasonable wants should always come last. Unconscious bias and sexism is just as bad as any other type.

I’m not at all trying to make women feel guilty for wanting their own life
Just mystified that the addition of one adult to the household would mean the end of your life as you know it? If it was newborn twins now...I get that would tend to turn your life upside down...
But a fully functioning adult? Op doesn’t have to do his washing if she chooses not to!

What's your current household situation, Iama? Maybe we can demystify you.

Adult offspring moving in doesn't mean extra washing. It means

• an extra mouth to feed (as pp pointed out, lots food comes in packs of 2, e.g. 2 salmon pillets, 2 chicken breasts, 2 steaks)
• extra laundry (OP has said that her son will expect her to do it and make ker feel churlish for refusing. It's manipulation)
• sharing the remote control for the TV and not watching some things because it could be embarrassing between parents/son
• extra money paid out for bills and food
• An extra person causes extra mess. Bathroom will get dirtier. Son's room will get dirty and he may procrastinate cleaning it
• it's nice to be able to walk around in your underwear when you're getting ready in the mornings. That freedom will go.
• OP enjoys being alone with her DH now. That enjoyment will go.

There must be loads more. It's not just laundry.

Well, my eldest is 16. Fully expect her to be off to Uni in 2 years, aware that she very probably won’t return to the old homestead afterwards; but if she actually wanted to I can’t imagine telling her to piss off, I’ve got my well deserved comfortable life at last and you’re not coming back to fuck it up.
Maybe I’ll feel differently when the youngest goes. Can’t see it now, though.

I'm moving 250 miles away from.my uni aged kids next year.

lama, you're still not explaining why you think that every mother should sacrifice her wants to those of her independent, adult child? Just because you would, doesn't make it generally applicable. So why exactly do you think that the OP's, or indeed every other mother's, wants should come second in this situation? Why is a mother less deserving of consideration of her wants than anyone else?

It's really obvious on this thread who has got adult children or not. It's different when they're adults, particularly if they've lived alone and then come back. They want the rights of an adult but no responsibilities.

Dutch said it well, some people are just natural pisstakers.

@scaryteacher coming home should not mean she subsides his lifestyle. It means he lives there as an adult and parents should expect a contribution from him that allows him to save for his future (and family). It really shouldn't be a scenario where the mother feels she is looking after a child, I don't think anyone here thinks that's acceptable.

@atenco actually it's a part of my culture to never turn children away because it's expected that they will never abandon their parents (happily, things have changed from the times where mothers expect to live with their sons, but it's a family shame if parents are not made as comfortable as possible wherever they are). Also, in my culture you should own your home (as near impossible as it is nowadays) so the child coming home to save is welcomed, almost insisted upon. Turning a child away is just 'foreign' to me, but let me just back off since so many people here think differently.

I'm totally with you OP. Love my DCs to bits but now they are moved out and independent I honestly don't think I could live with them again.

Of course if something happened whereby they needed us, yes of course, but not just because they fancied it. If they were in between flats/houses... fine. If they had a disaster and needed family support.... fine. Etc etc

One DC is so so untidy, one is incredibly bossy in the kitchen and just takes over and I end up feeling like a visitor in my own home, and one is just a bit lazy. I know without a shadow of doubt they would all revert to the worst time of teenagehood because they're back in the family home - sometimes they're here for 2 weeks at Christmas and they become like 14 again so if any of them moved back I'd feel like throttling them I'm sure!

Besides which, it's our time now and there's nothing wrong with that. I must reiterate we are all really close and I love love love seeing them, we speak just about every day, I miss them, I love them unconditionally. I just can't live with them!

I'm shocked at some of these responses indicating the OP somehow hates her kids.
When I was in my mid 20's I wanted more disposable income so I had to get a better job. I studied a masters in the evening and did just that. My parents died a few years ago so wouldn't be able to move in with them but M/FiL are always helping with kids, which is invaluable. However not for a second would we think of moving in with them unless its dire and there would be an exit strategy in place.
A parents most important job is to teach the skills necessary to enable them to live independently and survive on their own. If OP son had said I really want to buy a house and need a deposit. If I live with you for x amount of time and save x amount a month would that be OK under specific terms such as buy own food and contribute. Even then OP is under no obligation to say yes as she has a right to enjoy her own life too.

Haven't read the whole thread but it reminded me of how my aunt handled the money side of things when my cousin moved back home.

Aunt charged cousin the market rate for his room. 2 years later she gave back to him 3/4 of all the rent he had paid her, telling him he now needed to move out and to use the money for a deposit on a flat.

I'd also have a cooking and cleaning rota so he does his fair share around the house.

*existentialmoment

Yes, I think this is from parents of young children who have a idealised view of what they may be like as adults, and no idea how relationships with adult children work. Those of us with older kids has more of a clue!*

Patronising, much. It's just like when I said to people when my kids were toddlers, that I wouldn't ever go on holiday without them until they no longer want to come with us. Loads of people said 'oh wait til they are 6,8, 10 or whatever and you won't be saying that. Well I still am saying that.

Don't patronise people in order to justify yourself not wanting to live with your kids past the age of 18.

Perfectly1mperfect

I'm not sure it's patronising to say that most of us change our minds over time about things that once felt set in stone.

Well, my eldest is 16. Fully expect her to be off to Uni in 2 years, aware that she very probably won’t return to the old homestead afterwards; but if she actually wanted to I can’t imagine telling her to piss off

Always said that mine wouldn't come back after Uni- 2 of them now live here (1 doing volunteering during GAP and 1 postgrad)

It is very different from when they were 18. We share tasks including shopping and cooking. i actually quite like it

This thread has made the Sun

I love it just being the two of us. We really enjoy our own company. It feels like this is a lovely time of our lives when we get to focus on us. Having ANYONE stay with us for more than a couple of weeks would change that completely. It would be like getting a lodger. No thanks!

What a thoroughly depressing post.

Hey kid, you're 18 now. Fuck off to uni and never come back, coz we like our private time.

Makes me wonder, seriously, why people even have children.

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/4627387/horrified-mum-wants-to-ban-her-adult-son-from-moving-back-home-because-she-loves-her-freedom-so-whos-in-the-right/

Yes, how very dare someone enjoy their marriage and the company of their spouse without their kids living there.

She's explained numerous times that her son won't obey ground rules, that he did not ask to move in but announced it, that he's motivated by having more money to spend and not by some hardship.

That's ridiculous tippz. If your kids have lived away from home for years and years, it's obviously not going to be easy to have them move back in with absolutely no friction whatsoever. I think it's quite rude to say that you wonder why people who maybe would find this tricky have kids.

Bloody newspapers!

Some people are missing the point (as usual.)

It's the whole attitude (FROM SOME POSTERS) that their kids are never welcome back once they leave home, and the original post and subsequent posts from the OP seemed to indicate that it's a massive relief now her kids have fucked off. (I mean, she seems quite joyful when she says 'my youngest is 18 and has left for uni last month!!') God fucking help her if he wants to come back after uni. Or will he not be allowed? I mean he WILL be 21. Surely he can buy his own house then?!

A few others have this attitude too.

Don't even TRY and pretend they don't. Seems to me that some people think of their kids as a bit of an inconvenience.

Nasty.

Yes, how very dare someone enjoy their marriage and the company of their spouse without their kids living there.

Get a grip!

Kids are for life, not just til they're 18. Yes of COURSE they have to be independent eventually, and leave eventually, but some people on here just can't seem to wait for them to leave, and are filled with dread and horror at the thought of them coming back!

IMO, it's just a horrible, horrible way to treat your children. And from some posts on here, I am not the only one who thinks like this.

Nope, don't get it. If my kids needed to come home I'd welcome them with open arms. If they just fancied coming home for no reason, I would find it difficult.

It's not just a question of having older or younger children. My children are 5 and 7 and I am firmly on the side of the OP because I want what is best for my children, which I am very sure she does as well. I want my kids to learn to be independent and capable of taking care of themselves. In the case of the OP I fear that accepting her son back would very much be doing him a disservice, stunting his growth, whatever you want to call it. The desires of the OP and her DH to enjoy their lives in their own home is a different issue all toghether when looked at in this light.

Dutch1e

It was patronising. Just because she has adult kids doesn't mean she knows how everyone else will think when their kids are adults.