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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/10/2017 21:06

Spot on, Atenco. I cannot imagine ever doing such a thing to my parents, Atenco. Sure I grew up there, in the house that they're still able to live in, but I did not pay the mortgage and bills on the place and still do not. I still visit, because I live abroad, with my children, for one month out of the year. Of course they would never take money even though I have offered that, but when there I do not expect to flout what I know are their rules, or for them to run round after me like a skivvy. I would never announce, 'Oh, I'm moving back in with you, to save money,' with no real goal in mind. Or cut them off if they said no.

They were married for 8 years before I came along. They are married still. They have busy social lives and lives, even when we are there, of course! And they are old enough to be retired. Thankfully, their retirement is comfortable, but it's theirs. They worked very, very hard for it together. They made many sacrifices in their lives for that. It's for them to enjoy. I did nothing to earn it but have benefited from what they did.

But I was brought up not to rip the piss out of people so I'd not dream of doing it to my parents, either. Or expect other people to pay for my house deposit by announcing that I expect to live with them.

He is 24, not 18, he has been living away for some time. The OP has stated he is one to flout the rules to get his way, and their relationship has been better now he is living on his own.

That's how you bring up people to be self-sufficient and not expect others to carry them through life.

They absolutely have the right to live in their home how they see fit.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 21:27

perfectly I agree. Life is gone in a split second I would never do constant house work for older dc moving back in unless they were ill or needed that care.
However life is too short to get worked up about it.
I do find it odd with the categorising of what's mine, the work etc.
I have worked in old folks home I have seen some lonely people in there.
The family who were the closest I have known, were open door. The daughter gave up work to care for mum in the end months at home.
But as I said before it's how you feel about your dc... If you don't like them then it will be harder to have them at home.

Mil hated dh being at home.. She made it clear she wanted him out. She made it crystal clear.

Fishface77 · 06/10/2017 21:28

If he hasn't asked you if he could move op, how did you find out?
Sorry if I missed it.
Long ass thread with 2 lots of views.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/10/2017 21:38

Have you decided what to say to him yet?

fannyanddick · 07/10/2017 08:11

One option (though it doesn't sound like your u want him there). Is to say he can stay for x amount of time to save a little nest egg. You will collect market rent from him and give it to him when he moves out.

mmgirish · 07/10/2017 08:29

I can't believe people are giving the OP a hard time!

fairyofallthings · 07/10/2017 08:33

@MyDCareMarvel I have said the same to mine, they will always have a room which is their room - my eldest is at university now but her room is still her room and always will be.

keeponworking · 07/10/2017 08:40

I think for nothing other than the fact he assumed and didn't even have the courtesy to ask if he could move back in nor the insight to know that he should, that it would be a no on just that basis.

It's not an emergency (if it was I'm sure OP it would be an entirely different matter) that would be one thing, but he's assumed it's ok, he's doing it for monetary reasons (which I don't imagine for one minute he will save that money, he's anticipating an easy life with everything done for him at the lowest cost possible).

No wonder OPs spidey senses are tingling because she knows he tends to be quite lazy and she therefore knows it's not going to work and OP will be anticipating being pressured into accepting being put upon re laundry etc.

It sounds like DS has had enough of being an adult really - it's not because of some horrific relationship break-up or a mental health breakdown, it seems to mostly be motivated by laziness and wanting an easy life. So I can see OP why you'd say no, as much as you love your son, he's a grown adult and should operate as one and show you the appropriate respect around your home - which he hasn't done.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/10/2017 09:19

Also wondering what makes him think how moving from one shared house to another (yours) will be cheaper. That alone suggests he's not planning an adult relationship with you

EXCELLENT point Dutch

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 07/10/2017 09:28

it's not because of some horrific relationship break-up or a mental health breakdown, it seems to mostly be motivated by laziness and wanting an easy life

amazing in sight there

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2017 10:50

But as I said before it's how you feel about your dc... If you don't like them then it will be harder to have them at home.

Bollocks!!! I love mine to bits. I do NOT want to live with them, in my house or theirs!

And I hope all of you people that will have permanently open doors and aired beds never need to downsize - you won't be able to, in case your precious poppet needs to move back.

existentialmoment · 07/10/2017 10:53

I am still shaking my head at all of the 'my doors shall remain forever open' declarations

Yes, I think this is from parents of young children who have a idealised view of what they may be like as adults, and no idea how relationships with adult children work. Those of us with older kids has more of a clue!

lynmilne65 · 07/10/2017 11:00

I would rather die a thousand deaths ‘!!

JayDot500 · 07/10/2017 11:09

Wow, I couldn't do this to my child. It's a bit shit tbh. Because he has a job, he's automatically able to afford a home? Lucky for you OP that you have a home for yourself and you feel like life with your husband is great, but it's a bit shit to tell your son he has no home there anymore.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/10/2017 11:10

You raised him?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 07/10/2017 11:17

Yes, QuiteLikely, OP raised him to live independently as an adult. That's kind of the point of parenthood, really.

JayDot500 · 07/10/2017 11:24

I may have missed it but what's the husband saying?

I ask because Ive just asked mine and he feels the same way I do; provided there is a plan to contribute and save, we will have an open house. Actually he's quite adamant about never turning our kids away, more than I'd have thought. I guess this is something not all couples talk about until the time comes... I'd certainly never have discussed it if it weren't for this thread.

scaryteacher · 07/10/2017 11:49

Jaydot The son has a home, he rents, but doesn't feel he has enough left at the end of the month for the nice to haves as opposed to the essentials. In effect, he is expecting the OP to subsidise his life style. He is 24, why should she, and at what point do you stop subsidising your kids?

hidingmystatus · 07/10/2017 11:55

Here we go again. You (the woman) must give up your comfortable, well-earned rest and life to make someone else happy at your expense. What are all of you on?

This child is an independent adult. He is not in trouble. He does not need help. He wants, on my reading, to be whatever the son's equivalent of a cocklodger is. If this wasn't the mother writing, you'd all be telling her to boot him out. But because she is the mother she must sacrifice everything when it's entirely unnecessary.
Back to the old canard: women's wants and needs come last.

reflexfaith · 07/10/2017 13:01

Tell him sorry no he can't move back home because you want to move in with your parents....you don't have enough disposable income and you think they ought to provide a roof over your head so that you can have more treats for yourself

existentialmoment · 07/10/2017 13:23

Because he has a job, he's automatically able to afford a home?

Yes. You can tell this is true because he has a home, where he lives!

MinervaSaidThat · 07/10/2017 13:25

Well said hidingmystatus

Wonder what the response would have been to a man posting this.

Atenco · 07/10/2017 13:34

provided there is a plan to contribute and save, we will have an open house. Actually he's quite adamant about never turning our kids away, more than I'd have thought. I guess this is something not all couples talk about until the time comes

JayDot50 You are yet another one confirming what I was saying. Parents of young children feel differently.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/10/2017 13:41

Give up your comfortable well earned rest and life. Grin
By sharing living space with an adult member of your own family? I’d hate to have grown up in yours, hiding
I’d image your kids couldn’t shake the dust off fast enough.

hidingmystatus · 07/10/2017 13:45

My DD is quite clear that she wants her own life, not sharing with me. But my point was that you are all expecting the OP to sacrifice her wants and needs - which are entirely reasonable - for someone who doesn't need this but wants it. Why are her adult, independent son's needs any more important than hers? She's supported him through till he moved out. He doesn't need help. She's just as entitled to a life of her own as anyone.