To ban son from moving back in?

[Boxset67]

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

perfectly My shopping bill increases greatly when ds is home from uni. Things don't come in a three pack, so it's 4 steaks not 2 for example. It's not just a case of a few more veg, it's more of everything. During term time, I can make a pot of Vanish last ages. He comes home, and I go through 2 in the summer vacation. Tea bags go down at an alarming rate, marmite disappears, he doesn't bloddy tell me that he's had the last of the butter/peanut butter/cheese/bread/milk, and he knows damn well that there isn't a fridge and larder fairy that flies to the UK to replace things that are expensive here. The loo roll bill soars...I hope by now you are getting the picture.

You could also add in the intangibles - increase in water bills/electricity bills/ internet usage (ds put a new hard drive in his PS4 and used all our allowance of data to download his games again, and then blamed me for going over the limit! It all adds up. For us, financially, it doesn't make a huge difference, but I can see that for some people it would.

In your case could you charge him 'rent' which you basically save for him so he's not wasting money. I know in 20years time my husband would be delighted if our boy returned to the family home...and hopefully as he's 24 he's learnt how to use a washing machine....i sympathise with you though.

scaryteacher my DS(23), who is currently living at home, does none of what you have described. It is more like having a housemate having him here. He does his own laundry and cleaning and takes a share of the cooking. He's around to look after DS(11) meaning DH and I get more freedom for nights out and the odd trip away and he's happy to take him to the odd football practice.

From many of the replies on here it seems like the people who are happy to have their offspring back are the people who get along with their offspring.

My children are always welcome in the family home - to visit! They have their own homes and families now.
And unless there is some form of personal disaster it's staying that way.

My daughters have also told me (and they were independent - for the most part - from 18, except when changing jobs) that they find men who live at home with their mothers strange and very unattractive.

I think my son would feel the same way.

They also wouldn't hold it over me - take us in or we won't look after you when you can't manage. They appreciate what's been done so far.

BTW I get on very well with my offspring, see or speak to them frequently, none have moved far away and I still don't want them back home!

I get along very well with my son Tinkly, that doesn't mean however that I appreciate him morphing into an incapable lump halfway across the channel when he comes from uni.

It's probably the whole, 'I do it during term time, so Mum can do it at home' thing, but it gets old quite quickly. Quite an assumption, (and they are the mother of all fuck ups), that just because you don't want your twenty something moving back when you have got used to having your own space again, you don't like them. My Mum likes me, and vice versa but at 51 and 77, I don't think we could ever live together under her roof. I am not convinced about her living under mine either.

I would be happy to havr my children back home at any age. However I know none of them would ever assume they could they would always ask.

scaryteacher

But if he was living there obviously he would contribute to food bill etc if necessary and all those problems are solved apart from him not telling you when he has used the last of milk etc. We always have more than one of everything in so it wouldn't be an issue to us.

My kids wouldn't be inconsiderate now so I don't expect them to be in the future. We all communicate with each other though so I would tell them if there were any problems rather than talking about my children negatively on a forum.

I would be happy to have my children back but only if they were in a mess! Adult children have to move on and if you nanny them you aren't teaching them to be independent. Our job as parents is to raise independent capable adults.

My boomerang DCs do their share of the cooking and all of the cleaning which is great as it's a big house (sorry not a stealth boast, just fact). They also do any jobs I leave them if their work hours permit and they pay rent. We like each other. It's fine.

By rent, I mean 1/4 of whatever they earn.

I'd like mine to move on but what they could afford to live in is little more than a tent tbh. Times have changed and then changed back again. It was usual for families to live together in a multigenerational way when my DPs were starting out. We were very lucky to be able to buy somewhere after a short time out of uni in the late 80s but it's swinging back the other way.
We were the blip in the pattern I think.

No, that's not what I meant, nothing to do with threats etc. I mean it puts a 'distance' between parent and child. They will have felt like they belonged and then realise they no longer do. You won't get that closeness back ever.

There should be a distance between parent and child when the child is all grown up. It's really unhealthy if they feel the same way as they did as a child. They belong in the family, but they do not belong in the family home as if they were a child. No you won't, and shouldn't, get the closeness you had when they were babies and children. You should have a different kind of closeness as adults, and that does not need you to live together.

If you truly feel your relationship would be damaged by not having them move in with you for any reason they feel like, I feel sorry for your evidently flimsy relationship. You really should work on that.

Perfectly Ds has no student loans as we are paying, and student jobs in Belgium are like hens teeth and severely limited, so he doesn't contribute to the shopping bills.

I always have more than one of everything, but expect a litre of milk to last more than a day normally. You miss the point that we live abroad, so when the cheddar is gone, I am not prepared to fork out €24 per kilo to get more; ditto the peanut butter unless I am desperate. Until 2 weeks ago, I had to drive to the shops to get milk, so the petrol can add up too.

Kids change Perfectly and what they are like at 12 for example bears no resemblance to what they are like as adults. As for talking to ds, I do, frequently, but if you can't be negative realistic at times about your kids, then you have blinkers on. I have yet to meet the perfect child/teenager/kidult. Even Christ wasn't perfect according to the Gospels, so the rest of humanity certainly won't be.

Your son is still in student mode though Scary. Mine has matured massively in the 16 months is so since he graduated; he's much more adult.

From many of the replies on here it seems like the people who are happy to have their offspring back are the people who get along with their offspring

Both offensive and untrue.

Please don't try to patronise me by saying I will understand one day. I will never be like the OP and will never think that way. I have seen the problems caused by making adult children feel like they are not welcome in the family home so that will never be something my children are made to feel. If you teach your children to be respectful, they will not expect you to be their housekeeper.

perfectly, Ropsley is right, you are being patronising. How old are your DC? You can't know how you will react until you are in this situation.

I will never be like the OP and will never think that way.

This sentence alone reveals your naivete and lack of foresight. No one can how we will feel in years to come.

He's just gone back to do his MA Tinkly, so another year of this I suppose. God forbid he decides to do his PhD.

Perfectly I wasn't trying to patronise you, just to point out that how you feel does change. I would have said when ds was a teenager at school/sixth form, that he could always live with us. Once he got to uni that altered, as he is capable of standing on his own two feet and being independent; he chooses not to do so when home at times.

I have seen the problems caused when kidult males don't leave home, and their parents don't cut the apron strings, and that isn't healthy either. I lived next door to it for a while! They were retired and he was in his late 30s.

It's natural and healthy for kids to stand on their own two feet, whilst knowing their parents have their backs if necessary. I would expect ds to make a damn good stab at being independent and not relying on us overmuch. I have friends who have 5, all grown up, some married with kids and their own homes, and of those, there is only one who in his mid 30s is coping without recourse to either the bank of Mum and Dad, or using their house as they please with the parents picking up the tab. Sod that for a game of soldiers. It is causing some resentment with one of the parents.

scaryteacher

Your situation is different re food as you live abroad. I don't think this is the situation for the OP. Children do cost money, I knew that when I had them.

And my kids are perfect to me. 😜

MinervaSaidThat

This sentence alone reveals your naivete and lack of foresight. No one can how we will feel in years to come.

Whatever you say. I disagree with you. My children will always be welcome in our home whatever age. Sometimes things happen to you in life which means you will always feel a certain way.

It's not reasonable if he expects food and laundry gratis. He's old enough to wash his own pants and to cover the cost of food and utilities. Mine are a few years off this yet but I would guess you need to go for a housemate type dynamic for it to be less stressful. You're all doing your own thing, you're not expected to be home to have dinner on the table or to have his shirts waiting in the wardrobe. And on the premise that the OP said he just wants more spending money and not to save a deposit i think he should pay a generous rent.

My children will always be welcome in our home whatever age. Sometimes things happen to you in life which means you will always feel a certain way

You don't know that. There are a thousand what ifs that could change your mind.

scaryteacher

But just because they live at home doesn't mean they don't do things for themselves. This only happens if you do everything for them. You can live at home at 24 and do washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing. Why wouldn't you. Why would a 24 year old, well raised man expect his mother to do everything for him unless you as a parent let that happen. As the parent you just don't do it all for them. My teenager can make dinner, feed the pets, go to the shop and get some bread, milk, load the washing machine. This won't suddenly stop at 18.

existentialmoment

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