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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/10/2017 07:55

I had to help my 23 year old dd send a similar message, to a nasty bastard she went out with a few times. Who would not leave her alone. The text worked and he never contacted her again.

You have done good suggestions here, write something very short, to the point....
" Your last voicemail was a threat, I have contacted the police. If you EVER contact me in any way, again, the police will take action".

But please make sure you have a plan for someone to be with you for the next few nights. You'll feel much better with a friend/relative. Flowers

PoppyPopcorn · 04/10/2017 07:55

This is getting out of hand though, there is no implication at all that this bloke is a danger in any way. We don't know his tone of voice at all in the "threatening" voicemail - of course things look worse written down in black and white. DH does this on occasion - he sent me a text last week saying if his tea wasn't on the table he'd push me down the stairs. Sounds awful in isolation but it was part of a running joke and I know he wouldn't in a million years.

OP has called the Police who have advised sending a CLEAR text saying no contact. OP is dithering about whether to take their advice. OP has dithered in the past and not been clear that she doesn't want to see this person, she's said she's busy.

The only "crime" which has been committed is the bloke being rubbish at picking up the code which the OP is trying to send out. So many people on MN are determined to brand every man as a potential rapist or murderer, whip up a frenzy and drama around the OP talking about murder, rape and violent death when that's a very unlikely scenario.

conserveisposhforjam · 04/10/2017 08:01

I think everyone has told her to be clear now. But pretending it's her fault because she has been polite and 'English' about it is not particularly helpful and reinforces the idea that aggressive men are just driven mad by women who can't make their minds up/lead them on/aren't clear.

Ignoring someone is actually very clear.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 04/10/2017 08:01

Op, I think it might be worth having a chat with your neighbours too.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/10/2017 08:01

"Ummm. Is it because it's an absolutely normal way of ending a relationship in our culture which we all understand and accept as part of the social contract?"

Is it? I'm old Wink so didint know that.
I actually agree with whoever said people should be honest. Ignoring someone's text/phone calls only causes ambiguity. A firm "I'm not interested, I don't want you to contact me again" should put an end to any doubt fir 99% of people.

Of course the abusive twats will ignore that message, but you then have evidence from the very beginning that you have been very explicit in asking for no more contact.

guilty100 · 04/10/2017 08:05

He is being completely socially lead-footed, not picking up on any of your emotional cues. This means that you need to be blunt, even rude, to him to get the message across. It's not your fault that you're having to be like this - he has forced your hand. You therefore don't need to feel bad about it.

Text him and be absolutely explicit: "Please do not come to my house. I had hoped that you would pick up on my polite avoidance of your company as a sign that I didn't want to see you. However, since you are clearly ignoring my cues, let me be explicit: I do not want to see you, or to spend time with you. I found your last message threatening and frightening, and I have contacted the police to put it on file. They have advised me that, in the event of you turning up at my house, I am to call 999 and they will send a blue light car to me. I am sorry to have to be so blunt with you, but please do not contact me again."

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/10/2017 08:06

Poppy what has what your H says to you, got to do with what an married ex colleague, says in a voicemail? Confused.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 08:09

I've just text him. My heart is thumping away now. Bastard making me feel like this. How dare he.

OP posts:
PoppyPopcorn · 04/10/2017 08:09

Because it's about tone. And history. And the relationship dynamic.

One text/voicemail in isolation is not "proof" of abuse or a mad axe man waiting in the bushes to attack the OP when she's home alone. You need to see the bigger picture. Apart from this, OP gives no indication that this man has given her cause for worry in the past. Yes he obviously values her friendship but that's not a crime.

OP has been advised how to deal with this from here on anyway - by being very explicit in her wishes that he does not contact her again.

Wristy · 04/10/2017 08:10

@PoppyPopcorn "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide"

I referred to the content as threatening, which I think it is when I read it. I never made comment on his tone.

PoppyPopcorn · 04/10/2017 08:17

Nobody can make comment on the tone, unless they've heard the voicemail!!

It's probably fair to say that OP was freaked out by the voicemail and has now dealt with it. The man in question is probably right now sitting ashen-faced with his cornflakes, running over various incidents in his head and trying to work out what happened.

justakiss · 04/10/2017 08:17

Don't worry OP we are all here for you Flowers

guilty100 · 04/10/2017 08:19

I'm sorry, unless it's some kind of in-joke, a phrase like "you can run but you can't hide" is incredibly ill-chosen. At best, it's a jokey acknowledgement that he knows he's being avoided but is persisting anyway. At worst, it's a threat. The fact that it leaves room for interpretation precisely because he's failed to pick up on every single cue the OP has sent is a sign of an incredibly selfish, inconsiderate person.

My in laws are like this: they refuse to recognise or acknowledge cues that they are crossing boundaries. The only way to deal with them and be heard is to be very blunt. It took me years to realise that I didn't need to feel bad about this since they were the ones repeatedly failing to acknowledge normal cues. I have come to suspect in their case that there are medical reasons that mean they actually don't know how to react emotionally to things, so having everything clearly stated is actually the only way forward.

OnTheRise · 04/10/2017 08:19

OP, this is awful. But you've done the right thing in texting him to make things clear.

That should be an end to it but if it isn't, at least you've done what the police need you to do in order for them to take action to help you.

Do read The Gift of Fear. But if it's the book I think it is, it's a bit dodgy on the domestic violence issue. A bit victim-blamey. So read that chapter with some distance.

astoundedgoat · 04/10/2017 08:21

I hope you feel better today. It's horrible that he can use his pique to scare you so casually like this.

What did you say in the text?

I hope you can forget about it today.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 08:21

Well obviously I can't convey the tone of his message to you all. I can't honestly say it was menacing and sinister but it was dead pan and not jokey and made my blood run cold.

As for those who think I've been wishy washy, I'm really not a wishy washy person. I'm pretty straight and he knows me well enough to know that. That said, you'd have to be an extremely blunt person to cut someone dead with a 'never contact me again' message when they ostensibly send a friendly text saying hi, not heard from you in a while, hope all's ok. If he didn't know where I lived, he'd have been told in no uncertain terms to fuck off but it feels very different when someone does know where you live and is now threatening to come round.

OP posts:
Hunkle · 04/10/2017 08:23

Was it meant for a mate, as a joke?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 08:24

Guilty - it's absolutely not an in-joke between us. His exact words were, 'remember, you can run but you can't hide'. Which makes it sound even more threatening to me. It's like, keep on remembering that I know where to find you. Hopefully though, he is now sitting ashen faced at his cornflakes, worrying just as much as I am.

OP posts:
123MothergotafleA · 04/10/2017 08:25

.

guilty100 · 04/10/2017 08:25

Fosterdog - I'm willing to bet that you've considered his feelings and emotional responses about 100 times more strongly than he's ever considered yours. DON'T. FEEL. BAD. You've done the right thing.

JamPasty · 04/10/2017 08:30

Well done Fosterdog! Flowers

Kezzamo · 04/10/2017 08:33

Op please don't hesitate to contact police again if you need to. Emphasise the way you feel and the fact you take the threat seriously. (It's a bit like going to the doctors) you need to push to get what you need! It's totally reasonable to get an officer to tell him to bugger off!

ChevalierTialys · 04/10/2017 08:42

Hopefully this will be the end of it OP Flowers

eddielizzard · 04/10/2017 08:45

this guy is a total and utter arsehole. he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. you haven't encouraged him in any way, and he has done all this of his own accord. of COURSE he knows he's overstepped the boundary.

well done for texting him. 999 if you see him. 101 if he contacts you again.

that stalking helpline looks pretty good.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 08:49

I've just listened to the message a few times because there's a slightly fuzzy bit and he doesn't actually say, I'm going to come round and you do know what that's going to mean. He says, I'm going to come round and you never know when that's going to be.

OP posts: