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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 04/10/2017 08:50

Not sure what you said in your text so a bit late now but I would have replied "Intentionally or not your last message made me feel very uncomfortable. Please do not message me again. I am now blocking your number."

eddielizzard · 04/10/2017 08:51

save that recording. i wonder if you can record it playing, and save it on your computer?

flippinada · 04/10/2017 08:51

Fosterdog I just wanted to send a message of support. Ignore the victim blamey nonsense. You have done nothing wrong and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Do contact the Suzy Lamplugh Trust as PP have suggested. They get it and will be able to offer support and advice.

That link again in case you need it:

www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/10/2017 08:54

Poppy the op doesn't like the tone of the voicemail. She wouldn't have posted otherwise!

That is enough for posters to make a comment and give advice.

BellaNoche · 04/10/2017 08:55

Hello there Fosterdog, looking in on you.
Well done on sending the text. Don't reply if he responds but do take further advice SL. And do not delete anything. Keep a trail.

I'm also hoping the fecker gets the message loud and clear.

Oh.... and you don't come across to me as a wishy washy person at all. Most people on here do understand what the dynamics of this are.

Just pick out what you find most helpful on here to your situation. Do talk to SL Trust if you can. This is exactly why Suzy's parents set it up. x
Righto you...make sure you have a bit of breakfast even if you don't feel hungry. Smile

MrsMotherHen · 04/10/2017 08:59

has he replied yet?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 09:00

Thanks so much for all your support on here. It's heartening to know that most people get it! Breakfast had and am now heading out. Oh and the Suzy L helpline doesn't open until 1pm today.

OP posts:
MrsMotherHen · 04/10/2017 09:00

ok just realised if youve asked him for no contact he won't Blush What did your message say to him.

Lenl · 04/10/2017 09:02

I can't recommend the book 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker enough. You can get it on kindle. It has sections on stalking/unwanted contact behaviours that are invaluable.

Possibly one 'please don't contact me' text to be explicit but then that needs to be it. These types of people don't operate like others do.

This link has some info but you need the book imo: mobile.nytimes.com/1998/08/25/science/personal-health-do-s-and-don-ts-for-thwarting-stalker.html

Quote from the article:
He said that when an unwanted pursuer starts making persistent phone calls, sending messages, showing up uninvited at a woman's job, school or home, following her or trying to get her friends or family to help his cause, ''it is very important that no further detectable response be given.''

Mr. de Becker added: ''He views any response as progress. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit."

Msqueen33 · 04/10/2017 09:03

I think you did the right thing to text him to warn you off. He might think it's all joking and funny but ignoring him and being busy hasn't made him click. The voice mail sounds awful and really scary. I hope he's just an idiot and your text sorts him out.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 09:06

My text said, you've totally overstepped the mark now. Do not contact me again and under no circumstances come round to my house.

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/10/2017 09:06

I also recommend the Gavin De Becker book. Very good. If you have a Kindle you can get it straight away.

flippinada · 04/10/2017 09:08

Your text is great. No room for misunderstanding there. Hopefully that will be stop him in his tracks.

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 09:14

I think that your text was good and leaves no room for misinterpretation. If he doesn't leave you alone now I'm sure that the Police will take it seriously.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2017 09:16

Fosterdog: very good text.
If you get a response along the lines of 'Sorry, I was drunk, I will back off' then don't reply, just make a note of it. (any reply to him will encourage him to keep on pestering.) Any subsequent contact attempts from him should be reported to the police, though.

Hope he's got the message and leaves you alone.

PoorYorick · 04/10/2017 09:19

The correct message is a bit less scary but still totally inappropriate and vaguely menacing.

JamPasty · 04/10/2017 09:25

Well done, excellent text!

UnicornSparkles1 · 04/10/2017 09:25

Good text OP. Well done. I hope he gets the message loud and clear now.

UnicornSparkles1 · 04/10/2017 09:26

I hope you've reblocked him. No need to enter into a discussion about it. You've told him now block him again.

RhiannonOHara · 04/10/2017 09:30

Joining v late, but well done for the text, OP, and for calling 101.

Those saying the OP had led him on or surely it was just a joke can all fuck off. This is how men get away with shit like this.

Keep vigilant, OP, and don't hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe.

BellaNoche · 04/10/2017 09:33

Good clear concise text OP. Well done you.
Agree with Poor Yorick, the message still is inappropriate.

Found this link also from Victim Support
www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/stalking-and-harassment

plantsitter · 04/10/2017 09:37

Just joining to say that is the perfect text. Well done.

RandomMess · 04/10/2017 09:40

That text is spot on, home you feel better soon.

littlebird7 · 04/10/2017 09:44

Call the police, that is threatening behaviour whatever anyone says on here. You are not overacting, they can install certain procedures and ensure you are a priority if there is a call out. I think he has in fact been stalking you for a while with his messages etc, the fact that you haven't recognised this up to now just means you thought you were in control of the communication before.

I would seriously consider calling his wife as well.

In the meantime keep yourself safe by locking all the doors and not answering the door. He is trying to scare you.

SpiritedLondon · 04/10/2017 09:45

Just to clarify that the advice from the police to send the message was to assist prove harassment offences should he choose to contact you again. No doubt you were advised to keep copies of any other messages should they appear. Will the voice mail disappear after a while or will it be saved until you delete it?