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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 04/10/2017 01:07

I agree with others who say call 999 immediately if he shows up.

And also, yes, go the Police Office tomorrow and let them hear the voicemail, and tell them about the way his behaviour has escalated. There is a pattern here of unwanted hug, unwanted texts which you tried to deflect, unwanted texts you ignored, and then this threatening voicemail. Make it very clear to the Police that you live alone and that you are frightened.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 01:10

Thanks Bella (and everyone else but not you Dragon). I looked at the SL link posted earlier but i will phone them tomorrow for advice.

OP posts:
GreenPolishToGo · 04/10/2017 01:21

I hope you can get some rest OP. But do keep talking here if it helps.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 04/10/2017 01:21

You're getting some good advice here, and I hope you can update at some point after some sleep and perhaps speaking with the police again tomorrow, if you do that. I agree with other posters that I think you probably should.

Take care, OP. Hope you get some rest.

LilyMcClellan · 04/10/2017 01:24

For god's sake don't text him saying your OH is angry, it will make him want to be a white knight and save you from this bully who wants to tell you who to be friends with. Gather up your ovaries and be direct.

"Bob, your voicemail message was excessive and frankly scary. There is no reason for you to come to my house at all. I know you have noticed that I have backed off significantly on our contact since the day you overstepped the mark by trying to hug me in the car, and I am sure you understand why. I haven't been responding to your messages and calls because I don't feel comfortable with a friendship any longer. Please respect this. Based on the disturbing tone of your message, if you come to my house, I will call the police."

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 01:27

Going to try and sleep in a mo.

Thanks so much everyone for your comments and support. Will update tomorrow.

OP posts:
BellaNoche · 04/10/2017 01:40

It will be ok Fosterdog, I know it is really scary at the moment but it will be sorted. Good that you have spoken to your partner and friends. Double secure all your social media. Is it possible to change your phone number?
You can even have your name hidden on the electoral register if you wish, usually done for DV situations but I think this would be also a good reason. Ask the Suzy L Trust on this also and they will advise how to go about it.

Lots of us here thinking of you and willing you through this to better times xx

Italiangreyhound · 04/10/2017 01:53

Good post for the Suzy Lamplugh Trust.

This is a more extreme example maybe but may encourage you to preserver with the police. i wonder if the police could call him and say that a complaint has been made?

www.suzylamplugh.org/case-studies-testimonials

Topseyt · 04/10/2017 02:07

I really wouldn't send him any messages at all, and least of all the one you suggested.

If you must text anything then just say "I reported your last message to the police and will be calling them immediately should you ever come near me or try to contact me again".

His creepy message could be an offence under the Malicious Communications Act, so play it to the police tomorrow and ask them directly about that if they don't volunteer it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/10/2017 02:18

Good riddance to the creep.

Hissy · 04/10/2017 06:41

I really think texting him isn’t a good idea. I’d get advice from the SL people and I think they’d say call and report it to the police again.

It’s a threat, designed to be taken as a threat.

geekone · 04/10/2017 06:53

Don't text him I agree with others that's a bad idea.

Wow to all the victim blaming on here. Are you sure you didn't lead him on......Hmm really who thinks like that these days. OP this isn't your fault, I would go to the police thought I think you need too.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 07:22

Well I made it through the night!!!! So much conflicting advice about whether to text him or not! I think I'm going to, as he'll just turn up if I don't. It may well be that one text is all it takes for him to leave me alone. If he doesn't keep away though after that, it will be police straight away with no hesitation.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/10/2017 07:26

Glad you are going to speak to SL.

My personal suggestion for a message is:

Do not contact me again in any way or form, I no longer consider you a friend after your inappropriate behaviour in the car on x date. I will report you for harassment if you ignore this request as per advice I have taken from the police.

Flowers
Wristy · 04/10/2017 07:29

Don't ask him to please not contact you again.

'X, I received your voicemail. I called the police for advice due to its threatening content. They have advised I make it clear I do not want contact with you before they can log your behaviour as harassment. Do not contact me again.'

FluffyWhiteTowels · 04/10/2017 07:32

I think Lily's message is spot on. Concise, factual and unemotional.

I hope you're ok.

AlternativeTentacle · 04/10/2017 07:32

"if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide"

'Fuck off mate, not interested.' would be my response.

faithinthesound · 04/10/2017 07:33

Gavin de Becker recommends one firm message to make it clear you want no further contact (and so there's a paper trail of a sort, in an email or a text), and then nothing. Don't respond, ever. If he sends thirty seven messages and you snap and tell him again not to contact you, all you've taught him is that "thirty seven" is the magic number of times he needs to contact you to get a response.

Something like "Do not contact me again in any way, shape or form. Your messages are not welcome. If you do contact me I will consider it to be harassment and will contact the police."

For the love of crimeny do not bring the OH into this when you are texting him. All that does, as PP have pointed out, is make it seem like you're into this but your OH is being draconian. He'll wait until the OH is safely out of the way and try his luck.

And call the police back and insist on logging it. It's all very well and good for that woman to say no crime has been committed, no harm no foul, but you're the one who has to live the situation, not her. I have little respect for police officers who forget what it's like to be on the other side of the badge.

orangeowls · 04/10/2017 07:34

I agree, Lily’s message sounds spot on. It clearly explains everything so he has no reason to contact you again.

theEagleIsLost · 04/10/2017 07:35

X, I received your voicemail. I called the police for advice due to its threatening content. They have advised I make it clear I do not want contact with you before they can log your behaviour as harassment. Do not contact me again.'

^^ I'd send this as text or e-mail. It's very clear. Plus you've complied with the police’s request in writing so if you do have to contact them again you've done that step.

If he turns up call 999.

Kailoer · 04/10/2017 07:36

Good op

You NEED to text him shortly & bluntly for reasons already outlined:

  1. so you've been totally clear with him
  2. most importantly so that it sets clear harassment boundaries for the police to support you with if there's a future incident
PoppyPopcorn · 04/10/2017 07:42

other person has said they're busy (code for leave me alone)

Why do people DO this! White lies to make themselves feel better. This could ALL have been avoided if you'd been honest in the first place and said "stop texting me" or "stop calling me" rather than saying you're busy.

faithinthesound · 04/10/2017 07:46

* Why do people DO this! White lies to make themselves feel better.*

Have a quick google for statistics on women who are murdered for having the audacity to say “no”. Or reject a man. Or break up with him.

Women are conditioned to soften the blow because too damn often to not do so is directly linked to violent death.

I wish to God I was exaggerating. I’m not. Not even a little.

cliffdramas · 04/10/2017 07:46

Just to second GreenPolishToGo's recommendation of the Gift of Fear, an excellent book that should be essential reading for all women. And the author would say not to engage with this man in any way, including texting him. Any response will be a thrill for him.

conserveisposhforjam · 04/10/2017 07:46

Why do people DO this! White lies to make themselves feel better. This could ALL have been avoided if you'd been honest in the first place and said "stop texting me" or "stop calling me" rather than saying you're busy

Ummm. Is it because it's an absolutely normal way of ending a relationship in our culture which we all understand and accept as part of the social contract?